A
female
age
30-35,
*ocokitten
writes:This is what happened recently My husbands father came to stay with us after he got out of jail for not paying child support (it was from my ( husband and my BIL who are both grown) this man never works, smokes pot all day, and hadn't seen my husband in 20 years because he didn't care and didn't want to pay his child support. He pays part of it now, but with his sick mothers money because he doesn't want to work. His stay was horrible, he ate all our food, smoked all our cigarettes (4 cartons), used all our shampoo and soap, used all of our butter and Crisco, and had to go EVERYWHERE with us. At the time we only had one vehicle because my car was out of commission, and what we had was a old ford f150 truck. The three of us and our sons cars seat couldn't fit in there, so my FIL would ride in the back of the truck. We actually got pulled over because KS had thought we'd picked up a hitchhiker (he's that scary looking). After 10 days of crap, and almost having our electric turned off he finally left. We were both relieved. Well after everything, his Dad just came back for a day in November to see his probation officer. He had my husband taking him all over the state after seeing the probation officer. I was furious because my husband had me wait at my Grandma's house and said he would be back at 3pm, a little after I got out of class (I'm in college). I called to find out he was hanging out with a bunch of guys who were stoned and his stoner brother, I was a little upset at that point. He said he was leaving in a little bit, and would meet me at my Grandma's house still. I called him again at 9pm only to find out he had taken this loser to some old lady's house so my FIL could hook up with her. We ended up arguing and then hung up. He didn't get home until 12am. I was so mad because he kept telling me he was on his way, because he knew we had plans, and lied to me every time. If I'm even an hour late getting home my husband gets upset. So 3pm turning into 12am really got me mad. The only time my FIL comes around is when he needs something from us. When he got back to the house me and my mom were there. Me and him started arguing and my mom and his dad stayed outside. Once we went outside my fiance made a big mistake, he said they had really gone to my MIL house and they were all talking about me. Now when I said I didn't get along with my mother in law it's because of comments like this, "Your skinny because she eats all the food", "I'm tired of her getting bigger and you staying skinny" (I was pregnant when she said that, and before that I was in a size 9) "She has no hygiene because she uses pads instead of tampons", "She'll never make it as a nurse because all the nurses I know aren't lazy", "You have a right to be lazy, all she does is go to school, take care of the baby, and clean", "I don't think she feeds the baby enough food" (our sons 1 year old and 24 pounds) "She probably doesn't bathe him enough" (he gets a bath every night before bed) "Your more good looking then her". She's always talking bad about me. My mom knows everything she has ever said about me, and when my husband made his comment (it wasn't true he was just trying to make me upset) My mom finally said something, after staying quiet for 4 years. She said "Your Mom's nothing but a b****". Well after some more arguing, talking, and all of that. We let it drop for the moment and I went to my moms for the night. The next day my FIL called his ex-wife, my MIL, and told her what had happened, except he left out a lot of details to benefit him and my husband. Two days later me and my husband worked everything out, and talked about everything. His Mom, being the nosey woman she is, called to see if he had left me like she had told him to, when he told her we were working things out she went livid. She started crying because of what my mom had called her, and tried to get him mad at me again. She does this anytime she gets involved in our arguments, if we make up, she has to try to fill his head full of lies, like telling him I'm not feeding my son or bathing him. Now that we've had our son she tries to use him as leverage to get my husband mad at me. It doesn't work though because he knows the truth. Now it's been over a month and things cooled down, and she stopped talking to us for a while because she didn't get her way. She talked to my husband today and told him she doesn't want to get involved in our business anymore, but she said she still wanted to talk to us about what had happened last month. I see it as none of her business really, it was between me and my husband, and didn't involve her until my FFIL called her. She wants to bring everything up about me that bothers her, in front of my husband so she can get us in an argument again. Me and him are done with what happened, but she isn't and wants all of it to be brought up again. She's controlling, manipulative, rude, and fake. Even if she isn't talking about me for the moment she still does things to hurt me, that my husband doesn't notice. Like I was a size 9 before I had my son, for x-mas she got me PJ's that were size 20. Or when we went to her house for the weekend, she bought pizza, when I went to get a piece she went nuts because I accidentally grabbed a piece from my husbands pizza...I didn't know we had our pizza's. Or when she says hello to us when we go to her house she'll be excite when she tells my husband and son hello, but once she gets to me her smile turns fake and she doesn't sound happy anymore, she does it to let me know she doesn't want me there. Partly this is my husbands fault, he tells her about are arguments because he thinks he can get advice, instead she gets involved and nearly ruins our marriage. He gets mad when I say something about her, but he doesn't care when she talks about me because he doesn't pay attention to her. The only things he's done to stick up for me is that he told her that if she had anything to say to say it to me, and once in the 4 years we've been together he hung up on her. He gets mad because she doesn't feel welcome in our house. I don't feel welcomed in her's at all, and why should I be so welcoming when I have to watch over my back all the time to see if she's going to stab me again? She tells all of his family nasty things about me and lies. I've told him how much it bothers me, how hurt I am, that I'm going to leave him, but nothing works. She just doesn't like me because I don't work, yet I go to school full-time, clean, cook, and take care of our son 24/7. She thinks I should do it all, and he just has to work, and has a right to be lazy. She doesn't think he should ever help me with our son because men can't handle babies like women, so it's my job. She's about 350+ pounds, yet she makes comments about how I eat too much all the time. I'm in a size 12 now since I've had my son, and don't eat a lot at all because I'm trying to lose weight still. Can someone tell me how to deal with this? Whenever she's not around our relationship is better, and life in general is better. Do you think I was wrong in the situation? Is there anything I can do to make him stand up for me, or to get her to stop talking bad about me?
