A
female
age
,
*o_Very_Confused
writes:Ok I always help folks here now I need YOUR help...My boyfriend and I are a very non-traditional couple. He is 13 years younger than I am (he's 38 and I'm 51)We were Long DistanceWe started out as NSA/FWB (I was in an open marriage that has since ended and while he was a catalyst it was NOT his fault)Now we are living together and we plan to marry BUT I HAVE TO PROPOSE TO HIM. He already has a ring I gave him that he wears on his ring finger (and it's going to be his wedding band) so I can't just get him a ringI have no clue how to do this, what to say, what to get as an engagement gift, etc. etc. etc. and I am very open to suggestions.
View related questions:
long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 @SVF and Chigirl- girls thanks. Reading your words was nice and heartwarming - and I need warmth since Italy is currenty under a 3 feet snow cover - and relative icy weather to put Canada to shame. Like many Aunts, I suspect, I too am better at knowing the right thing to do than at actually doing it, but, if what I say has ever been helpful to any DearCupiders, obviously I am very glad.
I'll add one more pearl of wisdom. There's what is sensible / wise / appropriate etc., and there's what makes our heart sing. And rarely they coincide perfectly. I guess the trick is to learn moving safely and securely in the grey area between the two, without venturing too much in either direction to the point where it can really hurt big time. I am sure that both of you are already quite good at that and will only get better, so again, best wishes for everything, including a happy Valentine's day.
As for the gift: I am short of ideas atm, so I'll still vote for the watch. Everybody likes a nice watch , I guess, and you can personalize it having it engraved with the date you met or something... Keep us posted !
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 January 2012):
 The couch in the den isn't that comfortable anyway. Best wishes Kiddo.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 January 2012):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the question It’s so very true. Cindy is my sounding board on so many things. We all know we can GIVE advice but we rarely take our own… it’s truly “do as I say not as I do”
Well last night two things happened: 1. We decided NOT to change our plans at all as his losing his job was our best case scenario (not fired laid off w/ nearly 5 weeks full severance and unemployment) AND my dear girlfriend who knows us both very well (and has the same reservations as the rest of you) came up with a PERFECT gift for him… AS A JOKE but it is perfect… it’s also rather rude… so I won't mention it here (yes it's a ring but it's SEXUAL if you get my drift.. I wonder if they even come in silver ROFL)
But he would love it and I think it will solve the problem… So AFAIK the proposal is still on for 2/29 and now I have to find a way to find this gift…
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I think it is imporant to support your friends even if they make decisionsyou wouldn't do for yourself. You know yourself best, and if you are happy then I am happy for you and wiling to support that. I don't know much about your man, other than you've said he's not perfect, same as you. What matters is that this is what you want for you, to make you happy.
But I can tell you this, Cindy is like the good aunty that watches out for us. She's been telling me to stay away from my own mr.dreamy now for months, but it is near impossible to listen to what someone else might think is best for you :p
PS. Cindy, I have stayed away from him in 2012! Tried at least, and contact has been reduced.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 January 2012):
Well, I guess that bliss can come in so many different shapes for each of us... so... MAZAL TOV !
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2012):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI promise not to leave crumbs! :-*
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2012):
Stay with me? Well I guess I can make up the couch in the den.....
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2012):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA watch is a great idea... and I"ve gotten a few private suggestions that are great.
As i told Chigirl.... things may have to be on hold now... he lost his job this morning and while we are not worried (and can make all our bills with my salary) I may have to put a lot of things on hold etc... he will here in the states lose his health insurance and the only way I can add him to mine is through marriage.
I am not rushing this. and yes he has his issues. I have mine too and I know you guys are my DC friends and worry about me.... and i love you all for that.
