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*oesky
writes: In 1998 a girl invaded my life. Through neglect or simple laziness, I went out with her without complaining, even though she grated with me. She idolised me. Five years on and the relationship was still there, again through my laziness to tell her how I felt (that I could tolerate her, but not love). In a moment of 100-yards stare life appraisal, I realised I should either drop her or marry her. In weakness I married her. One year on from that she's expecting. Only now has my attraction to her utterly run out. Things are made worse by my attraction to another woman (not younger! but infinately more my soul-mate) and her attraction to me. Now I am left with a pregnant wife I don't love and another whom I worship. How can I resolve this?!? I appreciate it's all my fault - that just means it's all up to me to sort it out - laziness simply won't work...! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (28 August 2006):
 I am sorry to hear about your recent baby,i cannot imagine what you are going through, how are you right now? How is the situation with you wife? I sincerely hope that the two of you can work things out. I really do.
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male
reader, Boesky +, writes (12 August 2006):
Boesky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll not provide a response to the answers as it doesn't seem appropriate.My wife and I have just returned from hospital where she had to endure a 16 hour labour session to give birth to our 21 week old son. We discovered 4 days before that he had a rare genetic disorder that would have almost certainly have seen him stillborn if the pregnancy had gone to full term (in Decemeber). We therefore had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy. Whilst incredibly saddening, I appreciate this changed situation stil doesn't solve how I approach my life with my wife, however it s now just another straw on my back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2006): This is the most common scenario in the life of many married men. A new, more interesting honey comes into his life and suddenly...the married guy has a whole litany of problems with his marriage! So I have to ask...if your marriage is bad enough to end it now, it should've been bad enough to end without the new honey, coming into your life. Your laziness and self-centeredness is going to cause a lot of unecessary pain to your long suffering wife. Boy, do I feel empathy for her! Why have you been this incredibly cruel and selfish, all this time, and waited. Perhaps a year ago, 'before' your wife got pregnant, talks with your wife might have led to more amiable separation and both of you feeling your way back into the world of dating, while adjusting to the realities of divorce. To tell her 'now' what you have truely felt all this time will fall on deaf ear-- all she'll see is that you are strongly 'motivated' to leave her and your baby because of this other woman. Your wife will always feel there wasn't any issues between you two-she'll blame the other woman! She will always be hurt-she will be embittered and extremely contentious because she will always think feel you had your honey on standby to take her place. So don't expect a quick, friendly divorce...she will be pissed and I can't blame her. So dear, if you feel that life is boring and complacent now...just you wait to see what's going to come at you. Divorce is ugly. You will have your eyes opened up. And where will you be? You will be with your new woman, perhaps happier but with one little niggling doubt...you'll have a woman who thought 'nothing' of becoming involved with you, a married man. What does that tell you about her character?
We hear all your concerns, and the other woman, but not for your wife. I suggest you do not pursue this other relationship, before talking openly with your wife. Here is an opportunity for you to get on a responsible, honest, truthful path in your life. The first question to resolve is whether you and your wife love each other enough to remain married. If you don't want to come clean and end this marriage, then I think it is time for you decide... do I leave her or the other option... do I become the committed husband my wife and child will need? You did ask the question "do I split up, weeks before our child has the ability to bring us together?" . You at least owe it to her and your baby to give it a darn good try. Joint custody and child support are often ways for men not to take full responsibility for the babies that they make. $500.00 bucks a month and every other weekend does not a father make. Being a full time Dad requires grit, hard efforts and an 'unselfish' attitude. This woman is your wife she and this baby, are not simply tissues to be used and discarded. She is the mother of your child. If you want the best for your child, you will buckle down, mature and get your act together, to the point where you can love her and respect her because this is not just 'about you and what you want anymore, dear. It's about a new life-a child who will become the most important person-in your life. Start making a life plan to ensure your child has a happy future with 2 parents who love and respect each other.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (15 July 2006):
 Wow, I was straight with somebody and didn't get shouted at!!
Look Boesky - whatever you decide I hope and wish you all the very best. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes we have to do things that take us out of our comfort zone in order to reach that happiness.
Good luck
x
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (15 July 2006):
 "... she herself is quite "child-like" in her character which has probably meant I;ve been too paternal."
A successful marriage is supposed to be a relationship between equals. I can see an imbalance in your marriage that will lead you to resent your wife, if you don't already. But this imbalance results from your "paternal" attitude toward your wife. You may feel as if you are bound to care for an injured bird. The end result is that you don't respect your wife.
Once again, you are left with choices. In this case, if you choose to remain with your wife to raise your child, will you also choose to trust her ability to be a parent? This could be a very tough attitude change for you, and will happen over time. It is made all the tougher because you too will be finding your way as a parent. Maybe it is helpful to think of raising your child as the great equalizer in your relationship with your wife, assuming that neither of you has ever raised a child.
Good luck and take care.
