A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I'm posting again here because I cant seem to solve this problem no matter what I throw at it.I'm a 23 yr old virgin and have low self esteem as a result. My last and only girlfriend was 5 years ago. I've been on several first and second dates since then but very little. I've only kissed three girls in 23 YEARS. I've read so much. About dating dynamics. About the importance of confidence. About improving my wardrobe, looking better. It helps slightly but I feel like a failure with women.I have a great future job. But I dont want women to like me for my job. I have a lot of trouble trusting girls because some that I've met used me for other reasons. I've been to therapy for 10 months and it had little effect. I know having sex and getting rid of the virgin label will help me feel more normal. My friends(including girls) tell me to love who I am and that they dont understand how unlucky I've been. My friends that are girls say its no big deal. But some of them are virgins because they choose to be. They get hit on all the time. I've asked out women I've never met, GOTTEN NUMBERS, and then it dies out soon after a date or two. I'm on every dating app. I dont know how to lose the desperation. Guys that were successful early never were desperate. Sometimes I wish I wasnt born or born to be what women wanted. I've never told any of my guy friends or brother(he's gay) that I'm still a virgin. I lie through my teeth and if I told the truth they'd lose what respect they have for me.I need advice badly.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): Losing my virginity to a sex worker doesnt count. Its a cop out.
It's happened for everyone around me and I dont know why it cant for me. I'm on the course by 25 to giving up on finding a good woman becoming one of those guus who is too forward and hits on everything that walks. And I wont care because to me every woman has rejected me at that point and I wouldnt want a relationship with any of them.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 June 2016):
 You lose the desperation by realising and accepting that you're young and you're not as inexperienced as you make yourself out to be. Having sex by 23 isn't major and isn't really worth anything, just like being a virgin isn't. It only matters if it matters to you and being a virgin shouldn't be seen as a negative. Your problem comes from being hung up on dating and sex - if you'd relax and focus on improving the other aspects of your life, taking your mind off of dating and sex (not just pretending to), you'll probably find it actually happens. You're more likely to find a relationship when you're not focusing solely on it. You could even be giving off that vibe on your dates and that's why it doesn't progress.What you need to do is build your confidence *for you*, not to get a relationship. Travel. Find a new hobby or two. Deactivate your dating profiles for 3 - 6 months and focus on *living*, not waiting for a relationship and sex. When you genuinely no longer focus on it, your life and confidence will improve drastically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): I think that as long as you have this hang up, you are going to self sabotage.Meaning, you are going to obsess about it constantly to the point where it paralyzes you with fear and then you will forever wallow in it, continue to use it as a crutch and stop yourself from even placing yourself in the starting gate. All your hang ups are being blown up and causing you to over worry and over think everything. I am female but I lost my virginity late in life. I won't say my age but I was married for a very long time and stayed a virgin until I met the first man I was exclusive with after my marriage ended. My then husband just could not perform it turns out. I waited till marriage because that is what I was raised to do. But I wish I didn't. I felt useless, unloved, not sexually attractive. And my self esteem went downhill too. I mean, here I was, a married woman. And STILL a bloody VIRGIN!!! Now, THAT does not happen everyday. So, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone and many of us have or have had similar experiences. Thankfully my now boyfriend took my virginity. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me. I felt alive. Like a woman for the first time. So, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Not to mention, sex is fun and the connection of two people and that kind of passion is unlike anything else in life.BUT having said this, it's ironic but sex can also be over rated.If it is affecting your self esteem and pushing you into therapy, then clearly you are having a big issue with it. We are all different and have different stories. There is no right or wrong. No right age or timing. Everybody is different. Not having sex or being a virgin does not make you less of a person or less of a man. It is the stigma society creates and then imposes on us. Virginity has two sides. Either it's a wonderful thing or it's like a disease. Depends on who you are talking to. What matters is that you stay true to what is right for you.If it is really bothering you, then hire a sex worker to help take care of it. Then you can feel free and perhaps regain some confidence in yourself. But are you sure that even if you did have sex, you will