A
female
age
30-35,
*lovex
writes:Sorry this may be a long one! But I need help! Potential monster in laws.Hi I need some help with my in laws, my boyfriend of 3 years is their only child and I feel like they resent me for taking him away, because he's very busy with work and chooses to spend his spare time with me instead of visiting them.As he is an only child, he was very close to his mother when he was younger, she spent all her time and attention on him as she and her husband aren't very affectionate towards each other.His parents constantly make comments about how they never see him and how he's always with my family whenever they see me, (My boyfriend lives with me in my parents’ house). They came to his 21st birthday party which I had planned and complained they never saw him and yet he was there with them at the party all night and they didn't say much more to him than happy birthday, when are you coming round? They didn't want to socialise with any of our friends or family, they just stayed within their small circle of friends, my family has invited them round lots of times to our home for meals etc. But they have never invited them round to their own home, (it’s not like they don't know them very well).I think they just don't like that their son lives with us and therefore must spend time with my parents when in all honestly, we have a big house, we all keep to ourselves, my parents, my boyfriend and I and my brother and his girlfriend.They didn't even come over to my parents and thank them for throwing their son a party in their home and allowing their family and friends who my parents had never met into their home. My parents did try and go over to socialise with them at the party and his mother told mine that we are too 'together' we spend too much time together and that I have control over him and she should see more of him, his father caused a scene at the party when my mother and our family were gathered in the kitchen pouring drinks, he shouted that 'its not acceptable that I haven't seen my son for more than a few hours in months!' my mother said well he's outside why don't you spend some time with him? I haven't seen you near him all night, his dad pulled a face and then went back and sat on his chair and never spoke to my boyfriend, then later said that he was leaving everything he owned to a friend because he comes round and visits him unlike his son.But of course my boyfriend didn't see any of this, he doesn't like to stand up to them even though he gets very stressed about the way they are and he never stands up for me, he just claims he doesn't hear anything, so his parents have just been getting worse.When we do go round and visit, his mother talks to directly to him and doesn't like to talk to me about what I’m up to or anything, unless she wants to know things about my boyfriend and his father ignores me, I walk in and say hello and he just grunts, and if he asks my boyfriend a question and he don't hear him but I have and I answer he keeps asking the question until my boyfriend tells him the exact same thing, it’s like he wants to hear it from his son because he doesn’t believe me.It’s crazy, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells every time we go round and having to bite my tongue when they’re out of order because my boyfriend won’t say anything I feel it would be wrong to cause a problem for him, but then he doesn’t help me out either so if I did say anything I would look like the bag guy.I have no idea what to do, they just ignore me now unless they want something or my boyfriend doesn't respond to their texts and calls. I'm so uncomfortable with the idea that we are going round near Christmas, when I am the one who has picked out all their nice presents, paid for them and wrapped them and yet they’ll act as if it was all my boyfriends doing.I dread to think the drama they might cause when we get married and later down the line have children! they already make out as if i have taken him away and changed him! when really he's just growing up we're both 21.Please help! Even hearing that other people have these kinds of problems would help right now, I have no idea what to do.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 December 2013):
 Actually, the final straw that set the meeting was because of an argument that he had at the time with his parents. We had been dating for 4 months and so happy. The entire time, his parents would tell him that they didn't think I was good for him, that I was "standoffish", that I would mess up his life by making him give up on his dreams, and that my family and I were "stealing" him, that I thought I was better than them, on and on.
They wouldn't say all that to me, just passive-aggressive "asides" as they were hypertouchy about anything I'd innocently say. For example, I had told them that my parents loved him, and they got really mad at that behind my back thinking I was flaunting taking him away from them. They told all of his relatives how awful they thought I was and how wrong for him I was. Funny, his grandmother on his mom's side told them to knock it off, because she thought I was the best thing that happened to him. I had only met her for 30 minutes when we went out and she happened to have been there.