Lots of long thought is going into this. HE never wanted to ever get married. It was what he told me when we first started.... and i was fine with that. I love who I"m becoming because of being with him... I love so many things about him and about us as a couple... there are just moments when his issues hit me hard and I need a vent place... I'm older than most of the posters I advise to leave irrational, abusive, alcoholic partners... I have BTDT and know what I am getting into. I've made a choice to stay... it's very complex and detailed but trust me I'm not going in starry eyed that he will change or that it's bliss.... I see it for what it is...
maybe i'm a sadder sight than those that ask for advice... I'm the one that chooses to stay with eyes wide open....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 January 2012):
A scarf. Not a misshapen, granny -like one. A cool, expensive one, - silk or cachemire. It does not matter if he never wears scarves or he hates them- the idea is that you dab it ( in fact, drench it, lol ) with your perfume and he can bring it with him when he's away from you. Or keep it under his pillow. Sort of an adult version of Linus' blanket .
Chigirl is going to make fun of me again :).
Or, if you want to stay traditional /vintage , and cough up the cash ! a watch. A good one. Rich people used to do it here for formal engagements ( some still do )- the girl gets a ring, and the guy gets a watch.Date engraved
on the back.
Ahem- SVF, you know we are "DC friends"- we are happy for you, as long as you are happy we are too.
But the other poster raises a good point- you are getting married , and you feel like RUN... RUN ?
Are you not going to think it over just a little more ?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 January 2012):
Maybe you should get yourself a ring. Or maybe you can take him to have his bracelet or ring engraved with the proposal date? It's a cool date after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2012):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor all his insanity (wanting me to propose and he's taking my last name) he likes romance and tradition... just like men offer women an engagement ring, and many women feel like it's not a "real" proposal without the ring, I believe he would like something similar....
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 January 2012):
Why do you want a token? When you get married you will have wedding pictures as a token. A proposal doesn't need to come with a token, all a proposal needs is that you keep your word and are sincere and honest when you ask.
:)
I don't think you should get any tokens. If something comes naturally then sure, but if not then don't push it. There doesn't always need to be tokens.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 January 2012):
 "I have chills because you sound much like me and I've choosen to stay in my relationship but I'm telling you... RUN.... RUN NOW."
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2012):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE:
My divorce was final on 1/18/12 I just found out about an hour ago so now I'm full throttle preparing the proposal.
This is what I have so far:
Asking on 2/29 (Sadie Hawkins day)
he already has a ring I bought him that he wears as a wedding band and wants to wear as his ring so I can't get him a new ring... and he has a bracelet he wears that I had engraved with his nickname...
So Jewelery is out as a gift... WHAT to GET HIM????? HELP!?!?!?!!?
I figure we will go out to dinner somewhere small and quiet for dinner on the 29th (can't go to our favorite place on a weeknight sadly)
but I want a TOKEN gift... WHAT do I get him????
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 November 2011):
Just poop the question already (yes I know I have the humour of a 5 year old)
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2011):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOMG!
do i have to get married in a toilet now???
did i tell you all we are going to elope to Vegas?
I want to wear a red dress and black hooker shoes!
I DO
I DO!
ROFL!
I am really struggling with this.. I so want it to be special and yes he knows.. it's his wish I propose... so we've talked and talked...
dang to all the men out there who read this.. WOW you guys really do have a lot of pressure on you!
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 November 2011):
 So do means toilet and doo doo is two year old speak for poop. Really we should all be saying, I poop instead of I do?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 November 2011):
Fine, I wouldn't have wanted that toilet paper holder anyway, unless it had my wedding date engraved on it. Then it'd just be a matter of getting married on that exact date.
A little linguistic corny fun, if you end up saying "I do".. The word "do" in Norwegian means toilet. So it's fitting.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 November 2011):
Ooohh...you should not have said that, Chigirl :).
Now, you are not gonna get that lovely hot pink ceramic heart -shaped toilet-paper holder which I was keeping as YOUR wedding gift.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 November 2011):
Cindy I didn't know you had cheese in you, haha
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 November 2011):
Prepare him a special dinner with all his favourite foods ( or order them from the reastaurant if you are a bad cook!:)- and at the end serve him for dessert a cake with " Will you marry me " written in frosting.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2011):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOH such great ideas.
He works from HOME! :SOB: so I can't do anything like the banner... that's a great idea
and while SVC loves SEX... Keeper tends to be a bit more reserved about those things.... but I love the strawberries and champagne thing...
