A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 32 year old male, and I'm so unhappy in my marriage anymore. I married the wrong woman. I did. This lady has issues from her past that I thought I could handle, and I have for years. She was raped as a child, molested too (by strangers). Her parents didn't really give her the love and support I think somebody in her situation needed.So no surprise, she's now a mostly unhappy person. She looks for something wrong with everything. She hears "Alzheimer's" or "Parkinson's" on the TV and she has a bad rest of her day. When I try to talk to her like a grownup and reason with her (the typical male gender downfall) I get yelled at for it. She indulges in having hypersensitive temper tantrum fits (up to and including breaking things in her rage, kicking holes in walls, etc.) sometimes at random, but mostly when I try to calmly reason with her about trying not to have a bad rest of her day. Yeah, OK, simple right? Leave, divorce, separation, whatever. Here's the hard part(s). Number one: we're broke as a joke (along with everyone else). It's gotten to the point that we have had to settle (for less than the balance owed) with a bunch of creditors using money loaned from my parents. We're almost done, we've got a few more to go, but as it stands, I still can barely make bills. So if we divorce, I have no idea what will happen to all of us. Number two: we have a six year old daughter and a one-and-a-half-month-old daughter. If I'm being honest (and I am), I love the six year old more than life, but the 1.5 month old grates on my nerves (primarily owing to the new baby lack of sleep and fussiness thing). We had been talking about having another kid for years and we finally did it. We even went on state related medical help (Medicaid) to pay for the pregnancy and delivery because my self-employed health insurance doesn't pay for anything maternity related. Things used to be good, but the problem is they used to be good when I had all the credit cards to satisfy everyone's (including mine) case of the "gimmies." Now that we're broke -- well, let's just say everyone's true colors sure are showing. I'm just unhappy as hades. I work with my parents, I have an un-marketable English degree. I have no hope of getting out of it (so it seems) and things just keep getting worse. I look for more and more reasons to stay out of my house. I really do. And that's sad. Because that's another thing, my wife hates our house. She always talks about wanting a new one. New one?? I couldn't finance a pack of chewing gum right now. And it ain't like we've been saving money, we've been spending it all. I'm a mess. I'm in the mortgage industry. If you keep up with the news, it's going through it's own private hell right now. And literally (aside from my six year old daughter), the only bright spot I can look at in my life -- and this is awful -- is the fact that I have a $300k life insurance policy. So if I die, everyone wins. My wife gets the money and the house and some money after paying all the bills. And I get a one-way ticket to permanent relief. But my kids get crushed. Please help me. Please.
View related questions:
crush, divorce, her past, I work with, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): I am so sad for you. This is an increadibly disheartening situation.I (a female) suffer from a psycological disorder. Sometimes my anxiety can make me absolutely crazy. I totally freak out on things that do not warrant it. Granted, I had gotten to a point where I no longer hit my significant other or broke things (even though I did in my early 20's) because I broke the pattern that was established in me by my dysfunctional parents (we have been estranged for over 18 years).My poor husband has dealt with me during the good and bad times through the 9 years we have been together. In my own bad (psycho) times I have felt that divorce was the only answer to my agony because I honestly feel at those times that my husband is the source of my unhappiness.Instead of going away when actual stress is less, the disorder has only gotten worse with age (more responsiblities, kids, job, money, etc). For me it took medication (SSRI's ruin my sex drive, so I am on Wellbutrin) to get my anxiety under control enough that I can function, and I am currently in behavioral therapy to learn other ways to deal with my disorder when meds don't do the trick (they only help lessen the intensity, they are not a miracle pill). To make a long story short, it doesn't sound like your wife is just a bi*** or a drama queen. She sounds like she really has a medical problem. Yeah, it may be aggravated by her past (I was sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically abused growing up, too) but she can't "just grow up" or "get over it" if she is anything like me.I hope she will seek mental help up to and including meds. Your kids are going to be the next to suffer if she doesn't get this disordered behavior and thinking under control.If she refuses to get mental help, I believe you have to seriously think about getting out of the marriage. If you are actually thinking of commiting suicide to solve this problem THINGS ARE ALREADY OUT OF HAND.You both need counseling, pronto! But it sounds like she needs a lot more than you. There are sliding scales for her to receive counseling available. Check out the Yellow Pages, or google "cheap mental help therapy in *whatever city*. Hell, Kaiser or Blue Shield will give her meds even without counseling if she describes her symptoms.God help you both. I will pray for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Wow....thats tough. Times like this a positive attitude goes a long way and I also know how hard that is!
The wife: Yes she has past issues but thats no excuse for acting like an overgrown kid, sorry but its not. Her past is horrendous but life goes on, it has too. I think this may be a discussion that you have to have with her or write her a letter and leave it somewhere for her to find while you are at work. In the letter you need to be clear about the situation, the finances, her general approach to life, the way this effects you, how it really makes you feel and then round it off with how you want to try and make things work (if you do)but she needs to have some positive input too.