Anyways, he had told his brother that he thought he loved me, and his mom heard it, which led to her and his dad picking at him about how wrong I was. They kept it up as he calmly told them that he loved me and wished they could see in me what he saw, which they would have none of. Finally they lowered the boom - he was 18, his mom told him break up with me or they would throw him out, which started an argument between his parents because his dad had never meant that and didn't agree. My boyfriend's response? The guy with a very even temper and very longsuffering yelled that he was going to marry me (I didn't know this at the time! hah), and that he was leaving, and a lot of other things, and then punched a hole in his wall before running out of the house to my house to wait for me until I came home from work 2 hours later. I met him and saw his bandaged knuckle, and he told me everything (minus the marriage comment). He had not told me the extent of the pressure they had been putting on him, and I looked at him and said "I'm going to fix this once and for all". and got back in my car without changing out of work clothes and went to their house.
On the way there, my boyfriend kept asking "what are you gonna do?" and I explained that I was going to talk to them calmly and let them get to know me and settle these misunderstandings. When I got there with him (he had left his car at my house), they were so relieved that he was alright, and I said "I think we may need to talk".
I was there for hours and hours and we made our peace. There was a lot of crying on his mom's part, and the empty nest thing came up, and all of the other insecurities came up, and I just told them what was in my heart, and how I viewed him, and what I really thought of them, and his dad let it slip what he said about marriage, which shocked me and embarrassed him.
Anyways, we made peace, and slowly (with a couple of hiccups, but they were small) built a good relationship with them. Heh, the marriage thing - I said we'd take things slowly and see if we feel that way after going out a bit longer. Obviously we did.
Hope that answers your question!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): YouWish raised some very important points. Your boyfriend IS the culprit behind all of this.
He has essentially told his parents they have been replaced. The people who brought you into this world, and want to see you; shouldn't be treated like they don't exist.
Until He can find it within himself to forgive and work things out. They will do everything in their power to make you and your family miserable. Only to drive him out of your home. You are drawn into his family-drama by all this passive-aggressive behavior. As I pointed out previously.
Leaving his family, to live with yours, sends his parents a terrible message. It's like saying, "I no longer love and acknowledge you, and I banish you from my life." He is calling them failures in every way imaginable. It is heartbreaking. Their anger comes from frustration. Bad manners forces them to behave inappropriately in your home and around your guests. They know better than that.
Disowning your own parents says there is some serious background history. Just talking to his parents may not be enough.
It doesn't always end like a TV episode, and everyone comes together in a group hug. Physical or psychological abuse, not to rule out sexual abuse; usually drives people to behave the way your boyfriend is treating his family.
It's not easy to air family secrets and dirty laundry. He doesn't want your pity, nor that of your family. Even less, your meddling. So he is totally withdrawn. Leaving everyone helpless and paralyzed.
Every closet has it's own skeletons. Talk is cheap unless someone is listening. Unless all parties involved want to be on the same page. Confess their own sins and face their demons.
Jealousy is just one facet of their issue with you and your family. Mistreatment toward you is only a side-effect; and collateral damage from a troubled past between your boyfriend and his parents. Dating back to his early childhood. That's why it runs so deep.
The pain is so severe, he can neither face it; nor forgive them. He will. Because woulds like his, come to a head. They end in an explosion from being held in too long.
That's why I suggest you stand back. It's their family issue. There is the past unaccounted for.
However; as YouWish, Honeyie, Aunty Bimbim, and I may all agree, don't take rudeness and mistreatment from these people in your own home. Stop them from using your home and hospitality as a battlefield, and turning your celebrations into their emotional minefield.
Your boyfriend is using your home as a safe-house, bringing his enemies to your very doorstep. In their eyes, you are the enemy that stands between them, not the mediator. Parents will fight to the death to reclaim their young.
You are in the midst of some powerful emotion.
You're too biased to be neutral. Too inexperienced with their personality-types. You'll side with him; before you would ever take their side. You already have.
