A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been suffering with RJ for almost 5 months. My partner and I are so close, so in sync that we do literally feel made for each other. Our pasts aren't nearly as extensive as most, and we're *almost* even. Still, being so close has given both of us RJ. She is dealing with it better than I (a little more of a past than me, so perhaps why it's easier), but I can't let it go.Even in my best times, it's only a few days at most, and the thoughts are still there, just not always as painful.I feel as though I've done everything. I've read books on both RJ in particular and things like Obessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in general. I've read and practiced so much self-help stuff. I've read therapy tips I've tried to practice (can't afford real therapy). I've read things to try to alter my worldview and perspectives. I've lost weight. I know I'm better than what she had before. I know I'm the best, and I know she loves me more than anything. I've meditated, prayed, grieved, tried to suppress, distract myself, allow myself to feel the pain, everything. At best, my free days are just pushing it all down to spring back up even harder the next time.I REALLY don't want to leave. It would be wrong and hypocritical, but there are certain things that just upset me that I feel like I'll never let go of. I really, really don't want to leave. If anyone just has a list of tips and methods, that would be appreciated. I feel like I've tried all humanly possible and nothing is working. I've put up with months of hell because I know she's worth it if I can get over it, but my emotional thread is unraveling. My mental and physical health is starting to be impacted. I just need some help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): My ex boyfriend had this, it's a tragic condition and I really sympathize for you and your girlfriend. My story did not have a happy end, I'm sharing in hopes that you can somehow find relief before things get worse. We worked at it for almost 4 years, but ultimately we had to split up and we were unable to remain friends. He became abusive (verbally then physically). It destroyed me, I loved him so much, but couldn't make sense of his feelings. He wanted to see a therapist, but he was so volatile that it just never happened. Instead he started to self-medicate with pain killers, eventually becoming a heroin addict. I didn't know what was happening until it was too late, and by then I was so angry and upset that I didn't know what to do. He blamed everything on me and my past, making me not good enough. We grew to feel a lot of resentment and eventually he left and we haven't spoken since. I briefly saw a therapist to recover from the abuse, but after 2.5 years I'm still healing and very touchy about what I went through. This may not leave me. To top it off, sometimes I worry that I may still love him, but the thought of ever running into him terrifies me. Every so often I'll have a dream about him and it will have me shaken up for days. Just some thoughts on what you're doing to this woman you love. I did a lot of reading on this site on RJ, and I'm not convinced that anything can easily "cure" it. Sorry for the grim story, but hopefully you can find a better path.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have responded. :)Unfortunately, I really can't afford a therapist. I wish I could, as I'd have been there immediately. Jobs are also way too hard to come by here. To the second female anon- Yes, we have talked about it. She understands because she also has RJ, but I don't bring it up much because she gets really sad about it. There's nothing she can do or say to make it stop, so it's no use to worry her more with it. No matter how understanding she is, I don't want to test that to a breaking point. To Jessie- Yes, there are probably some of all that involved. :)Attachment issues and bad experiences in the past, too. But it's not the whole or the main story. I'm not even concerned with how I'll stack up to anyone else. It's just that there WAS more than me. So it's not entirely insecurity about comparisons, except maybe the tiniest bit.I have been journaling it, too actually. :)It helped for a while, but then it stopped helping. That's the annoying thing. Every time I think I've found a tool or technique that helps, it stops working after a few days, couple weeks at most. To the fourth anon- Actually, yes, she has questioned me about mine. It's a little less extensive than hers though. Actually, it isn't what I'd consider promiscuous. It wasn't casual sex or anything. It's also not the typical double standard thing. We also both hold to conservative values, so we neither actually consider experience to be a good thing. As we see it, our pasts our mistakes. This isn't something that is going to change. We were just both in bad places at the times. I also promise I'm not trying to sabotage this. I don't want to feel this way. At. All. But it's not under my control. From the moment I wake up until I sleep, it jumps into my mind and I'm powerless to stop it or not feel hurt. Some days, I can accept it as background noise. Other days, it'll suck the life out of me. That might sound dramatic to some, but I promise it really is like that.To anyone I didn't mention- I really do appreciate the time to answer my questions. :)I'll keep working on it. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I don't think it will ever leave me though. It seems my choices are to leave and remain single, as this is the kind of thing that would pop up with anyone, or to stay and just endure the suffering when it comes and hope the really bad days pass quickly.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (23 May 2015):
 I struggled a lot with RJ when my current partner first told me he'd been married before. I have a healthy sexual past of my own, but I've never met someone and been so certain that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with them that I'd stand up in front of all the people who matter to me and promise to love them forever. It was really tough for me to accept that a lot of the major life experiences that will be firsts for me (marriage, honeymoon, house, you name it) will be moments where he has been there and done that, and that even though their marriage only lasted a year, everyone he knows is and will be comparing me to his ex. Even his parents do it. They didn't like her, so it's always favorable, but at the same time it's a reminder of... something I'd rather not be reminded of.
