A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I feel kind of weird writing this but I have no one else to talk to and I seriously don't know what else to do. I am 20 years old and just got married Oct. 9th at a courthouse to the guy I was in AIT training all summer with (for the army.) He is active duty and I am not. I only knew him for about 4 months before we got married. During the summer, he was the best thing that ever happened to me, he was like my soul mate, we were truly happy and I hadn't felt that in years. I couldn't let that go, so he suggested the idea of getting married, although I hinted at it, too. Like I said, we got married Oct. 9th, I met his family and he met mine. My family absolutely loved him, and I know my mom wants this to work out for me, and for me to be happy more than anything. He is 23 and in the infantry, he got stationed across the country from where I live. I'm from a small town, I've never been away from my family before, or lived somewhere else. But I up and packed up everything in the back of my jeep, left my family and everything I knew, to be with him because I trusted him and knew he would be there for me. We drove across the country together a month ago from my home to the base out here, and during that drive is when he became a completely different person than who I knew this summer. Right before we left I was trying to hug and tell my mom bye, and all he could do was sit on the sofa, tap his foot, and say "we dont have all day." All he did was yell at me, put me down, because I wasn't driving good enough, or I let the tank get on E, and I was completely shocked because I had never seen him like this. I cried about 10 times just on the way out here. After we got out here we had to stay in a hotel for a week until our apartment was ready. I got the flu the first day of being out here, throwing up and not feeling good at all. He was feeling just fine, but all he did was tell me to make him something to eat, clean up, go get him this, go get him that- but when I asked if he could go get me some ice, he said "are you kidding me, no, im watching tv." On another occasion I heard him tell his friends on the phone the reason why he got married was because it was easier being in the army, and when one of his friends asked him if he was serious about me he said "yeah I guess we are." When I asked him what was up with that he said "my friends know I wouldn't of married you if I didn't love you." Anyway after that week in the hotel, I just felt completely used and worthless. I have to drive him to his base every morning because he doesn't have his license, in the vehicle my dad was nice enough to let us bring out here, and all I do is get yelled at how I turned the wrong way, or I'm not going fast enough, and that If I'm scared to drive on the interstate for the first time in my life i was told i was "such a child and so immature and a crybaby". Correct me if I'm wrong, but we just got married, isn't he suppose to comfort me and treat me like his WIFE? Now we are in our apartment, and of course I'm stuck cleaning up his messes that he honastly leaves around like a 5 year old, because he knows I will get it up. Today I didn't clean it up because I wanted him to appriciate when I do and he said "I cant believe you laid around all day and didn't clean up." He is so ungreatful and unappriciative. He then wonders why I cry all the time, or don't want to be all cheery with him when he switches from asshole mode to nice guy mode. Last night he all of a sudden went off about how he is sure I cheated on him with multiple guys while he was in infantry traning, basically implying in everyway I was a whore, and this came out of nowhere. I don't know anyone out here so I cant talk to them about it, and I cant dissapoint my family. This was kind of like my last chance to be happy. On a bigger note, we had a few grand in the bank, which we were going to use for food, gas, and a bed. we have been sleeping on the floor. He came home the other night and said he really "messed up" because he spent all that money, half of which was mine, at a casino. He lost every last dime we had. I should of left right then, but that's not what you do when you are married, you stick by that person no matter what and be there for them, which is exactly what I did. I just hugged him while he told me he didn't deserve me. After that night things got a little better for a week, as in him treating me better, but maybe that was just out of guilt. Yesterday things got really bad again. I cry because he hurts my feelings, he calls me an immature child, says im not an adult...cant he see I gave up everything to be out here with him? Last night he wrote me a messege on facebook saying he didn't see how we could work out because he is so unhappy and its not my fault, that he thought he loved me, but all we do is fight.I can't talk to my mom about it because she thinks he is so wonderful and that we are so happy. I can't even answer her phone calls anymore because I hate lying and faking it. I am not sugar coating any of this, its exactly how its been happening, and he is making me out to seem like I am the problem. I feel put down, degraded, and sick. I just don't think I can go through something else in my life like moving back home, getting a divorce, I feel like I've failed at my last attempt to do something right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNeed someone to talk to who has read this and is familiar with the situation..things got much, much worse. I stayed, didn't leave him, ended up being put in the hospital for 10 days (he didnt physically hurt me, I just finally mentally broke down) and I ended up making a mistake..."emotional affair" mistake..i needed to hear anything good from anyone bcause he had broke me so bad i wasnt even thinking straight.. this was in feb. he deployed in march, he forgave me but a week after being deployed said he couldnt forgive me and wanted a divorce. this went on for a few days then he changed his mind and said he wanted it to work with me. from april up until a week ago things were going good between us, i visited him for two weeks on his leave from iraq a month ago, he was telling me to get enrolled in college where he was comming back to be stationed, talking about saving money, telling me how much he loved me etc and then a week ago he said "i dont love you i cant forget what you did ill never forgive you i dont want to we are getting a divorce you dont exist to me leave me alone bye" out of nowhere.. we were doing good.. then he changed all his passwords to facebook, skype, email etc. . to really understand this situation you have to read the other long post i wrote back in november.. need feedback please thanks so much
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 You said:
Normally people don't say that stuff unless the other person does something horrible, and I know this is hard to believe, but I havn't done anything.