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female
reader, klovex +, writes (13 December 2013):
klovex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE: I understand I can’t change anyone, I guess I was trying to make things as good as they could be in order to make things as easy to live with as possible and as less hurtful for both sides, as you probably understand they can be difficult people (I know we all have our moments) and no matter what my boyfriend or I do, that’s not going to change.I have always been a helpful person but I can see now that my efforts aren’t and will probably never be appreciated, or at least I won’t know it and I understand that they could see it as meddling when my intentions are actually to improve the situation and help everyone get along as we will one day become one large family and would hate it if we were to have children one day (their grandchildren) to see any bitterness etc. because feelings had just stewed for years as no one wants to deal with them.I will from now on leave them to it and just be civil, the only issue I have now is, if they are rude to me or disrespectful is it right or wrong to want my boyfriend to stand up for me or should that be something I only do myself? Part of me would like him to stand up and say ‘hey don’t talk to her like that’ and another part of me feels bad for wanting him too as I can clearly see how frustrated he is with them already and if he finds it difficult expressing his own frustrations with them, why would or should he do it for me.I find this difficult particularly because if my family were to do anything similar, I would be very quickly on the defence letting them know it’s unacceptable to treat my partner this way, I would nip it in the bud there and then and make it clear that they are entitled to their own opinions but not to be rude enough to share those negative thoughts and feelings when they could potentially hurt someone, especially when I care about them so much. I guess I am just comfortable enough to tell my parents how it is where as my boyfriend is not as comfortable with his.Thanks again for all your advice, it has been very helpful! YouWish:We live with my parents as before my boyfriend and I got together we were friends for 5 years, I was always allowed to have my friends over and so were my siblings, whereas my boyfriend was not, he was restricted to his 2 friends of which his parents were friends with their parents. So we would always hang out at my house and when we were together he started staying the night at my house and it became so frequent seeing each other as a couple that he pretty much moved in until the day he moved his belongings over and made it official (this was two and a half years ago) , his parents always made it clear that they didn't want us in their home as they felt there wasn't enough room (they have 3 spare bedrooms that don’t get used, but we obviously respected their decision as its their house). There was no decision to choose a parents house, it just happened that way.And I understand that he should be communicating with them, but as everyone says it’s actually ‘meddling’ if I try to encourage him to see them etc. I know that my intentions are good and I'm trying to be helpful, but clearly if they don’t want help, it’s no longer helping and I accept that. But at the end of the day I'm coming to the conclusion that this problem unfortunately is not going to go away, they will not try and make an effort to see their son with or without me nor will he try and make an effort to see them, I can only hope things improve for them.I'm just leaving them to it from now on and will continue to be nice to them unless they give me a reason not to, but even then I will just try and keep things civilised and not scoop to their level of being rude etc. or cause any more issues. I have now made it clear to my boyfriend that I feel sorry for both sides as they are missing out on their son and how they feel he has chosen a new family over theirs and he how he resents them for the way they treated him during some of the worse times of his life so far and how they now treat me. But I have also made it clear to him that it’s not my battle to fight and they will only have a relationship together if they all want it.Thank you for your advice also! It was very helpful.Out of curiosity YouWish, how did your husband react to his parents treating you that way in the early days?Thanks again.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (13 December 2013):
Your boyfriend is ultimately the cause of this entire issue. I felt that way with your original post, and I REALLY feel that way after reading your follow up. Yes, his parents were way out of line behaving badly at the party because they chose the wrong place to flip out.
They blame you because it's easier to blame the SO instead of blame their son. In their eyes, you "stole" him, he lives with you (Why is that, by the way? What was wrong with his house?) They're also attacking you and your family because you are trying to mend things. You can't! You're not his wife or his fiancee. This is between him and his parents.
I find it utterly deplorable that he isn't spending time with him on his own. Unless they were highly abusive to him, he should be there for them. Calls and visits are crucial, because you never get that time with parents back as you get older. He avoids them, spends the time with you, they're dealing with empty nest syndrome, and he has "switched families". Spending time at a party at your house isn't spending time with him.
If he has issues with his parents, he needs to deal with them head on. You said he doesn't stand up to them? That doesn't just go away. His avoiding them makes it worse.