It's really easy to look at someone's past and feel like what they did or did not do means you can't compare, or you weren't worth waiting for. What you have to remember is that your partner did not even know you, nor did she know she would one day meet you. She was looking for love in just the same way you were before you met her. And one of the great up sides to being with someone experienced is that THEY KNOW exactly what they want in a partner. The exes are exes for a reason. If you are dating, exactly what they want is you.
I stumbled across this article during one of my low points and the last exercise really helped me put everything into perspective:
http://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/coping-with-retroactive-jealousy/
Seriously, take the time and write the answers out to each question - if you can. The questions should be very difficult to pinpoint answers to, and that's the whole point. You can show it to your girlfriend too, if she's also dealing with RJ. Hopefully it's as helpful to you both as it was to me.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): I agree with Female Anon.It is rare to find anybody without a past nowadays.I was a virgin when I married my husband. It just so happened that I valued my virginity until marriage. He understood and accepted that. But he would have been perfectly fine if I wasn't a virgin either.Sure you can probably find a virgin to start a relationship with but would that solve all your problems? You would have the virginity but you might not have all the other things you like about a person. How much do you LOVE your girlfriend? If you truly LOVE her, you will overcome your RJ. And move forward with her. Realize that it is only destructive to you and your relationship. Take the necessary steps to deal with it before it gets worse. Because it will get worse. With respect to counselling, do you have a plan covered by your place of employment that might pay for a therapist? In Canada, our employer usually incurs these types of costs as part of our employment benefits. Not sure if they are similar in the U.S? Or, it doesn't have to be a professional to start. Do you have a trusted friend or somebody close to you that you can talk to. Sometimes just having a confidant helps.Female Anon is also right when she says that even if you did find someone without a sexual past, there will inevitably be other problems. And that person will not be perfect either. Nobody is. Perhaps your own expectations are too high? It is an issue you have within yourself, right? Do you agree that your GF should not have to pay for it? She is entitled to her past. It was before she met you. She did not know you existed at the time. So all is fair that way. Just as it is for you. I am sure you have a past as well. Does she question you about it? Have concerns about you because of it? NO I doubt it. Because she loves you. And she knows that you are human. And because she TRUSTS you. And she does not base your relationship or happiness on what is over and done with. She bases it on the here and now. How good it is here and now. And the future you will share together. Can you not do the same for her?I get it. You are hanging her for maybe doing things that were on the promiscuous side, am I right? Things that tarnish your image of her as the perfect girlfriend. You seem to tie her to a virginal image which is impossible for most women to uphold. I am sure you had some wild times. But as a man this is to be expected, correct? But men certainly do not wish for their women to be on even ground that way. They must be a good girl. Well as nice as that sounds in fantasy land, this is not reality. You CAN be a nice girl, a good girl and still enjoy sex. In fact if you have a nice girl who loves sex, trust me, you are a lucky guy. Enjoy it.I think you are analyzing and over analyzing way too much. To your detriment. You need to stop obsessing about stuff that has no place in your current relationship.Your girlfriend may have explored and had some experiences. So what? She was entitled. I can tell you that as a virgin when I got married, I so wished that I had some experiences too. Because my lack of experience and curiosity got the better of me. I had only ever been with one man sexually and I thought I could have been missing out. And I got bored of him eventually. So I got out of the marriage and started exploring my sexuality and it was like an awakening for me. I don't regret it. So the fact she has had experience is a good thing for you. She won't be curious about others. And some experience is good in the bedroom!Stop blaming her and resenting her for actions that are natural and