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reader, Boesky +, writes (10 July 2006):
Boesky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thank you all so much for your honest and frank replies! I take all the body blows as I deserve them all. I would say I was a little desparate when I wrote the original question (I have since been emailing The Samaritans...) and "lazy" may have been a little bland - complacent means precisely the same thing and yet tempers it slightly. Unobservant attitude to love and life would be even more generous, but perhaps I don't deserve that.
Yos mentions the idea of a new life breathing new life into a relationship and certainly I am mindful of this. I did once love my wife and part of that love was built on our mutual love of children - do I split up, weeks before our child has the ability to bring us together? (That's not a new question!)
Wild Thaing suggests I am blaming others - in that past subconsciously maybe - but now I can see it all as my own doing, and that kills me. And yet I have always taken care - too much care! It wasn't so much laziness but too much care for my (younger) wife - she herself is quite "child-like" in her character which has probably meant I;ve been too paternal.
I would also like to asure Willywombat that my recent desires have not been thinking with my dick! (but thank youfor your frankness!). My original fantasies with the "other woman" have been entirely romantic and life-spanning - walks in the park, tearful speeches at weddings (nothing like my own) and true joy at each other's company - not just sex! But i appreciate every man has some element of dick-thought... x
I can respond to others' comments but, my wife's "a littel bored" of my typing, so I shall bid you a little farewell for the moment.
Thank you all for you help so far...
xxxx
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (8 July 2006):
My friend I have two words, Oh and Dear.
What a mess, why oh why would you marry someone you dont love. You have done this woman no favours, you have allowed her to become attached to you, and now you are bound to here for LIFE not because you are married but becaue you have or are about to have a child together.
I wouldnt call it neglect or laziness, I would call it stupidity. I am not insulting you, but thats the simple truth. Its foolishness and folly, marrying someone for the sake of it. Only you know in your heart of hearts what is the right and decent hting to do. xXx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2006): Hi. It's going to be far worse for your child to grow up in a relationship where the parents don't love each other, than for you to be separated and both loving towards your child. If you stay together your child will believe that this is normal for a relationship, and could affect her future relationships. Also, it's not fair on you, your wife or your soulmate for you to stay together. You only have one life (and so do they) so why waste it with someone you don't love? As long as you look after and support your child, then there should be no problem!
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 July 2006):
 You never loved her; you don't love her now. The fact that she's expecting your child doesn't seem to have softened those facts.
I'd say cut to the chase. Seriously. Let her know that you're sorry, but it wasn't working for you and you want to separate.
As Yos said, you've avoided all the hard duties of the last five years; now it's time to cop it.
Be sure that you speak to a legal advisor about your rights and responsibilities to your child. You must absolutely get to know, and be willing to care for your own flesh-and-blood child. You're not *that* lazy, I hope.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (7 July 2006):
I can totally understand how you did this. And I have every sympathy.
It is sometimes easier to settle for the safety of what we know, and we forget that passion does exsist and that love is a two way street. We can settle for what we see as safe and slide into middle age without giving it a second thought.
If you really do not love your wife, and this is not just cold feet at the impending birth of you child or because of a new lust/passion that you feel for this other person then you need to make some decisions and damn fast!
Are you going to hurt your wife and tell her of your feeling now or after the birth of your child? Which would be better (neither I would say, but then two parents together who don't love each other is equally devastating for a child) for you all.
Sit down and look closely at your feelings. Do NOT think *with your dick*. Make sure before you leap you have salvaged all you can from your marriage. Then do her the courtesey of leaving her so she can get back her dignity and be a good parent.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (7 July 2006):
If you followed your instinct from the start, you would not have made the choices that you did. Now, these choices are in the past. They have been made, and look where you are now.
I am not here to tell you what you want to hear. You now have more choices to make. You can choose a new attitude in which you find the strength to take responsibility for your choices. Or you can continue to be "lazy", blame others for your choices, abdicate your responsibilities, and cause damage to the lives of your wife and your child.
In short, your choices determine actions that either make you a decent person or show you to be a selfish jerk. Good luck and take care.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 Any woman reading this will likely be mortified beyond belief. Yet probably most men will be thinking "well that's bad, but I can see how it could happen".
You deserve your predicament frankly. If you leave now, not only will your wife suffer, but so will your child. By taking the easy way out for so long you now have to take the really really hard way out... all that hard stuff has been saved up for one big bang.
At the end of the day it's your choice. What i will say is that sometimes the arrival of a child breaths new life into a relationship: that a couple finds a new connection to each other through the child. Do you want to leave your wife now, only to find that in a couple of years your desire to be with your child outweighs your desire not to be with her? Then you will have to leave this other woman and beg for your ex-wife to take you back. Consider the long term consequences of your decision...
Whatever happens, you need to get that procrastination problem looked at. Seriously. You are exhibiting some of the worst male avoidance behaviour, and are a liability to the women of this World until you get over it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): Your not the first person to do this and you wont be the last. Marriage is not the end of the road nor should it be. You may feel attracted to this person because you have a close relationship with them. Find it in yourself and do what you think is right, does the other woman feel the same way? Have you discussed it with her? Follow your heart and your head then you can not go wrong.
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