A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I did some therapy but it didn't really help. Through strength and determination I’m a much more positive person that I was a year ago and I’m proud of myself for my growth.Core Problems:1. My earliest experiences with the opposite sex were very traumatic filled with much abuse and rejection.2. As a result I’ve never been intimate with a woman or had a girlfriend.3. Unfortunately, I now secretly hold a toxic bitterness towards women under my pleasant demeanour.4. May experience with men, was and is always a better experience. 5. Now, I identify as gay but it’s shrouded in confusion and uncertainty and no one seems to believe me when I tell them. 6. Also, I resent all men who have had healthy and intimate relationships with women ESPECIALLY gay and bisexual men (worse if they have a wife, girlfriend or kids...heck even ex’s).7. I could easily ask a girl for her number, ask her out etc. but It wouldn't matter. I have this....brokenness towards women so I’m not compelled to do it. Secondary Problems: 1. I feel completely worthless all the time. I even find myself repeating “I’m a bad person who deservers bad things” over and over in my head. I’m a complete loser and failure to nature.2. People actually find me quite handsome and pleasant and think I have it super easy with women but that only makes me feel even more pressured and more worthless. 3. Now, should a woman display interest in possibly wanting to be more than friends I avoid them like the plague and give no impression whatsoever that I’m interested. 4. But a part of me....is interested...sort of...ish....kind off. Women have this obnoxious allure to them. It’s like being trapped in cobwebs.5. Rationally, I know I shouldn't think or act like this but it’s so HARD to overcome. It’s so much easier to just loathe them.6. I have erectile problems (also with men) and my doctor refuses to give me Viagra because she says it’s a mental problem that I need to address.My Solution:There’s a seemingly nice girl at work who possibly might like me. She even mumbled “F*** me” once under her breath directly to me but I pretended not to hear. I don’t have any particularly emotions towards her or anything. We talk all the time (small office)I know the smart option would be to try and start something with her but: a) I don’t like approaching women because it always ends horribly.b) I’m not usually compelled to approach women anymore but I feel like I’d need to be super suave and charming all of a sudden and put in this HUGE effort to get anywhere.c) If I do kick it off and we end up in bed, my erectile problems take the stage.d) If it somehow works she may detect that I’m....inexperienced and who knows if she’d tell the office or not. Please, please, please don't simplify my problem. That's the main reason I quit going to therapy. This is a BIG problem for me and it eats away at me everyday single day. Not to mention I'm surrounded by a society that makes sex and relation the only topic to talk about. But I know if I could tackle these goals I feel like I could crack out off this messed up shell I’m in. These are not issues I can just talk to about with anybody face to face. Everything feels like a stack of dominoes waiting to tumble over.Any tips on my flimsy plan to maybe become a healthier person?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the late reply guys. Thank you all for your responses. I'll try and put them to proper use.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 June 2017):
 You might be trying to tackle too much at once.
Perhaps you could learn to be more comfortable with women as just friends. You wouldn't have to be suave or charming, or worry about performance problems, and you don't have to limit yourself to someone your own age. With someone you're not attracted to the stakes are lower. If the feelings aren't strong the fear of failure won't be strong either.
Change your mantra to something more positive. You don't have to commit yourself to 'I am a good person who deserves good things' if you're not ready but something like 'I want to be a happy, healthy person who inspires others'.
Which brings me to my next point, the focussing on others. Right now you're focus is almost entirely on yourself. How YOU feel, what happened to YOU, what might happen to YOU. And it's keeping you trapped in the negative. Ask yourself what you can do help others (even in small ways). Feeling good is the result of DOING good. Waiting to be happy before you reach out is like telling an overweight person to wait until they're slim and healthy before eating right and exercising. Bereaved families and survivors or traumatic events do this to overcome their own struggles. If it works for others, surely it will work for you.
This is a process so give yourself permission to tackle this in bite size portions and understand that progress will be spotty and sporadic, but you will get there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Speaking from a layman's opinion and based on experience; I don't think anyone would disagree that you've got to get-over your self-hatred before you can like women or anybody else. The aura projects from you out into the atmosphere; and the vibe is quite off-putting for those around you.
People read your body-language and facial expressions. Negative-people exude an unsettling vibe through their demeanor. For you, It switches-on around women automatically. I can only presume.
It only seems logical, if you identify as gay and get along better with men; then direct or focus your attention towards men. It doesn't make sense approaching women, if you don't like them. Their powerful nature-given intuition picks-up on it. You consciously and subconsciously send-out the signals.
They are magical, confusing, and have something about them that pulls or gravitates you towards them. You have been well-conditioned by everything you've been taught and told all your life. You're a guy and you're supposed to be sexually-attracted to females. No ifs, and's, or buts. That's the score, and no argument. Case closed!
Nature even wired you to have some form of attraction towards females; even if not sexually. That's because we have to love our mothers, aunts, sisters, and female-cousins. Females are our human counterparts with indoor plumbing. They can have babies to perpetuate the species. They're the creators of our family-units. All they need is sperm, they don't even need a man to do it! There has to be some cohesion; because human-families must bond. We're social-creatures and need to be accepted by groups. We'd rather isolate ourselves than be rejected. Go figure!
Well, you tried, and your social-awkwardness or whatever diagnosed disorders you have; didn't allow you to make the kind of emotional or physical (heterosexual) connections you've been consistently taught you must have. Something you should have developed naturally, if that was your natural sexual-orientation. Judging from your post, I guess it's not. You're in deep-denial, all the same.