things she did when you were not in her life. It isn't fair. Do you see that? Let that go. If she is a good girlfriend and you have a good relationship, why are you trying to sabotage it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): The thing,mate, is that "soul mates" are not constrained/restricted by body/bodily experience.I firmly believe she should not have told you. But you asked I guess? And then she did not want to lie to you? Can you see how good it is that she would NOT lie to you?Again, the clue is in the name "SOUL mates", i.e. related to your soul, a part of it. That means whether she were fat/ugly/totally not your normal type/whatevs IF you meet her in THIS lifetime (or any other), you'd always choose her above others and she will always choose you (as she has done-she readily admits the other guy was no goo. So what are you jealous of? Him not being good enough for her?Well,that's why she left him!)I don't think you're going to find a girl WITHOUT a past nowadays. Even if you do, you might encounter other problems.I think you need to concentrate on your own ideas= SOUL mates.,i.e. is about the SOUL, the SPIRITUAL connection, not the bodily one.
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A
female
reader, Jessie Stars +, writes (22 May 2015):
 Further research on RJ and perception shows there can exist a cause and effect relationship among the two. Have you ever seen the image where a cat looks into a mirror and sees a lion? Or been given the test where you see lots of black dots on a page and have to state an object you see. Perception is an ambiguous entity, and the perceiver's emotional, intellectual and even interpersonal skills is vital to how the information is understood. I love that analogy because it demonstrates just how much control our mental condition effects what we view as actual reality. From your original question and additional comments it seems as if you are afraid of her past resurfacing and you want to gain control or power over it to make sure it doesn't. Is she or are you in immediate danger? If not, then why make her past an exigency? The error is, if no danger exist you are perceiving a cat for a lion. Composing a plan for if her past or your past resurface is appropriate. However, obsessing over it is not.It is beautiful that you absolutely; totally trust her, and finding your soul mate is a treasure of life . Did your heart whisper...that's the one-when you saw her? If it did, then as another reader suggested it is time to free yourself of this obsessive behavior and pursue a healthy relationship with her. Since reading and surpressing these thoughts didn't work. Try journaling- noting your jealous thoughts when with her and reviewing them within a week to identity if your perception changed, answering and applying every how to deal with jealousy question (even starting with answering the questions I asked here), taking jealousy quizzes and applying quiz results to your life, and lastly not giving up. Genuinely, using the tips and advice offered here and overcoming this issue. It make take months or it may take weeks-to resolve your retroactive jealousy, but your soul mate is worth every hardship moment. Believe in yourself and you will overcome these obsessive thoughts and live a happier life with your soul mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone who's replied so far. I'd *love* to talk to a professional, but sadly that won't be something I can do, at least for a good while. To the asker of do I trust her? Absolutely. :)For the first time in a relationship, I have complete and total trust. For what can cause the issues, I suppose part of it is my strong moral background. Largely, though, it's because of the whole soul mate idea. It's an extremely close bond. I've fallen for people before whose pasts I knew, and it didn't bother me. I had no idea retroactive jealousy was even a thing until this relationship. Part of what makes it worse is that in her past she did things I am sort of grossed out by, and she had to compromise her own values to do them for someone who is total scum. That really stings. She regrets it and I sympathize with her completely. The irrational part of my mind, however, can't let it go. That, and the ever present realization that, "I will not be my soul mate's only one." I know it sounds crazy. I didn't even believe in soul mates until now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat would be great, unfortunately it's not an option. I've never been so torn. I creep closer to ending it, and I truly don't want to. As most here with RJ can tell, you really can't control it, and I hate it for ruining the best thing in my life.