feel better about yourself? Or will you still have low self esteem? Where does your self worth and self love come from? I suspect there might be more at play than just sex. You seem to think that if you have sex, your self esteem will magically sky rocket. Well, it could. But, for how long? I wonder if you are experiencing any other issues that could relate to your low self esteem. And perhaps the low self esteem will be a recurring problem for you. Because once you have sex, you may worry you are not performing a certain way or are not satisfying a woman properly. What is the key? Losing yourself in the sex. Riding the PASSION. Never worry about the mechanics. Because the mechanics do not make great sex. It is the passion of two people coming together, both willing and able and enthusiastic about pleasing each other. Women love a man with enthusiasm, who is into making sure she climaxes and is not all in for himself. This is important. I think you are making too much out of this and driving yourself around the bend. There is no need. And no rush either. Who says you won't meet the right girl tomorrow and have a relationship and lose your virginity to her? It is not always easy finding women to date. You are right. It is sometimes luck stumbling upon the right opportunity. And women are weary nowadays even though we are more sexually liberated. Never put yourself down to the point where you say you wish you weren't born. And you will not be what every woman wants. No man could be. You will not be what all women want. You will be what the RIGHT woman wants. What the woman for YOU wants. It does not matter how perfect, good looking and sexually experienced you are, you will never be what every woman wants. Never. You are in good company with many other men. To think this way is self defeating. It affects your own confidence and self worth. Tell yourself you are a good guy. You are attractive and quite the catch. Tell yourself you are going to find a woman. It is just a matter of time. That is all. Takes patience and hanging in. And making sure you have healthy self esteem. Women are not interested in a guy who is not confident or does not have a good sense of himself. Trust me, if you are focusing on developing yourself as a person and being interesting to a woman (WITHOUT adding sex to the equation) the rest WILL follow. Sex would be the natural progression. But you are putting the cart before the horse. Do you see what I am saying? Your "desperation" will come across to women. And this is not appealing. So, you need to relax. And work on yourself. Work on your presentation and the package you are offering before jumping into sex. What are you interests in life? Your PASSIONS? What is interesting about you as a person? That is NON sexual? Think about these things.May I suggest something to you? Would you like to meet women? I say you should join a dance class. Or a ZUMBA class near you. Dance classes are the ideal place to meet women. Also, I suggest you take dance lessons. How about that? Sounds radical but it's going to change things up for you. Perhaps even change your life. What does dance do? Well, it uplifts you and gives you this unstoppable confidence in yourself. Like you are invincible. Another secret? Women LOVE men who dance and know HOW to dance. So, start working at it. Your body is going to look better and be more fit. You are going to develop a sensuality and sexuality that goes with dance that WILL attract women.What do you think of this idea?You are refreshing to be honest. Many men are out there banging every woman they can find. Let me tell you a secret. They think they are real men but in actuality, they aren't. A guy who is a virgin has NOTHING to be ashamed of. Ok? What you need to do is gain your confidence back. Be a strong and whole person before venturing out into the dating world if it is a relationship you seek. Now, if you want to lose your virginity because you feel compelled and do not want to wait, then you can find women to help you do this. Sex workers, ads in casual encounters on the net. There are many routes nowadays with the internet. Even going to a bar (ie. ladies nights or bars that cater to older crowds) and finding women who are older and have had a drink or two and are into younger men. Some women love showing an inexperienced young guy the ropes. Just like men like notches on their belts, some women also do.So, keep your chin up and your confidence high. Work on yourself and feeling good about who you are without adding sex to the mix. You are placing way too much pressure on yourself and it becomes this fear which is magnified and paralyzing. Know what I mean?Hope I have helped you in some way.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): I met my long term girlfriend, the mother of my first child and future wife, in Tinder for god's sake. Just be honest, be yourself and don't limit your options.My only other relationship was with a woman I met through my sister becausethey worked together. So why not meet some people through mutual friends? Most relationships start that way.Elsewise, quit being whiny and get comfortable being inyour own skin around yourself before you can expect others to do the same.And if it is just sex you want, go and have a one night stand or get a bloody prostitute.
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