A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi cupid, me and my husband just got married and he said he love me, he wanted to buy a house and lot for me, cost 11thousand euro" is that all he can give to me? is that all how much he love me? shall i not complain and accept what he can give, even thought i know he can give more than that? am i worth only like that? i feel hurt, but i dont want him to know how i feel now, but i need somebody to give me some line to calm me down and try to learn to accept what is going on. by the way he dont give me money every month. i work by my self. please help
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (11 June 2008):
 I would agree with female anon.
Some girls have the liberty to choose the Western culture or
the Eastern traditional culture whenever it is advantageous to them.
In the traditional mode, a girl expects the men to be the
bread winner and to foot all the bills even if she is
working or earning more than him, unless in the circumstances when he cannot afford it.
She would not mind if he volunteers to pay her some
allowances as no one complains about having too much money.
When it comes to personal freedom , they will adopt the
Western culture and disregards the traditional norms of behaviours.
Girls today here are more liberated and emancipated but they
can be very infuriating to the men when they choose to act to their best advantage.
If you want to know how much is his love,
demand for his life or his head and if he chops it down for you , then he loves you 100%.
This is not pragmatic but metaphorically speaking only.
If you are not satisfied, you could pull your resources together to buy a better house.
Communicate your wants and needs to him ,
rather than keeping silent and torturing yourself.
He is not a mind reader.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I think your idea of "love" and the role of a man in a marriage is a bit either outdated or simply skewed. A guy doesn't have to show you how much you mean to him by how much he spends on you. The fact that he spends any money at all and tries to make an effort is enough. But you are taking his efforts for granted and saying its not enough...that's mean...your going to lose him if you don't change your attitude...
You should take any gift and every effort he makes, and be grateful for it...he doesn't have to do any of this...
The fact that he does, and he's trying is wonderful...just remember he doesn't have to do any of this for you...You are being very ungrateful...
And if you need money why don't you just ask him for it? Speak up. If he is making more money than you then SPEAK UP and talk to him about how you think you both should split your finances...I think that's a reasonable conversation...and I think that if one person is making more money than the other then I don't see anything wrong with that person helping out a little more...But you need to speak up BUT be fair about it...
But on the fact that he is offering you a house, that is so nice of him, and that is a gift he is giving you and for you to be ungrateful is just awful...It doesn't matter how much you think he can afford, you should be grateful he is giving you ANYTHING...
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 June 2008):
1 Euro = M$5.00 .
11,000 Euros = Rm55,000.00
It depends on where you live in Malaysia.
You can get a terrace or a link house in the rural or some sub urban areas.
You have not offered much information here.
Is your husband a foreigner or a Malaysian who works in E.U.
Are you residing in Malaysia or in E.U?
You have to asked yourself if you married him for money or for love?
You cannot equate love with material things .
That would make you a gold digger.
I am sorry you felt disappointed.
You could have asked for the 5C's , Condo , Car, Cash , Club
membership and Credit card before you married him.
Now that you are married to him and found him a miser,
there is nothing much you can do except if you want to divorce him .
Marriage is like a long journey where you both start to accumulate your assets.
If you had dream of a good start in life by marrying him, you were terribly disappointed.
Many women are still single and in their late 30's and looking for any eligible men to marry.
Count your blessings.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 We Latin Americans also have Western values, but in an excentric manner. We got our Western values from countries that were peculiarly European. Where I live, I have seen many marriages like the one the poster is describing: that is, between someone (man or woman) who comes from a rich country, and someone (man or woman) who comes from a poor country. Namely, the country where I live.
Sometimes, as I'm sure it happens elsewhere, people think of marriage as some sort of a business. Women in poorer countries are specially prone to do this, for simple reasons: marriages here are meant to last forever, and women are expected to be subjected to their husbands (before anybody starts screaming, I'm STATING THE FACTS, not saying that I agree with them). So, for a woman, marrying a man is like getting on a ship: you need to have a good ship and the right captain or you will sink. Many women in our countries think men are "good catches" if they don't drink and work, because that means they won't end up with a drunk who spends the family's money and doesn't contribute with anything but more and more children. Now, foreigners TEND to treat our women better and give them more. Women tend to think that they just got lucky by marrying one.
