A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am experiencing some extremely ridiculous conflict with my husband, and am deeply confused by this, perhaps because it is a very odd argument. So, I would appreciate some insight. Thanks in advance.My husband and I have always had a roller coaster of a relationship...we get along famously for a few weeks, everything is as blissful as possible, and then something rubs one or both of us the wrong way, we end up ignoring each other for weeks, and my husband ends up demanding my bankcard because he wants to end the marriage, then a few weeks later he wants to patch things up, and the cycle continues...So, even though our marriage is deeply flawed, we have been getting along wonderfully for the past couple weeks. Until Friday night...we were watching a film that stars a particular actor, and my husband started accusing me of leaving him for this actor if I ever had the chance. Yeah, I know, ridiculous. I tried reassuring him that this would never happen and that I am madly in love with him, but he said it doesn't believe me. I then proceeded to tell him that if he feels this way then perhaps I'm not the right person for him. We started arguing, and somehow he ended up saying that he loves our son more than he loves me, and that if he came home and we were both held at gunpoint and had to make a choice, well...you probably get where he was going with this. Not only did I find his remark to be completely twisted, but I was deeply hurt. I left the room and went to bed. He slept on the couch. That was Friday night. It is now Sunday evening and he has ignored me all weekend. He has done nothing but browse the internet, watch tv, play video games and eat. All weekend. All weekend with no regard to me or my son.So, my question for you is...Does anyone feel like what happened Friday night constitutes him giving me the cold shoulder? I am deeply confused by this and not sure what I should or should not be doing. Any advice is greatly appreciate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFatherly Advice ~Thanks for replying. I must mention that I did not "throw him out of the bedroom." He chose to sleep on the couch.A counselor is a fabulous idea. We have actually attended a few sporadic sessions, but nothing consistent, so that is most definitely something to look into again, and consistently.Thank you for highlighting those words - roller coaster, cycle, deeply flawed; because even though I already know my marriage is not of the healthy type, it truly helps validate that fact when another agrees.I definitely agree with you wholeheartedly as far as the celebrity thing goes. There have been some things that have almost entirely diminished my trust in my husband. Nothing as far as infidelity, but he is definitely driven by lust... so I guess when he accuses me of wanting someone else, I naturally project his accusations from his own heart/intentions. Does that make sense? So, as you can see, there are some deeply embedded flaws in our marriage. It's so difficult, because when we are on good terms, things are really REALLY good, but then we something goes awry it just all crumbles. So confusing. Thank you very much for your time. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRescuer -
Thanks for responding. It's actually very interesting you mention bi polar, as my husband was diagnosed with bi polar disorder during his teen years. Of course, he also informed me that the diagnoses was completely false and ridiculous. Hmm...Well, the other interesting thing is that my husband typically doesn't act in this fashion. I do know he struggles with insecurities, as do I, but this behavior is definitely out of the ordinary for him, which is a good reason for my confusion. You have definitely helped shed some light though, and thanks. :)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 July 2010):
 ok picking up some key words here
- Roller coaster
- cycle
- deeply flawed
I'm certainly not sure why you are asking if he is giving you the cold shoulder. He picked a fight with you, you dove in with both feet. You threw him out of the bedroom and now you are wondering why he isn't talking to you.
What should you be doing? you ask. You should be getting yourself and your husband and your son into a family counselor. You know this isn't right, or healthy. So it is time to put down your pride and get it fixed.
A quick side note:
Your husbands link to your son is stronger than his link to you. He is linked to your son by blood and love. To you only by love. I know this is confusing buyt it is very normal though most will not think about it as your husband has.
That doesn't mean that he loves you less than he did in the past. What it means is that he is more protective of his genetic future (his son) than he is of you.
OK, now a tid-bit about fantasies involving movie actors. This is common in our day and age because of instant nearly free access to entertainment. Most of us have the sane ability to suspend our disbelief and enjoy the show. At the end we know in the back of our mind that the characters are not real or even realistic. They are carefully crafted to attract out fancies. They provide escape. Although we may gush at them we will not leave our stable relationships for them, because they are not real. So while his jealousy could be entertaining if he is just playing, if it is real it is a sign that he is worried about you leaving. So your entertainment becomes a threat to him.
Anyway the up and down stormy cycle of your relationship is dangerous. Also, it can be very hard on the children. That is Why I strongly recommend getting with a counselor.
FA
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