His parents are behaving badly by their treatment of you. They need to be called on it, and they need to understand that he will eventually start a new family someday. In that case, you can stand up for yourself. My husband's parents were hostile to me at first because of the exact same reasons his are to you - he was spending all of his time with me, he was his mother's darling, I was his first serious girlfriend, and they thought I was taking him away. They would make little comments, and behind my back, they would slander me like you wouldn't believe in an attempt to pressure my boyfriend. I went over there to talk to them and addressed their treatment of me head on. I was very courteous, no voices were raised, and I promised them that I would never take him away. Other things came up, like they thought I looked down on them because my family had much more money than they did. Those things were their insecurities. Now, we are as close as close can be. My husband made it a serious point to spend time with them, including a week long trip with just them to Arizona.
You can call them on their behavior and talk to them. But your boyfriend absolutely needs to be their son and keep that bond strong. His family for all of its imperfections are important to him. His actions toward them are what's causing the backlash against you and the erosion of the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): I read your second post and see your frustration is building with this family. Perhaps I didn't exactly get the point across effectively the first time.You are trying to push your boyfriend and his family together; and trying to figure out a way to make them functional and more like your own. You want everyone to be close and to get along as one big happy family. They may happen in many years to come, as these people age. Age takes a lot of aggression out of obnoxious people.I know you want to be a diplomat, family therapist, and facilitator; and help these people to change into the type of family you have.That would take years of therapy, a professional family counselor, and 100 truckloads of effort on their part. You cannot change these people, and your focus on their passive-aggressive behavior is futile. No matter how much you try, you cannot make them likeable; nor stop them from faulting you for the fact their son can't stand being around them. Take that pressure off your shoulders. That's entirely their problem. He has adopted your family as his own. That is because he receives the love, stability, and warmth he never gets around his parents. So, he reduces his aggravation by just not being around them. Gently nudge, but don't push him. That tactic is ineffective; because they are stubborn, and they enjoy being who they are. They think everyone else is crazy. They also lack manners. So part of what you see as rudeness; is due to their own poor upbringing.It made them lousy parents; and their son is resentful and embarrassed of them. They don't know how to come together, and assume blame and responsibility. That means admitting to their faults. People like that can't do that. They feel it would be admitting they're losers. So you're shoving a boulder up the side of a mountain. Take a rest. Tend to your own family, where it is appreciated.They just don't have it in them, and don't like people like you and your family. All families are not the same, and there are issues between your boyfriend and his family he knows will never be resolved; because they aren't the type of people who would see a counselor. Unless they were ordered by a judge, with the threat of being jailed. Stop pressing your boyfriend about it, it's useless. You are a very sweet young lady, and you are full of good intentions. You should follow your boyfriend's example and leave those people be. You actually annoy them more than you may ever want to know. Trying to fix things is meddling, and is one of the reasons they dislike you. Not just the fact they feel you pulling away their son. You and your family are giving him a better family-life than they can provide, and they are jealous of that. They resent the whole lot of you. They're ashamed, and they feel you rub their noses in the fact he'd rather be with all of you instead. You can't make people like you; when you show them everyday what failures they are. Just be kind and leave them alone.
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female
reader, klovex +, writes (13 December 2013):
klovex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi honeypie, I have told my boyfriend that the situation is unfair in that they take it out on me for him not wanting to see them off his own back. But he just gets angry and frustrated at his parents for taking it out on me and putting us in this awkward situation, that makes him not want to bother with them even more, it just seems like the situation is getting worse regardless. I even suggested he go and have a heart to heart with both of his parents without me and talk to them and explain what makes him not so keen to go round and how he’ll try to make his own efforts to visit them more regularly rather than depending on me to remind him, another thing that doesn’t help is they guilt trip him, but instead of him feeling bad he gets annoyed that they are guilt tripping him in the first place!I think I am just going to have to accept that the relationships we have with his parents are always going to be a bit up and down, He says that he thinks he could visit every day and it wouldn't be enough for them, I guess I just have to take them in small doses and let my boyfriend deal with them how he chooses, after all I can’t be in the relationship for him and if they knew I was almost making him go and see them I don’t think they’d be happy about it, they’d either be hurt or think I was trying to be controlling rather than trying to be helpful!Thanks again for your advice! Much appreciated, happy Christmas.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2013):
 Have you told your BF that you feel it's kind of unfair that YOU are being judged because HE doesn't call and visit without being prompted?