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female
reader, Locokitten +, writes (16 December 2009):
Locokitten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was brought up a "jesus freak" (thats what he used to call himself) and was pretty proper. He was raised by his stepfather who had drug and alcohol problems and emotionally abused them. The difference between his step father anf father are this, one works-the other doesn't, one pays child support-the other doesn't, one got sober-the other one only did until he got off of probation. He didn't grow up with his Dad around. His Dad was gone for 20 years, never called or anything. So he was going through what I was. He says he's done with his Dad because he never comes to just visit, doesn't call on the holidays, still doesn't have a job and he's 50 years old living off his dying mother who should be in and home, and only calls when he needs something. He agree's with me when it comes to his Dad, and so does his Mom. This is what made his Mom mad though, she thinks I shouldn't have been mad even though we'd had plans, he kept saying he was on his way and never showed up, his Dad was just using him for a ride, and they were around a bunch of drug addicts. Even though she hates all of that as much as I do, she won't admit he was wrong because of what my Mom said about her. She thinks that she should be able to tell me and my husband her nasty comments about me, but no one else can say anything to her. She stopped liking me as soon as I started dating her son, she told me she didn't want him to date anyone and tried to scare me off right away. In 4 years I have only commented once to her and all I said was "This isn't the sixties. Things should be 50/50 in a relationship". Because she had told me what she expects of me. To work, clean, cook, make his lunch, take care of the baby myself, and go to school. I do all of those but work right now, I'm going to work once I get into the nursing program, which isn't far away at all, I only have 2 semesters left until I can start. Usually I try to be nice and make converstations with her (even if I do she says I don't talk enough) I don't curse in her house, and I never over step my boundaries in her home. I've never been rude, even when she started arguments with us. I still always try to explain my side, but she never listens. One of her problems is that she over reacts. I sent her a messege yesterday after I found out she wanted to talk to me and my husband about what had happened, he told me he already knew what she was going to say and that it was more for me. So I sent her a messege and said that If she wanted me to call I would, and that I wanted to get everything over with before x-mas so things wouldn't be awkward. I said that I would like to hear what she had to say or talk if she wanted to. She called my husband today and complained that I had sent her a messege, she said I over reacting and thought the situation was more then it really was. I was just trying to be poliet, if my husband already knew, she didn't have to feel like he had to be there so we could talk. I just don't know what to do anymore. She says she wants to talk, but its always on her terms, I don't want my sons first x-mas and birthday ruined by her causing another arugment, which usually happens when she talks to both of us. I'm a grown woman and he's a grown man, I don't need her to act like she controls everything and everything is on her terms only when it is conveinent for her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): This reminds me of the story about the bird and fish that fell in love.Where will they live water or air?If I was in this situation I would take my "focus" off them and their dysfunction.There is little that you can do to fix these people.Understand your husband grew up with this mess and is used to it.You are not.
I would force myself to focus on my own goals and personal life.Learn and work to be the best at what your studying in school.
You don't have to get along with everyone to be successful.
There is another way which isn't the best long term.If you have enough self control you can reverse play manipulation.Act caring and sympathetic to them don't complain.Listen to them pay attention and be a friend.They will really start to like you.
The funny thing is she will flip and start defending you and going after your husband for not doing enough to help you.Somehow all mother in laws think it's their job to criticize the daughter in laws.Fixing the areas they see.So Let her see you differently and her work is done.recap Pretend like your listening and then do what you want anyway.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 December 2009):
Your mother in law is not the real problem, your husband is. Just like you would defend your husband if any member of your family cussed him out, so should your husband defend you. This woman obviously struggled with her sons probably worked hard to take care of them so now nobody is good enough for her little boy. He needs to stop hiding behind his mommy's skirts and be a man. If he has a problem with you, he should go complain to YOUR mother, not his; because when you work it out, she will still be griping for her son. You need to raise this issue with him at a time when y'all are relaxed and just tell him calmly that you will work harder at getting along with his mother if he stops running to her when he has issues with you. Also, maybe ask her what it is that you ever did to her to deserve this treatment and tell her as well that you want to get along with her for the sake of her son and grandchild.
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