A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I guess that's pretty obvious. I just wanted to preface this by saying thank you if you just hear me out and listen.I've always had low self esteem and lacked confidence and it's always pushed people away, even though I didn't mean to. I'm not sure if I'm just an introvert or an extrovert who sucks socially. Anyway, today I had been thinking about another very serious problem I have. It's a big problem, but I feel like it's the tip of the iceberg and like there's a whole monster of an iceberg underneath.I've been depressed because I hate where I live. I live in North Carolina. I was born and raised in Florida and we moved up here when I was a senior in high school. As you can imagine, the move was VERY hard on me. Some people come here and thrive but I'm an absolute mess here. I would love to move to another state, and I would actually prefer another country, but I stay here because I despair of getting out. I feel like my "real" problem is that I don't leave because I don't believe in myself or feel like my decisions are valid. Living in a place I hate is probably my second biggest problem. My lack of confidence is my first. Well I'm just writing to say that I had an epiphany today about something that has really been getting to me for a long time. One thing that makes my depression and anxiety a million times worse is that I hate where I live and that's what I was venting out about. I know that a lot of people perceive me as obnoxious because no one likes "that guy/girl" who cries move but never does anything. I live in a place that I hate so much that it makes me physically sick and I have a lot of resentment and anger toward my parents for making me move to a state I despise. It sounds like I'm being a brat, but I'm really still that teenage girl in a lot of pain, a ghost of who I used to be. I lost my identity, I was isolated from my friends, I don't have a life and I feel detached from the world, and I feel stuck here. I'm thirtysomething years old now, so I can leave, right? In spite of that, I despair of ever getting out of this godforsaken stain on the map.Anyway, my post is not about complaining or bitching. I'm just writing to share something I realized. I have been thinking and I realize that yes, where you live can affect your happiness and that you can't learn to love a place you hate. It's just that I realize what's stopping me from leaving North Carolina. I don't leave because I don't believe in myself. I have really low self esteem, and it's mainly because I lack confidence. I have OCD on top of depression and anxiety and I feel like I "have to" have people's approval in order to do things. It's like people that have a ritual of not stepping on cracks, but more emotional. I feel like I'm stupid, I feel like I'm an inferior knockoff of a "real" woman, like I'm the Malt-O-Meal to the Kellog's demographic. Like other women are Stratocasters and I'm Squier bullet. I feel like I'm less. I know what I WANT to do, but I feel distressed and upset whenever I don't get the support of others because I don't feel like my judgement is good enough. It's not that I really don't want to move and that I'm all goo goo eyed in love with my town. I just HAVE to have validation from others, and feel helpless and paralyzed without it. I would LOVE to go away from North Carolina and have a life for myself, but people say things like, "You won't get back to Florida because you can't work there," or, "You shouldn't go to Mexico because you're better off in the states" (I've been to Mexico and I LOVED it), or, "Austin is too expensive," or, "Oh, no, you can't teach English in Japan because it would stress me out to have you in such a faraway country," I despair because I need people's PERMISSION for what I want. For example, I have a job as a teacher. The students are wonderful... they're no problem, really. I certainly don't hate it. In many ways, I like it. It's just that I feel like something else would really fulfill me and I feel restless. I wish I could be a veterinarian or just be a tattoo artist or something. But my aunt told me I wasn't smart enough or talented enough and her words paralyzed me. I feel like that kid on a swingset who just waits for a push in exasperation. Sometimes I feel like I'm a jerk for accusing my mom of not loving me, sometimes I feel like she cares but just made a stupid mistake (because, you know, being human) but I feel like my mom thinks I'm an idiot. I'm never going to be a woman in my parent's eyes until I wear a wedding ring and she sees me as a (very dull) child because I'm single. I've started to feel like I'm not smart enough to be worthy of making my own decisions. Part of me resents my mom and feels like she ruined my confidence and part of me feels like I'm a jerk for resenting her and that I really AM an idiot and need to accept that. I don't know if my mom hurts me on purpose, if I'm overreacting, or if I'm a jerk. I don't know if this makes any sense. I just had to get this off my chest because it's an epiphany where I could see everything clearly. As negative as it sounds, it's kind of enlightening. What's wrong with me? Sometimes I think I'm just smart enough, sometimes I think that I lack confidence. I think that my lack of confidence is the reason I have so much unresolved anger. Thank you if you can help me, or just hear me out.
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confidence, depressed, self esteem, tattoo, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2017): Dear Anonymous,
I read your story and I can truly see your heart belongs in Fl. And I don't think you will be truly happy until you are!
Why don't you use this thread you have created as a kind of plan of attack\diary kind of thing?
You have already started it anyway :D
Whatever you decide, good luck!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 October 2017):
 OP, You do realize that moving won't change anything but the scenery? Right?
You will still deal with low self-esteem, the OCD, the need for validation, etc, etc. That you can't leave behind. It will follow you until you DEAL with the issues.
My advice to you is to stop acting like that "lost teen" that you feel you are. You are in your 30's. Time to set that little girl and yourself free.
If you FEEL a change of scenery could make YOU happier, then look into finding a teaching job in Florida or Mexico. Have goals and find ways to accomplish them one by one. You can't wave a magic wand and whoosh everything is perfect.
I'm sure your parents didn't move the family to NC to somehow punish you or hurt you. It happens. My husband and I have had to move several times due to his job. From West to East, to South and now North. And while I really disliked a lot about the area we lived in, in the South I did my best to make it work for the kids. And now we live I the North I have to say I sort of miss not having to shovel snow!
You carrying around all this resentment for your parents making a choice YOU didn't like gets you absolutely NOWHERE. Deal with the here and now. Not the past, not the boo hoo we moved when I was a teen. So what? Thousands have to move around all over the country. So time to SUCK it up.
If you want your life to change, make changes. Little ones, not HUGE ones. Why do I say that? Because usually making huge changes overnight is not realistic. Making little changes... can be. Baby steps.
And if I were you, I'd start with some therapy. CBT to be precise. Deal with getting to be in control of your OCD and your anger both.
Then you SIT down and make a "battle plan". Let's say your goal is to mvoe back to FL.
Step 1, SAVE up enough money to AFFORD the move. Which means you CUT your budget to the bone, maybe even get a second job.
Step 2, APPLY for jobs in FL. And keep at it until you GET ONE.
Step 3, Have a Yard sale and get rid of all the junk you don't NEED to bring with you.
Step 4, ( you can do this while looking for the job) look for rentals you can afford.
Step 5, Rent a Uhaul (or if you have less junk) pack your car and go.
Now there are surely a lot more steps, like including your family in your plans (in you want to), leaving your current job(s), etc. etc.
YOUR life is yours to live.
PS. I don't think your mom thinks you are too stupid to do XYZ I think she is trying to help you be more grounded. The whole "I want to be a Vet OR a tattoo artist..." well how realistic are either choices? Vet, isn't too unrealistic but it would take you AT LEAST 4 years to finish - can you afford that? A tattoo artist is very different as you HAVE to have certain skills beforehand. You HAVE to be good at drawing, be very creative, and take creative directions from clients and then, of course, the medium... drawing with needles on the skin. that, I think you can only learn by doing.
So stop blaming others, get healthy and then baby steps towards whatever goal you have. No one else is responsible for YOUR choices and actions (and inactions) only YOU.
...............................
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