Men also fall prey to this way of thinking, too. They think that they, too, will get stuck with somebody, so she'd better have a fine body, bear many children, do all the housework (AGAIN, I'M STATING THE FACTS), and sleep with him whenever he wants to. Men from richer countries, by the way, also feel they are doing very good business: in the sincere and immortal words of one of them, "Latin American women tend to give more and demand much less".
You can see that this way of thinking, seeing relationships as some sort of "ship" and "business" has some truth to it, but is also stupid and produces a lot of unhappiness to all of us, men or women.
Maybe what the poster is saying is, I got married to this man who may not be rich in Europe but is rich here, I'm a good wife, and it turns out he's so tight he squeezes. Damn it! She might feel like she got on the wrong ship, with the wrong Captain.
Or, she just wants more money. That happens, too. Everywhere.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 I am sure that Collaroy is right. There are probably huge cultural differences. That's why we need to know more.
For example, you may feel that you've married a well-off foreign man, and that he should be able to give you a good life that would be the envy of your friends. Instead, he buys a cheap house and you've lost face in front of everyone.
From his point of view, he may feel he is showing great financial prudence by buying a modest home instead of a palatial mansion. He may be thinking ahead to the expense of raising children and making trips back to Europe. Western people often value frugality over face.
That's a clash of values that is difficult to overcome.
Again, please let us know more about your situation and your relationship. It's hard to judge just from what you've told us, considering that there are such big cultural differences. By discussing this in more detail we may be able to put our finger on some of the problems.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (10 June 2008):
 Hi,
I'm sure this is a cultural problem which we are all finding a bit hard to relate to. But you have to realise if you ask people with western values a question like this they are going to react rather negatively to a woman seeing herself as purely a possession of her husband. By quoting a figure that you think your husband puts on you is confirmation of this.
So it is really hard to advise on this, i would love to say that you are an individual with the right to make your own choices, but if you live in a very restrictive cultural environment this type of talk could simply get you in a whole heap of trouble. I would hate for that to happen.
maybe ask someone in your own culture for more practical advice to your situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (10 June 2008):
The other thing we forgot to ask is where are you two living? Are you in Malaysia together?
The fact that you are earning your own salary and that he doesn't give you money every month sounds like a rather strange financial arrangement for a husband and wife.
It almost sounds to me that you are afraid he is treating you as a mistress rather than a wife.
Again, we need more context.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Oldfool, I do worry about your morality sometimes, but in this case the advice you've given dose seem to fit the situation. Wives help their husbands, mistresses only want money. Seems simple enough to me.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (10 June 2008):
Are you a wife or a mistress? Worrying about how much a man gives you is the sign of a mistress.
If you are married, you are in it together. If 11,000 Euros (which sounds awfully cheap for a house) is a good bargain, you should be happy for the two of you that he got a good deal. The money he saved could be used on other things.
On the other hand, if the house he bought is a cheap and nasty little hut, and understandably feel that he's not seriously trying to provide a better life for his wife and his family.
At the moment we are rather short of context, though. Did you think that your white man would be rich, rich, rich, and you are disappointed that he's not rich at all? Or are you aware that he has 110,000 Euros in the bank, and he's being deliberately stingy? It's very hard to answer without knowing his circumstances, his reasoning, and your expectations.
It does seem, however, that the two of you have not sat down and done some financial planning together. If you are really husband and wife, you need to talk about these things. If you are a mistress, on the other hand, you should try and find out how much he's got and try to wring as much money out of him as possible.
...............................
A
male
reader, Samhamss  +, writes (10 June 2008):
I'm young but even I know that money should have no place in love, I'll be honest, that's a horrible thing to complain about.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Why aren't YOU buying HIM a house? Is your love for him equal to the monetary value of the gifts you've given him?
Or are you just confused by the emphasis your husband gave on the 11,000 euros? Maybe he's excited by the deal he got on a property?
Or if you want a better place, can you offer to contribute a sum of your own to the joint property?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I'm not sure about the traditions and customs of Malaysia. But you ask if your only worth 11,000 Euro's? This is a somewhat selfish question (to me in the UK) as it only values your marriage in monetary terms.
What are you bringing into this marriage? How much is your husband worth to you? If he said 11,000 Euro's, that's how much money he has. If he had more, he would give you more. You work for yourself, good, give your husband some of the money that you have and he will be able to buy you a better house. You will have self-respect because you will know that you and your husband both put everything you have into making this marriage work.
Marriage is a two way contract, help him and he will be able to give you more.
...............................
|