I'm inclined to believe that you don't really hate women, you hate how you've been treated by those you've interacted with, and frustrated that you can't function with them as you've been conditioned to believe you should. To prove you're normal. Well, if you want children the natural-way, want a wife, or girlfriend; sex with them comes with the territory. You feel left-out or denied, so you hate them; and hate yourself for not being "normal." It conflicts with your life-long conditioning, you can't fake it, and you hate feeling there is something wrong with you. Your mind won't change at the flip of a switch; or on demand. I can see why that's frustrating. So when you come around to accepting who you are, you're most of the way there.
Although we (you and I) are gay, we are still wired by nature to feel some magnetism towards females. Regardless of sexual-orientation. Unless of course, you suffer from a drastic case of misogyny; which will probably require continued therapy for some time. To include the acceptance of the reality that, like them or not; females aren't going anywhere. They don't owe you anything, and all females aren't responsible for how some you've known have treated you. You apparently have a very stubborn nature. You reject your therapist, because you resent her for being female. Perhaps you don't feel she really understands or identifies with your feelings. Maybe you feel you're consorting with the enemy by opening-up to her. Being vulnerable to her judgement. I think it was sterling advice to seek another therapist. Preferably male. Then open your mind. Stop trying to be contrary and resistant; only to prove how worthless you have led yourself to believe. Get a grip!!!
You say you're told you're attractive by others; but believe to the contrary. You seem to enjoy being the total opposite of everyone and everything. I guess that's how you roll. Only, reality disagrees! What you see going on around you doesn't have to comply with your negative-opinions. You also oppose your own feelings. Maybe you're just venting and having a shitty-day; but some of this sounds much like embellishment. Somebody really pushed the wrong button, or plucked the last nerve. You've had it!
Erectile-dysfunction in your age-group is rare; and you're told by your doctor it's essentially, all in your head. I would think the doctor is more than qualified to reach that medical opinion. She/he has your complete medical-history to go by. Try your best to trust someone.
Don't seek romance at your workplace. Seriously?!! Worse dating-pool you can ever dip your toes into. You'll find more drama than anything else. Not to mention gossip and rampant-speculation. If you can't f**k her like she asked; continue to ignore her propositions. She's way out of line anyway. She'd be on a beeline to Human Resources, if it was the other way around. You have professionalism and sexual-harassment laws on your side in that particular situation.
You like beating yourself up; but nothing you say justifies it. People who are as awful as you describe yourself to be; usually don't admit it, and it takes a lot to convince them even when it's true. I think you're a salvageable, clever, and likeable guy. You just hate not being heterosexual or having the option to be bi-sexual, to feel more "normal."
I think many gay people can identify with your inner-feelings; but most of us will come to terms with who we are. It starts by accepting who you are; and being aware that being different doesn't warrant self-loathing.
I'm no therapist, I'm a guy with experience and empathy for people who are confused, grief-stricken, or in pain. I feel you my friend.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 May 2017):
You need to go back to therapy. If the first one didn't work find another. One skilled in cognitive behavioral therapy. He will work with you on retraining the way you think. It will be difficult but if you're committed to change and you semm to be you can change.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2017):
 Your plan is, pardon me, terrible. First off, never get involved with a co-worker. The only circumstances where I would give the green light to an office romance, is if you're so head over heels in love with one another that you can barely get any work done. If you're not feeling super crazy mega amazing about her, then drop it. No f-ing in the world place. Don't shit where you eat. You are worried about the office gossip? You should be. There will be gossip. So just avoid that situation.
Next, Im not a therapist. But if you have an issue with women, wouldn't it be better to have a male therapist? I dunno, just seems to be way more logical. Especially as you say the therapy didn't help: well, that therapist wasn't the right one. Seek out another one, preferably a male this time. Therapy needs to be a place where you feel relaxed and confident, I believe. Not a place where you feel in constant struggle with your therapist.
Next part: I think some change of scenery would do you good. Maybe move? Go on vacation? Apply for a new job? External changes can help you get started with internal changes.
As for women, I would advice you to not try to have sex with them. From what you describe, you're not actually interested in that. Besides, what would sex do for you? Sex with a man or sex with a woman, it's still just sex. What you would benefit more greatly from is if you find a woman who you develop a friendship with. It shouldn't be hard, every girl dreams of having a gay best friend.
And last, the brain is a muscle. It can be trained. You can train your thought patterns. Right now you are deeply involved with telling yourself negative things. This has probably been going on for decades. It's a deeply rooted habit. But you are adult now, not a child, and thus you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. That means, blaming a terrible childhood etc isn't going to work. You might get pity points, but that's about it. Yes, life sucks. Don't I know it. But acknowledging this doesn't make us better people, and feeling sorry for the cards we were dealt doesn't make us happier people either.
Train your brain into thinking good things about yourself. Say ONE positive thing about yourself every day. Say as many negative as you like also, but practice saying positive things. When the "once a day" thought becomes a habit, increase the number of positive things. Then focus on the negative thoughts. For each negative thought, say a positive one to yourself.
When the world becomes dark and you see no positivity at all, remember that these days will pass. Once you have energy, you will feel better again.
And eat well. Make sure your body has enough energy. Low energy and not enough nutrients will make your brain turn against you. For real.
You can do this. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (31 May 2017):
 You need more therapy. You can't change this on your own. Finding a good therapist is the answer - if the first doesn't work, find another.
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