A
female
age
41-50,
*iaM
writes:We met online, he is kind, sweet, committed and just a good soul. I wasnt awfully attracted to him physically but he is the kindest man on this planet so I decided to meet him anyway. I was still not attracted to him but felt because he is such a good person I would go on another date and 9 dates, flowers, a question to be his girlfriend, many kisses, dinners and fun I am still NOT attracted to him physically. I mean dont get me wrong, there's some level of attaction considering I make out with him but when we go out I feel ashamed of him and I hate it. I am fit [I work out 5x a week], and have muscles to show for it. He is what you would consider a bit chubby, beer belly and a smoker. When I am with him I dont want him to hug me in public and I also hate the way he dresses. I dont know how to NICELY tell him I dont want to date him anymore, mostly because it has nothing to do with him but me being shallow and always thinking about being judge by people. we went to see the sunset the other night and I refused to get out of the car bc heaven forbid I see someone I know. I know I need to let him go and find someone who is a better person than me but when I think of telling him I feel sad but when I decide to stay with him I feel like I am going to hurt him bc lets face it, I cant hide forever. we talked about him joining a gym and I offered to help him with his outfit choices but I feel like a piece of sh!t at the thought that he is even considering changing because of me. I know I need to break it off but cant find the right words since he thinks everything is just fine and he thinks I am just very private and this is why I keep us a secret...
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female
reader, MiaM +, writes (2 August 2018):
MiaM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere’s an update: sadly I kept seeing him and started feeling worse as the time went by. Well yesterday I found out he had lied to me about something stupid (for several weeks) and since this wasn’t working for me as it was, I decided to just end it there. I was about to give him a chance but it was in the hopes that he would change and eat healthier n workout but I realized that ppl are who they are when we meet them n I shouldn’t have started dating him considering I wasn’t 100% interested. I learned my lesson n will make better choices
Thank u to all who took the time to give an answer here! Much appreciated:)
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2018):
 While I don’t think you are a bad person to want to be with someone who is healthier and fitter like yourself I don’t agree with the fact that behind doors you are okay with him but you are ashamed in public. Mainly that is because I hate when people judge others on appearances. Who cares what other people think if you are happy. You shouldn’t worry what others have to say about you. But at the end of the day this isn’t working for you and well this poor man is getting strung along. Please do the decent thing and end it. Explain to him the feelings are just not there and leave it at that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): It's important to get the full/whole package. Great personality, healthy lifestyle/fitness, good work-ethic, and excellent kisser.
Just be sure you also bring all of those things to the table. You can't set a standard that you can't meet yourself. You don't want to settle for less than your most important criteria; but it's hypocritical when you fall short yourself in all these important areas. It goes two-ways.
You might be pleasing to the eye, but are you also a joy to be with? Can someone describe you as a person with all the positive attributes you gave for your gentleman friend?
Don't just go by what's pleasing to the eyes; or simply matching-up for the purpose of aesthetics and image. Make sure you put your heart into it as well.
Pretty couples are a dime a dozen; finding couples who are well-matched in compatibility and more important areas that make for a successful relationship is the challenge in these times. When looking for love; you have to satisfy more than your vanity, if you want something meaningful and durable.
You also have to be worth the high-maintenance. Live-up to your own expectation. If you raise the bar, and he can clear it; he's expecting the same from you. Your looks will fade with age. Gravity is much stronger at 40 than at 20. Pounds don't fall off as easy in your late 30's and 40's as they once did. Especially after childbirth.
You don't have to settle for someone who doesn't turn you on, anymore than settling for someone you find void of a decent personality and good-character. Better he finds someone to appreciate who he is; and not so much what he looks like.
I'm a fit person too, but I'm also well over 40. My genes are good to me; but age moves forward, not backwards.
Let him down easy!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 July 2018):
 We all have preferences about looks. Sometimes we can pick partners who look nothing like our "ideal" and still find them attractive through getting to know them and their personalities winning us over. You hoped that would happen in this case but it hasn't, despite him being such a nice guy.