The money: Not sure how the USA deal with money problems but here in the UK, people that are struggling do have options (those that are bright enough to actually look into them) I am currently sorting my finances with a debt management company. Basically they contact your creditors (not including your mortgage) but credit cards, loans, store card companies etc and make arrangements for smaller payments to be paid. Then you pay the company an agreed amount amount and they divide that between your creditors. This means I now only have to find my mortgage payment, the monthly fee to the debt management company and my bills. Thankfully I am not in a huge amount of debt so it should all be paid off in a few years.Perhaps this is something you could look into? Also if there are any ways to make some money like selling some of the items you have bought, then you could pay some debt off that way. Just avoid more loans and credit cards....You have to learn to live within your means.
The children: With all the problems that were already in place perhaps your timing for another child was a bit out. I know that your fnding having the baby around difficult but try not to feel angry towards it....it didnt ask to be born into this situation and I think that the reason you feel the way you do is because of the timing....it was like the cherry on top of all your problems.
Finally, try not to avoid home but definately make time for yourself. Or even better take your older child out so you kill 2 birds with one stone, maybe it might hep if you tookboth children out for a walk to the park, tht way the wife will get a little time where she can reflect on the day and her attitude towards it - the kids will appreciate it too.
I really wish you all the best, let me know how you get on, especially with reasoning with the wife. Take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, Light  +, writes (25 April 2008):
First of all I have to say that I am so proud of you for doing and being the Husband and Father you are today, you really have not only changed your Daughters lives but you are and will change your wifes.
Here the problem with her - this women really sounds like me, I went through the same thing with my husband, and I'm still married to him for almost 9 years.
Stay strong because I know that you are strong, if you weren't you wouldn't be on this thing to begin with.
With regards to your wife my dear you need to lay out the rules and tell her other she gets help or she gets out, it's that simple. She will throw more tantrems, scream and cry, let her, then take pic's of her doing it, and then tell her that you will show her children when they grow up what kind of an example she was to them, and what kind of a wife they should not become for their husbands.
You need to show her your inner strength, that she cannot shake you....
She is doing all of this because she craves for attention, she needs to be shown that she craves attention.....
Then get take her to the hospitals of where there are really sick kids dying and who have no parents, and geth er to volunteer...... that will start to make a slow impact on her, then show her pictures of the dying kids in Africa - just look them up on Google / images.....
Then leave her notes telling her that you love her as a person, and you want her to succeed in life, you want both of you to succeed in life.
Be POSITIVE all the time, i know that it may be difficult at times however you must, Go for walks together when you see the same pattern coming along, change the environment.
As for you my dear you have a degree in bloody English that's fantastic, do you know how many Schools in the United Arab Emerites are looking for English Teachers..... If you like I can help you in possibly getting a job here, just send me your resume. my email is [email address blocked].
The schools here offer you an apartment for free, so you pay no monthly rent, they offer return airfares, they offer free medical insurance for your whole Family and on top of that your salary which would roughly be around 6 - 9000 Dhs, You can live like King and Queen here, plus having a maid, and you will still have money left over, enough to shop for food, and just pay house bills like water/elec, and phone, and the phone is free for local calls, and food is dead cheap here, you will be laughing, how do I know this, well I'm here thats how, and I was in a very simular place like I said above.
Well I think it is worth considering, and especially and solution to a problem....
either way, I hope things work out and getter better....
You are strong, so stay strong if not for yourself then for your kids....
Peace.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): You need to put your foot down and stop the things you know are wrong, like spending.
You need to be clear and precise when you speak to her.
Has she seen counseling? The state may offer help finacially. You need to protect your child the best you can from all of this.
Mental illness/issues are very difficult to deal with. Many professionals want to give drugs that I think do little for the patient. Physcology is not perfect.
You may not wish to publicize this, but Dr Phil show might be able to help if you both agree to appear. But you both need help if you both wish to survive and be happy.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 You really cant handle all of this on your own. Nobody could so I think you should see your doctor and ask to be referred to someone. It sounds like you're depressed and really, who wouldnt be with all of that on their plate?
Don't worry too much about money problems. I know thats easier said than done but bills go away. You just need to budget things and work through things slowly. Take a step back, take a deep breath and re-evaluate everything. You say you put a lot on your credit card, is it things you can sell on and make some of the money back? Does your wife understand the financial problems you're having? I'm thinking no if she's talking about a new house so you should try explaining to her that you guys are gonna have to scrimp and save for a while just til you get on top of things and get back on your feet. You really need to save as much as you can to get out of this hole and only spend money on necessities. If things are really desperate, you could consider declaring bankruptcy? Either way, money is not a real thing and bills and debt can be managed.
Your wife clearly needs help to come to terms with her past and it shouldnt fall on your shoulders to be her councillor/therapist. She needs to face her own demons head on so i also think she should see someone. She's had a tremendously hard life and shouldnt have to live it feeling the way i'm sure she feels so i think therapy and seeing someone to come to terms with everything would do her the world of good.
Your kids need you so try to stay strong for them and please seek help from the people who's job it is to provide it. You really shouldnt have to go through such a hard time on your own.
Take care
Brooke
xx
...............................
|