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A
female
reader, Jessie Stars +, writes (22 May 2015):
You stated that you have retroactive jealousy, but have not listed any validations for your feelings. Has she given you a reason to be jealous? One key to a healthy relationship is not projecting the past into the present. Praise should be given to you for acknowledging you have a problem, but recognition should be given to you-only when you are able to process the onset of your jealousy. It concerns me that you have tried several solutions and none worked. This jealousy may not reside in this relationship, but within yourself. And can easily be transferred from one relationship to the other if your don't combat it soon. Perhaps it's time to dig deeper. Assess your childhood relationships with your parents/or caregivers. Did you have a secure attachment or insecure attachment with parents/caregivers ? Did you ever question your caregiver/or parents love for you as a child. Was the environment in your home loving and warm or resistant? Your retroactive jealousy may also stem from trust or security issues. Assessing yourself will give you some insight into these feelings. Are you dependable and reliable or irresponsible or vacillating? Try building your self esteem by reminding yourself of your positive traits as to why she is lucky to be with you. Identify what actions or characteristics you become jealous about, and communicate those with your partner. Together find counter thoughts or actions that will limit or eliminate those feelings. Face your fears and unbait your jealous before it becomes a distress medical condition. Try methods of pilates or yoga for a calm and serene feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): I know how you feel.It eats you up inside... slowly.You do all you can to push it away. But at the end of the day, it will always resurface no matter what you do. Some days will be better than others. One moment you will feel fine and put it away and in the next moment the worry comes back again. It can fluctuate many times even over the course of one day.It ruins you as a person and does take a toll on you emotionally, spiritually, physically. For me it became depression. And I started to withdraw and distance myself in an attempt to protect my heart and more than that, my very own sanity. The other person was not to blame. I was the one to blame for my own thoughts and worries.Eventually it will ruin your relationship with her.You can love somebody to the moon and back but you if you have your own issues which you cannot overcome, you will not be the committed, fully there partner she needs and deserves. You will always be holding a part of yourself back in fear of the unknown. Because of the jealousy and worry. It does consume you. But despite how much you worry, you cannot control others or life. Things happen as they may whether you worry or not. Hanging on only hurts you the most.Do you trust her?If not, this is a problem and would definitely be causing you worry and emotional turmoil.If you do trust her, then you need to let it be. Just live for the here and now. If it ain't broke, don't fix it as they say. Just let go and trust her. She won't hurt you if she loves you. You have to believe that.Just be happy that you have found your soul mate, somebody you love and loves you back. Not everyone is so lucky.Sometimes we go and create problems in our own heads which interfere with a perfectly good relationship and this will lead down the eventual road of terminating the relationship. Don't allow yourself to destroy the relationship by something that is entirely preventable.You have worries, RJ, all of that. You are the one who needs to get past it.Have you talked to your GF about it?Maybe you should. Be honest. She will want to help you get past it.But at the same time you need to take responsibility for your own self. I do think that you would benefit from talking to a professional and see where these worries are coming from. They are coming from somewhere and you need to find a way to deal with them before you lose her.You may feel a need to walk away just for relief of the worry. But you would be letting go of the woman you love in the process. Which is more important?Please find a therapist or counsellor to talk to. It will help a lot. Sometimes we need help and guidance to get us through. That's okay. You have begun on the right foot by admitting your problem and that you need help. Please find someone to talk to. This is step one. Step two is enjoying every moment with her. Being the man she deserves. And realizing that love is a very precious thing to share. Do all you can to protect that love.Good luck. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): You need to find a way to see someone professional about this. It's not healthy and for yourself and your relationship - even future relationships if this doest work out - you need to get help to control this.
You've done so much on your own, but clearly you're still struggling. Well done for taking the time to try the self help techniques it really shows you're aware this needs to change, even getting a few hours in a second job could help you afford the counselling and it wouldn't have to be forever.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 May 2015):
 You really do need some professional help with this. Work a second job if you have to because this may be problem with any partner you may have.
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