Also, I would no do the shopping for his parents, HE should be doing that either by himself or WITH you.
Maybe you just have to resign to the fact that, THAT is how they are and adjust accordingly.
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female
reader, klovex +, writes (13 December 2013):
klovex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, they have been very helpful to look at this situation from different angles etc.
My boyfriend will only go round if i try to encourage him and i do try to encourage him to go on his own but he isn't keen. We are not attached at the hip! he has his friends, work etc. and so do i but for some reason when it comes to his family he doesn't like to go round, let alone on his own.
And yes of course they were given the opportunity to celebrate his 21st with him however they chose, alone or with me. They liked the idea of the party and were encouraging whenever i asked their opinion etc. they just weren't interested in throwing the party or helping out, even though i asked and tried to get them involved.
And no my boyfriend doesn't think to go round, call or text without being reminded, he's had problems with his parents in the past and resents them, i don't know all the in's and out's he doesn't like talking about it, he just likes to avoid his parents instead.
and i'm not crying about the fact i have bought them presents, i was stating that when I make the effort, and their son doesn't why is it me who gets treated this way, when i go round and see them in the day, i make sure i call them on their birthdays, i take my baby niece round who they love and buy them gifts that i take time to choose, something nice that they would like rather than something that 'would do'. I own and run a bakery, I'm always taking their favourite cakes and things round.
My problem is that i bother with them and try to encourage my partner regardless of how they treat me, yet they treat me as if i don't bother. I try to get their son to see them and he chooses not to, but I'm somehow the problem for this?
and i have and do try to look at the situation from their angle, that's why i try to encourage my boyfriend to go and see them and spend time with them and make time to see them with or without me. He just doesn't.
Aunty bim bim: it sounds as if you have a personal situation that has affected you, you jumped to conclusions that I don't see them and don't encourage him to see them? not everyone daughter in-law & mother in-law situations are the same.
my question is.. why would you blame the daughter in law to be if she IS making the effort and IS trying to encourage her partner to make regular visits? I'm not in anyway trying to keep him to myself and I certainly would never stop him or try to force him to not see them or not bother with them, just like I would never stop him seeing his friends or anyone else.
and if they are so desperate to spend time with him, why don't they ever invite us over? or invite us out? we always have to make the arrangements, they never want to plan or ask us to anything.
WiseOwlE: Thank you for your answer was very helpful!
I haven't yet rose to anything they have said or done, i try to bite my tongue as i would never want to make the situation more uncomfortable but it is difficult sometimes when they are plan rude especially when they are invited round, we had them round for Easter and his father walked into the house, went into our fridge picked out some food and went and sat in our living room watching TV all afternoon on his own, my mother and i have spent a lot of time preparing a nice meal and desserts etc. for everyone and we were all socialising in the dining room, but he didn't come in with us, my dad went over and asked him if he would like to join us and asked if he would like a drink and he just grunted at him, which my father thought was very rude, especially in his own home. (I agree).
and i did begin to try and leave it to my boyfriend to make the plans etc. and decide if he would like to go round on his own or with me as a couple. But this is where it got worse, because i wasn't making the plans and getting the four of us together (or the three of them) my boyfriend didn't bother and neither did his parents and this is where they began to be rude to me, as if I was holding my partner hostage. I don't know rather to stay out of it or try and help them all see each other.
honeypie: thank you for your answer also!
i agree with the empty nest syndrome theory, as he is her only child i can definitely see how attached they perhaps once were, but i think my boyfriends made that clear that it was her making the effort with him, as now he doesn't try with them and moans if she contacts him 'ugh mums just text me' and then he won't reply etc. which I think is awful to ignore her, but he just seems to want to avoid them, and I can understand in other ways, if you had them being that way with you for a long time, I guess I too would ignore them over time.
