A
female
age
41-50,
*mreallysorry
writes:i was having an affair with a married man for about 2 years. we were gonna move in together but then he said that he wanted to work on things with his wife and left me. not even a month later, he begged me to take him back, a few months after that i did. we moved in together about 7 months ago. im not gonna lie, i knew he was married but i did it anyway. he is still technically married (he says he cant afford a divorce right now)and has a 2 year old son that i love very much. things are going good, but i cant help but feel like i should talk to the wife to apologize or tell her my side of the story. what should i do? should i just leave her alone, or should i try talking to her?thanks,
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): What would be accomplished by talking to her...except maybe to soothe a guilty conscience. That's the only reason I can see you wanting to do this...for some form of redemption so you can feel good about yourself. This then would be all about you and nothing to do with her. You have done enough. So...No you do not talk to this woman-nor do you apologize-nor do you tell her your side of the story. She doesn't want to hear it. To be honest, in all likelihood, you will always be 'the other woman who destroyed this womans family and marriage", even though her own husband was just as responsible and is accountable for the pain he caused her, as well. Let her grieve her loss and you respect her privacy, her life and you leave her alone. Her husband made the decision to get involved with you, long before his marriage to her, was completely over. They had a child together, and I can imagine the sorrow and pain this woman must be feeling. I think If you had waited until his divorce was final, things would be different for all involved. But history can't be undone. That's the problem here. Watch yourself, you have a man there, that could very well do this to you someday!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Have you discussed this urge that you have to talk to his "wife" with your boyfriend at all?
If not, I suggest you do that before you even consider talking to his wife; you might just "rock" your little boat by doing so without his knowledge;
furthermore, I don't understand why you want to apologise to her and why you want to explain yourside of the story; do you have quilt feelings or is there something else troubling you?
As for the "cannot afford a divorce now"; could that be worrying you? It would have troubled me deeply!
I suggest you have a good talk to your boyfriend!
Goodluck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Whoops! Got carried away there - ignore the last three paragraphs! But not the first.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 I'd give her about five years to cool down first...
So, No, not a good idea. Put yourself in her shoes. She will eventually be civil with you for the sake of their son, but this relationship isn't based on friendship and I think that this would be like pouring salt into the wounds right now. Don't you think the apology would be a bit hollow considering that her husband lives with you now after the two of you had an affair that broke up her marriage? I'm not sure that any apology in the world would be good enough to heal that, Dear. Let it be. Time is a better healer in this situation, and if things went badly, you could make the situation much, much worse. Let him do all of the necessary talking right now.
I don't think Churchill, Mother Teresa or Gandhi would have the diplomacy necessary to tackle this with the right words either, frankly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): In a couple of words - not recommended. Unless you need a kick in the groin area.
Technically married? Blimey, that's a new definition of having it away with your mistress and your missus!
Why do I get the feeling that his wife knows nothing about your affair? I also get the feeling that she'd be the one doing the divorcing if she did. I could be wrong, of course, and she might be quite happy to leave things as they are in pursuit of security.
I think this state of affairs (if you'll forgive the pun - intended) is technically known as having your cake and eating it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Yuor apology would sound rather hollow. The most you can do is be good to her son, at some stage tell her that what she wants for her son is important to you and get tips from her about how you can help support her as his Mum.
Let your partner guide you and do most of the negotiating at the moment. Things can go very wrong at this stage if the ex decides to get revenge by preventing access to the children. Don't stir things up until the situation is clearer.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Despite the circumstances of how you and this married man have united, I would say that you either feel a strong sense of responsibility for the situation you three have been placed in, or your core moral sense is empathetic to this married woman. I think that is perhaps the admirable part of this situation.
That said, I really think that you should leave here alone. I suspect that there is nothing you could say to her that she either wants to hear or would listen to. You are the threat in her mind and there's little chance that she would see you as somebody that could offer an explanation or advise she'd want to hear. This would probably be best left to lie... at least for now. In the future, maybe but since these are fresh wounds, I don't think she'll hear your voice over her pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Leave her alone, you stole her husband. Yes he properly would have cheated on her with a diffrent woman if not you but that's not the point, even if she dosen't blame you and she really shouldn't anyway, she would still not care to talk to you. Leave it alone
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