Be kind and let him find someone who will love him as he deserves. That person will, obviously, not be you. Then go and find someone who you are not embarrassed to be seen with.
Yes, on one level it is shallow but it is also realistic. You can't force these things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2018):
 OP, I don't think you are a piece of shit for wanting a healthier and fitter partner (on top of other qualities).
I don't think it makes you shallow, since you yourself are healthy and fit. It's not like you want something that you aren't willing to do yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 July 2018):
 “You are a good man, great communicator, great kisser and hard worker and I hate that I would have to let you go but at the same time I should be honest with myself. I don’t see you with me as I don’t feel the level of attraction that is necessary for a successful long term relationship. I wanted to give us time to see if that would grow, but alas, it hasn’t. To be fair to you, I need to let you go.”
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A
female
reader, MiaM +, writes (3 July 2018):
MiaM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies... I did say there's some level of attraction considering I am ok with him when we are ALONE. He is just very touchy n although I dont mind that, with him I feel embarrassed and yes I feel bad about it and I dont know what to do about it. The thing is that if he would make better choices [work out, eat healthier etc] I wouldnt be passing him up but on the same token, I dont want him to change for me and then resent me for it. I absolutely love the person he is and I know its whats inside that counts but the outside doesnt hurt either if we are all being honest. This is a good man, great communicator, great kisser and hard worker and I hate that I would have to let him go but at the same time I should be honest with myself and honestly when I think of introducing to my friends or family I get horrified like they would immediately be like 'wtf you went rogue' because I have mostly dated guys who are good looking jerks - not that this guy is ugly but just so out of shape and no i dont want to hurt his feelings when I tell him so I want to be GENTLE - hes done nothing wrong - Im the piece of sh!t who is too concern about looks but I need to be genuine with me as well
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2018):
I agree with Tisha.
Dump him and do it GENTLY.
You ARE stringing him along, OP - I know you don't intend to hurt him but you are.
The attraction isn't there and won't just magically show up. HE deserves a partner who want him, warts and all. and you deserve a partner who fulfill ALL your needs.
While attraction isn't THE most important thing for a relationship to work, I do find it's pretty important. Just like having things in common, values, morals, faith.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): He's not stupid. He likes you so much he's dismissing the fact you seem ashamed to be seen in public. Do you really think he can't tell? He's just happy he can get the attention of an attractive woman. The fact you've accepted subsequent dates is leading him on; and I think it's quite cruel of you.
What's so hard about telling someone that you don't think it's working; as opposed to feeling turned-off by them, and ashamed to be seen with them? That hurts my feelings, and I feel sorry for him just reading something like that.
You don't make any sense. You can't hurt his feelings; but you're ashamed to be seen in public with him. That's rich!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (3 July 2018):
 At least you've admitted to being shallow and self-conscious, that's the place to start. You keep saying that you're not attracted to him, but that you "make out". You wouldn't have been able to if you weren't attracted, the relationship would have fizzled out the first time you kissed. I think you really want to make this work, you just don't know how.
He is obviously very keen, and the positive things you said about him is everything you could possibly want in a partner. You need to adjust the way you're thinking of the negatives. You're fit and healthy, you could want this for him. Not for how he will look to the rest of the world, but the benefits for him. Share with him your enthusiasm for that kind of lifestyle. But don't push it onto him. As far as feeling bad about offering to help with his dress sense, don't!! He probably appreciates your help. Lighten up, and don't take yourself so seriously. Please don't let what you think others will think of you, and make a huge mistake and let go of what might end up being something really good.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 July 2018):
“Albert, we need to talk.
I’ve been quiet and not demonstrative with you because I was waiting for stronger feelings to grow. You are a kind man with many positive qualities. It’s just I am not seeing a future with you. I did hope for that to happen, but sadly, for me, those feelings are not developing. I am genuinely sorry that things are not going to happen for us but that’s how it is.
I do wish you well and I hope someday soon you’ll be happy that you were free to meet the woman who is your best match. It just isn’t going to be me.“
Don’t spend too much time agonizing about this. Get the breakup done as soon as you can. Any more time you dilly-dally is postponing the inevitable.
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