A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok So this man in my life. We're not officially dating but we hang out alot and we are having sex quite a bit, basically friends with benefits. We've been doing this for about a year. which in my mind seems a little long to be doing the whole fuck buddies thing (we are also not hooking up with anyone else during this time - and neither of us are looking for anybody). He's told me in the past that he doesn't want a relationship because he's been hurt and is scared of getting hurt again so by this he's put himself in a safe place not to be hurt if we stop fooling around.Anyway how can i get him to realise i love him, by showing him, i know telling him won't do anything and just piss him off because he won't believe me. I need to show him that he can trust me and allow himself to care without just shutting me out. i know he can i just need to be able to show him all thisIf you guys could give me some idea other than just always being there for him and listening to him etc. as i'm already doing this. i just need him to realise i'm in love and care about him.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Maybe I see things in a simplistic manner. For me, it's understandable if someone takes precautions not to be hurt again, provided those precautions don't mean you close the door to anyone else who could come your way and really love you.
I also think that it's only healthy to move on. Life is made of good and bad experiences, and you need to learn to go on even if things don't turn out to be the way you expected.
So, I think he should be giving you the benefit of doubt. You're innocent until he can prove otherwise (and then he should not be intent on proving it). He can't know whether you would hurt him, but he's assuming you would. And I would expect him to know how he is involved with after one year.
I wonder how it is that he can be involved with you, but he wouldn't believe you if you said you love him.
In these kind of cases, I always suspect the party who doesn't want to be hurt. I think their motives are not what they say. However, often the person is indeed afraid of letting go. So take my suspicion with a grain of salt.
As to how you would prove to him that you love him, I think all you need to do is let your love show. If he's the kind of person who wouldn't believe a simple "I love you" on February 14, then I believe that your actions should let him see. Give him some time to understand who he's refusing to appreciate.
Also, a word of caution: if he keeps saying that he doesn't want to be hurt after, say, a long time, then perhaps you should leave him. Because if you stayed, he would hurt you. I believe that you're hurt already, by this man who refuses to see the gift you're giving him. That hurts, too. You're doing your best and it's not enough, and you don't know if it will ever be. So, give him some time, but worry about yourself, too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): There is only so much you can do to reassure him, he needs to come to terms with what has happened to him in the past. No matter how you phrase the words, how tightly you hold him - it's his mind that is holding him back. I'm guessing that after having sex with someone for a year regardless of whether you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend that person still has the capacity to hurt you.Would he be hurt if you called things off tomorrow? It seems like there is already some deep emotional attachment.The future is not determined by the past, I think HE is the one that needs to work this out for himself, not you.
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