A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, I hope someone can help. I met the most amazing man online around 4 months ago.......a little background tho, its long winded I know......He was engaged for 7 years, the relationship broke down which spiraled him into a dark depression. He moved in with a close friend and then discovered that the his ex and this friend were embarking on a relationship (which subsequently didn't last)Her moved in on his own and said that their entire group of friends turned their back on him....a yearlater he was offered a position in my city and we met a year after that. I can only try and imagine the pain that he must of felt - not only to loose the woman he was meant to marry but in essence his roots too.....these were friends from primary school days (I thought to myself that there must be more to this story than this)My history is that I am a single mum and my last relationship, also two years ago, was extremely painfull. A man much older who was going through a liquidation and the result was along time of emotional abuse and then financial, I lost my business as a result due to my emotional state and my backing him financially to help him get him back on his feet,....I walked away which was one of the hardest things I had to do because I loved him dearly but knew I would be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed......he used to do the most terrible things....I took a break from relationships to heal and have moved on, dealt with my baggage from it and was ready to move on with my life....I have not yet recovered financially and lost just about everything but have dealt with that too and am slowly building up my portfolio again. Im definately feeling empowered these days. I was ready to meet someone new and not being that impressed by the quality of men out there, felt safer to try Internet Dating.....I wasn't online very long when I met, in my current mind, the most amazing man I know....Knowing that I'm so much wiser, I was sceptical about the messages I was getting from most men (it was all a bunch on nonsense actually) but something about this man really touched me....we didn't delve into our histories just yet but spent three weeks having online conversations and getting to know one another....I can honestly say that we both felt a tremendous pull towards each otherl in love and it felt right that we met.....We hit it off better than we could dream of, we were open and honest, shared our past experiences, our fears and feelings all the time. We were so connected I even felt safe telling him of my current financial situation just that he could make an educated descision about our relationship. His response brought me too my knee's in that I felt totally accepted by him which was important. I was petrified of getting hurt because everyday we fell more and more in love with each other but we both decided to ride the wave and see where it took us.Over the following three months that followed, life was bliss. We spent all out free time together and he formed good relationships with my family whom I'm very close too (My sister, her fiance and myself share a big house so we can take care of my 18 year old brother as my mother is very mentally unstable) So the four of us and the children just worked so well, he formed a very close friendship with my brother inlaw, was talking business with my sister and from the second week of our meeting he stayed with us everynight....the children adored him and he really did the smallest most and some rather large meaningfull things for all of us.By the forth week we decided to take our relatioship to the next level with intimacy...I woke up the following morning with the most beautiful note next to my bed saying how he was going to marry me one day and the days that followed, addressed me with his surname.....I was for the first time in my life, truely and completely inlove and we both felt that all the hardships in our lives had pushed us to this point so that we could meet and spend the rest of our lives together....from my side I didn't feel caught up in the novelity of it (I questioned it in my mind all the time and came up with the same answer......this is sooo right) Months before I met him I wrote a list of the qualities I wanted in a man on a piece of paper, prayed about it and put it under my bed......He was the answer to all my prayers....There was a vacancy in one of our granny flats and my mother asked if she could move in, I was very reluctant but agreed for families sake and sat down with him and explained that she destroys things and she tries to break us down (the reason why I had distanced myself from her and was at peace with that descision - I was in no way ready for her to be in such close proximity to me)Everything fell apart, I fell apart and as a result he and I got into an argument over a silly thing and cracks began to show....I'm an Interior Designer and a large project had consumed a large chunk of my personal time, I thought he was fine hanging out with my brother in law and that our relationship was solid enough for him not to take it personally but he revolted stating I didn;t have time for him, I got mad and ended the relationship (a defence mechanism) I begged for him to come back and explained again that I was under a huge amount of pressure and just needed his support and understanding - nothing more. We reconciled, everything was back on track but it happened again.....two weeks later, another argument and I did it again............I realized that my behaviour, although at the time I thought it was right, I was scared was wrong and I practically got back down on my knee's (which is something I've never done) I promised him I would never leave him again and that I would be strong enough for both if us and that it was his turn to lean on someone. He took me back and we tried again but something was wrong...he wasn't the same, he was closed off, wasn't around very much and when he was he was distracted and distant.........I was very confused and hurt. We went from spending every night together to not seeing each other for a week.....My mother lost her self again and I said to my family that I couldn't live with her. She moved out two days later and I felt it best that I handled that by myself (our relationship was fragile and she was vicious - I felt it best to protect him)He got on a plane the next day to go home for his scheduled monthly visit and heard very little from him, no response to messages......Eventually the following week I asked him for his honesty and he told me that when I ended it he felt that old depressed state creeping back and taking hold of him, that he had made an appointment to see a therapist. He told me I made him very happy, that he would love me forever but couldn't give me what I needed right now and could only offer me friendship.... My world fell apart but I kept my composure and asked him if this was really wahat he wanted, he responded with no, but he doesn't know what else to do......I agreed to accept his descision, that I would wait for him and give him time. I Offered to return his things to him on the weekend....which I did but lost my strength, hugged him and left with out saying anything....He told me he hates what he's done, he feels wortless and apologized saying that he would never had logged on to the site......Since then I have been crushed.......I am so angry at myself for allowing external factors to mess with my mind and in turn mess with something that needed protection....Its been two weeks, I still have his key, he has mine and have offered to bring the rest of his things to him....but no response.....I haven't wanted to bother him, I've told him everything I can to reassure him and he's told me that he still loves me very much but since I last saw him its like he has severed ties with everyone that knows me and us........my brother in law, sister, house mate who works with him........My brother in law sent him a "hey buddy" email with general banter and nothing heavy....he hasn;t responded....I've tried to get in contact with him to see if he's just ok...Right now I am torn between letting him go because his actions, not his words, are the only thing I have to go on and they're saying that this is what he wants....And understanding that he's doing what he did with the last relationship.......cut ties and in turn cutting himself off from a lot of people that love him, care for him....I really want to just be there for him if I cant then perhaps have some clarity that he's over this.........he's lack of response I dont feel is adequate reasoning to walk away but also be that he's in a black hole and needs help to get out. I'm subsequently in therapy too just to ensure that my past with my business, relationships and mother can no longer intefere with the descisions I make...The people around me that know us and what we shared (some of them have said that they have never seen a love that we shared and that it was made in heaven) are just as baffled and cant offer advice....My head is telling me that I need to protect myself and walk away but my heart is telling me that I really dont want too and that I should just hold on...Very confused, but not about what I want and hurting terribly..Please can someone shed some light...be as harsh as you deem nessecary
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Indeed you have some serious issues to sort out. It is good to know that you are in counseling. You will benefit from it. I am also very happy to hear that he is attending counseling. What happened is very sad and very unfortunate. I think you need to give this guy some time. He is obviuosly deeply dissapointed by your action and after what he suffered in the past might be very worried that a long term relationship with you will mean hurt and trouble. Give it time, give him space. If he does not make any contact in a couple of weeks time contact him to arrange for his things or just send a text saying hi how are you. But for now, don't make contact.
If you have both been with counseling and are managing to overcome your problems maybe there is a chance that you can rekindle what you have had. That is something unfortunately only time will tell. For now you have to learn from your mistakes and concentrate on getting better.
It will not be easy but you need to be strong and concetrate on yourself and healing your wounds from past relationships. Once you have accomplished that you will be more ready to love and be loved. I do hope for you that things will work out.
Keep us updated.
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