my 'partner' does exactly the same to me. i am beginning to think it is what weak men do when they don't know what to do and when they feel trapped.
i also, therefore, know totally how you feel. we also have a beautiful toddler together who adores us both and would miss him terribly. i understand why you can't leave. but from a fellow prisoner, if you have the courage, do it. i think it would be better for you. know it would. just have faith that once you are free, you will start to enjoy your freedom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know why I can't leave him... he even told me he hated me and he would pay me to leave... SO WHY CANT I? I know I deserve better than that... I just dont understand this, I havn't done anything to him, I think he has some kind of mental prob. to be able to say that stuff to me? Normally people don't say that stuff unless the other person does something horrible, and I know this is hard to believe, but I havn't done anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou all are so wonderful. Thank you so much for the advice. It's the little bit I needed to not feel so horrible. I truely thank everyone of you for responding, and so quickly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): You stick by your partner when you are married, yes, but why should you when your partner won't stick by you? He has been nothing but inconsiderate, nasty, uncaring and mean. Leave him, get a divorce, go home and be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I agree, I think you should leave him. I'm so sorry that you think this is your last chance for happiness; I don't think that's true, either. I'm almost 29 and I've never been married. You have so much ahead of you! It is going to be hard, because I believe marriage AND divorce is more than a piece of paper, and I think you do too, but you can do this! Plus, it sounds like you have a wonderful family to help you get through it, too. There is no reason for you to have to live the rest of your life this way. I bet when you tell your parents, they will want you to come home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I am stunned and shocked."I just hugged him while he told me he didn't deserve me." He is right, he does not deserve you. And you did not fail. You believed he was honest with you and true about his feelings. Now he's not sure about his feelings for you, and he didn't show who he truly was those 4 months before you got married.But believe this: you did not fail. You trusted him with your money. He used it all up. That is what shocked me the most. I can almost start crying for your sake, because he is a horrible man. You need to get away. I do not think you should be with this man. Yes you married him, and yes you are to stick together, but he is not sticking by you. He is not treating you as his wife, with respect, nor does he act up to the fact that he is married. He takes no responsibility. I see this leading to something very very bad, and it can only get worse.You need to go back home. You need to tell your mom the truth! Yes they like him. But that is NOT reason for you to stay with him. Yes you love him, but love is not enough to make things work and make you happy. You did what you could.You are 20. How on earth is this supposed to be your last chance of happiness? At your age I was engaged too, and the bastard I was engaged too skipped out on me, had a change of heart, and suddenly didn't know if he loved me or not. We were as close to getting married as me actually trying on wedding dresses, and I had an expensive ring and all. M mother also adored him. I never told my mother how he treated me, all the bad things that happened, and my mother still I think wanted him to be with me, because other boyfriend I got after him she never liked.But thats not my problem. And it's not your problem that your mother might get sad because you are not with this man. But your mother I am sure, would rather see you blissful and happy with a man, than hurt and broken down, sleeping on the floor because a man used all your savings. Even if she likes him, nothing justifies that. I have found love again, and I believe in love. I am 24 now, and I know for a fact that true love will come around to you again. It will hurt for a good while, but you WILL make it out alright.Call your mother. Tell her everything.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 November 2009):
I'm so sorry. He sounds like an impossible person to be with, and that SO isn't your fault - he wasn't like that before you got married. And how can it be your last chance? You have your whole life in front of you! Only start thinking about last chances when you get past 40 ... : )
Sweetie, you have got to pack everything up in that jeep of your dad's and drive home. Tell your parents you're on the way - they sound loving and great and they will be waiting for you and pick up the pieces and make you feel better. That's what you have to do. Be brave - do it. Every day will then get better. And divorce is nothing - a bit of silly paper. Don't worry about stuff like that.
And you have to start feeing angry with him and protecting yourself - what would you do if you were your own mother or sister? I'm guessing you would rescue yourself and get yourself out of there. Do it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 I think you need to steel yourself and call your mother. Tell her you have been unhappy since day one, and how he has changed. Tell her you might need some help getting out of this marriage, and that you would like to be able to come home until you can sort yourself out.
And then, get on a bus or a plane or whatever and leave.
This is what I would advise my daughter to do.
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