Regardless of how both of his parents treat me, i still feel sorry for them which is why i think i try to encourage them to see each other, it's just been getting more difficult as time goes on, now they have started being quite rude and that my boyfriend won't sort his own problems out with them, but it's not my place to try either, so very difficult!
It also doesn't help that he openly admits he likes my parents more (my dad and my boyfriend are mechanics and share a lot more in common than with his own dad). and i can understand how this would hurt is father, but it had NEVER been said to him! And when we have been round, we don’t mention my family as I feel they would take it as ‘being rubbed in’ and I don’t want them to take it the wrong way and make things worse.
I just don’t know rather to keep trying regardless and only say something when they are rude like you would any other guests in your home or leave it to my boyfriend to sort out his own problems.
What do you think??
All answers and help is very appreciated! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long question!
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2013):
First of all, I would suggest you have your BF stop by or call them once a week. IT IS his parents.
And I would suggest you tell him to go by himself, so you don't have to deal with the in-laws and so the in-laws get to spend some time with him and he with them.
I think it's the typical "empty nest" syndrome where they have had their ONLY child leave him and even if that should mean THEY can do stuff together they don't know how. Besides it's WAY easier to blame YOU then blame him. Because if they blame HIM for not calling enough of visiting enough, that would reflect back on them as parents.
The fact that he doesn't stand up for you to his parents is quite wimpy but he is kinda caught between a rock and hard place. So stand up for yourself, but do it with manners and respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): You have to accept that some people don't have manners, they are selfish, and don't go out of their way to be polite and accommodating. They show their negative feelings openly, in order to intimidate and manipulate.You should continue to treat them graciously. That's the type of people you and your family are. Don't let them change that.Speak to them frankly when they step out of line. Never tolerate deliberate rudeness in your home, or to your other guests.They are not the sociable type, and will eventually bring their family-drama into yours. You will eventually tire of their rudeness at some point, and will be tempted to address it. That's when the feuding begins. Don't let them get under your skin. That's their ulterior motive.Once they cause a rift between families; they have a reason to be more openly rude and belligerent.They will force their son to choose sides.It's better to just stay a comfortable distance from people like that.Stop pandering to them. Offer less invitations; but remain cordial. Leave it up to your boyfriend when he wants to visit. Don't even become a part of the nonsense. That's between him and his parents.When you are dealing with passive aggressive people, which includes your boyfriend; you pretend you don't notice the behavior. Otherwise, they'll drive you nuts.About your boyfriend. He can't tell his parents what to do, or how to behave. It's the other way around. He has a reason he doesn't care to be around them. Maintain polite, and keep a cool distance. Don't make a fuss over those people. If they do become in-laws, learn to live with the fact they may never like you, or your parents.That's the way life goes sometimes.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 I feel a little sad for your boyfriend's parents, it seems his life has been overtaken by his girlfriend and her family.
Do they ever get the chance for some family fun with just him or are you always there, attached to his hip?
Did they ask your parents to throw him a 21st? Were they given the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with him in their own right as his parents?
Does your boyfriend ever consider maybe he should just pop in and visit them on his own, give his parents the opportunity to just sit and talk with him without having to worry about you wanting to be involved in their relationship between parents and child?
Wah wah you are already crying about their response to the nice presents wrapped in nice paper that they are not going to appreciate, well guess what, they would probably prefer the opportunity to spend some one on one time with their son than any present you could buy, as his father has already let you know at his party.
Think about it, maybe, instead of thinking of how this situation affects YOU, put yourself in their shoes and once a week or so ask your boyfriend if he has contacted his parents this week, how hard would it be to ask "have you rung your mum lately"? suggest he pop round and see them, get him in the habit of remembering them regularly, unless of course, your intention is to wipe them from his life entirely.
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