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female
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anonymous
writes: Can anyone give me a perspective on my relationship? I was married at 19 after 2yrs engagement to a man the same age. He kept talking about what it would be like to have sex with someone else, and that he might be gay. He invited a friend round, quite innocently at first, then encouraged us to be 'friends' and said he fancied his 'friend'. Roll on a couple of years, I was waiting to training place to come up, and over a year I became closer to this 'friend' myself. All three ended up in bed, no sex, but it still made me feel sick. Roll on another year and my husband was moved away with his job and I stayed behind to finish my course and this 'friend' kept popping up and kept me company at a very lonely time. He was gentle and kind, but he didn't 'feel' right. I was missing my husband who by this time was divorcing me as he had met someone else whilst he was away. I was by this time 25 and wanted to have children and 'friend' seemed a good option, he loved me, but I still felt connected to my ex-husband who had remarried. I could not imagine meeting anyone 'nicer' so I relented and married whilst my new husband was made aware that I was not over the first husband, but he believed his love for me would win over. 25 years and three children later I am well over my first husband, but feel a great emptiness inside. I remember thinking, when the children were little, what would I do when they leave as I cannot face living with this man who has cared for me and supported me. Before you reply, I must just make a few further points against this pleasant man I am married to. 1. He makes love to me with a face in a grimace, jammed in the pillow. He has never been able to have sex normally and can only stay erect if he enters me from the rear. 2. Once, when our daughter was in bed with us at 2 years old, I noticed he was getting aroused and when I got the courage to check what was happening, he was masturbating her. When I asked what he was doing in disbelief, he said he did not realise it was her he was touching! 3. He has been suspicious and jealous of any friendships I have made, or courses I have done. He is cool to anyone I invite round to my home, ususally if there is a male partner involved. I have looked at his Internet searches and he has been looking at beast sex, and torture sex web sites, although he have never been cruel in way with me. He is virtually impotant, so he could not take such action anyway.Could all this history be affecting my emptiness now? This week we started sleeping seperately mainly because it just feels not right sleeping with him anymore. I am 55 and terrified of spending the rest of my life alone, yet I do not want to hurt him either. I am very confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): My goodness, you have endured a lot with both your first husband and your 2nd husband..two men, who's moral integrity, I deeply question, judging by your posting.
You marriage is irretrievable, broken and I think it's time for you to begin thinking of starting a happier life for yourself with your kids. You are empty and miserable with this man but you seem stuck on living life with some deeply ingrained life habits. Up to now, you did find ways to make your marriage bearable. because your kids became your coping mechanism. Having them at home in your life made it possible to endure life with your husband. They are what kept you from hitting bottom but you mention, the sexual abuse of your daughter. What price did she pay? I sure hope that was the only incident (this man should have had his butt kicked out when he did this to her-I'm sure you realize that now) You don't say how old your kids are, but if it's been 25 years, in this marriage-I'm guessing they are adults or close to being independent, self-sufficient people. So we know that your kids are not what keeping you from developing the passion, and the courage to change so that you can be happier. And even if your kids are younger, you can still change. You're married your husband with a list of reasons you thought added up to love. It was only a matter of time, before his list failed you. His sexual deviancies, sexual abuse of your daughter, his jealousies of your friendships, all that adds up to "one abusive, sick man". So don’t bash yourself over this. It appears your misplaced guilt & consciousness is preventing you from opening your mind to change. You must realize you will never change if you fear lonliness and you fear hurting this man. Your fears are controlling you. You can only change for your own sake and only when you face those fears, head on.
First of all, I suggest you begin seeking some individual counseling to learn how to deal with your fears. A good counselor will support and help you learn to believe in yourself. They will encourage you to occupy yourself enough & develop yourself enough to enable you to find the strength and courage to move on and get through the discomfort of living on your own. Hun, being alone is not such a bad thing..I've been there and I found it, the most self-gratifying growth experience, I ever had. I recommend you leave this horrible man and ride out the feelings of loneliness and you may find, you will come out a stronger woman, as a result. Why not fill your heart, your mind with postive stuff like fullfillment of other kinds. Such as career, education enhancement, love of your children, your friends and other trusting family.
I think you are at a crossroads in your life, dear. You have come to realize that perhaps you have been convincing yourself, that using your "unhappy marriage" with this man was a poor substitute for pretend contentment and all it did, was fill your heart up with emptiness. Face the truth. So many women fall into this trap. No one needs to be with a partner simply to validate their own life. Validate your own life without him! Remember we all create our experiences in life and we do have control over the choices we make and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. Make the best decsions for your well-being...it will take courage and hard work but it can be done. I wish you the best, dear. Stay strong and think about getting help to get yourself back on track.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): goodness me anyone who touches a child is not normal how can you still be with such a bad person
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