We talked more about it last night... and while I was going to do it this weekend (I am taking him down to florida to meet my dad (yes at 51 I still want my daddy to approve) he has asked me to wait till my divorce is final (that should be before February 29th so that's still a great idea)....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): SVC u luuuuuvvvvv sex/ anything sexual ( hope I'm not wrong) so how about dressing like Santas helper or "sexy" clause, with a very short red sexy skirt, and so forth. U will find everything in a lingerie shop. Serve him with champagne, strawberries/cream ( winter ???), chocolate And any other "sexual" gifts (don't know what u guys have during the festive period)
Perhaps ask him BEFORE the sex.....
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 November 2011):
Oh I love the idea of hanging a banner on the 29th somewhere he'd never expect it, like on his way to work. Brilliant! You should definitely keep us updated on this.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2011):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh wow... LEAP YEAR... February 29th is a Wednesday.... I just checked... hmmm... I doubt we could do the wedding on that day.... but if we could that would be fun...
I cannot propose during a fight... I wish I could... he expects me calm and cool and with my hot temper I can understand that...
Such GREAT IDEAS keep them coming
Cindy he does wear Jewelry he already has a titanium bracelet with his Nickname (Keeper) engraved on it to match my locket that has my nickname (Critter) on one side and “Keeper’s Permission Required” on the other… it’s from when we thought we were going to dabble in BDSM… we morphed into a much more traditional relationship (both of us are shocked but it’s what’s working for us)….
Eyeswideopen, I LOVE the calendar idea…. THAT’S a GREAT idea actually… he’s very much a planner!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): Hang a HUGE banner or poster, someplace he passes daily - asking him by name, to marry you - photo of him on it too
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 November 2011):
February 2012, leap year. Traditionally women can propose on the 29th of February.. so do it then. I don't have any great ideas for how or where, I'd keep it simple and sincere, and just drop the question when you really feel the love and passion burning, be that in the middle of a fight or when you stare into each others eyes with passion.
Good luck and congratulations....!!! So excited for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 November 2011):
Buy him a 2012 calendar and tell him you want him to pick one very special day for you two to become one, or some such schmaltzy phraseology.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 November 2011):
I've got a suggestion, - it IS sappy, OK, I know, but once you are going to do this, hey , might as well to be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.
Can you wait until Xmas ? No wait, I think you are Jewish, do I remember correctly ? That's cool, the Festival of Lights with the menorah will be fine.
Celebrate the festivity just the two of you, or make your proposal before you go out to join your family members. Call him in front of the Christmas tree , or the menorah, and tell him you you want to give him his gifts right then. Give him a box with the real gift, then say, I've got something else to give you- my heart for the rest of our lives, then drop on one knee etc. etc.
If he has the ring already and you want something symbolic for the engagement, why don't you give him a men's bracelet engraved with your initials entwined ( why not- Charles of Wales had one like that made for Camilla ). It does not need to be all flasy and bling-blingy; if he does not wear gold jewels, one of those silver identity tag thingies will be fine, or even in steel and leather ( very cool ).
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2011):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has light hair so the gray does not show and he wears it very short (high and tight military short) and he has a full head of hair... and it's thick... oy.... not a wrinkle on that baby face. He has gray in his beard but he stays clean shaven.....
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 November 2011):
Hey once he gets over 40 you guys will start to blend big time. How's his hair line?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2011):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionROFL... we do but NOT about this.
and the age thing I'm not so easily amused by.... I feel so old compared to him... I look my age, he looks 25...
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 November 2011):
Tell him it's either marriage or adoption and he gets to choose. You both have a sense of humor right?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2011):
So_Very_Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like simple and classic too... maybe over thanksgiving then since we are going to be going out to eat one last time up near a place we have gone to several times... that's a GREAT idea.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 November 2011):
How about you take him someplace that's really special to the two of you (like where you first said I love you or something similar), get down on one knee, take his hand and ask if he'll marry you? I'm just a sucker for classics, but I think simple and romantic is awesome.
...............................
|
