A
female
age
41-50,
*occ
writes:I am married for 11 years now, and my husband doesn't work, he works on his own art which is good but makes little or no money. He is dependent on me for 10 years now. He has many issues like he cannot talk to people who are in a respectable jobs as he is not earning. We had a kid and he helps less in bringing up the kid. I do all the pick up and drop off at nursery/school and rush to work and back home. I tried pushing him to do more work at home,which he does it for a couple of days and starts to mourn and make me do the work. I argue with my husband almost all days. Many of friends are surprised I am still with him.I used to be really stressed being the bread winner and taking care of the kid, as a result I started liking my office mate 4 years ago. Something clicked between us our eyes search for each other all the time. In the beginning he was in a relationship I realized its not good to ask him. Also I didn't want to continue as I have a kid who might need his daddy. Then it became that I really started liking him and now I truely love him. I know he loves me too and avoids me a lot these days, tries not to talk to me other than to say hi. Nothing has happened so far, but every day I think of him. I don't know if I must ask him. He is single now but I am sure he is looking for other girls, and that makes me even worse the fact that he is looking for other girls. My only fear is I have a child and he will miss his daddy, i.e my husband. What is the best thing to do?
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female
reader, rocc +, writes (5 October 2012):
rocc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWriting this as a feedback as what happened to me after a year. It was nice receiving advise fom you all. Thank you all.
I did try to stay on with my relationship after this message for a year, asked my husband (now ex) to help me at home and be committed even though he didn't want to take any job. He said he would split up if he needs to take a job which shook me up. I found my husband (now separated) was doing many things behind my back and I found a big can of worms. One thing lead to another and I decided to split up.
As far as my friend at work he found another young girl at work, good for him. Sometimes i feel bad why I didn't ask or even talk to him. But I think we both never had the urge to continue even though we liked each other a lot. My brain can understand all this but heart sometimes can't.
After all this am lot relived now than when i was in my marraige. Some days I am fine some days I feel sad. I feel a bit depressed and when I think why this all happened with my marriage I feel low.
Would be happy to get any advise to feel better.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry you couldn't read my answer..
Mainly what I said is that you're a wonderful person, wife, mom. I respect you for being so strong for your family. You're a career mom, smart yet have a beautiful heart.
I admire your principals, wondering about co-worker is only normal, you're human.
How you feel is very reasonable, I don't see as you're complainning. Its only fair to expect help from your husband around the house & raising your child together.
As I see you already made up your mind & I am glad you decided to stay with your family. I just want you to know that you're right about how your're feeling, everything you said make sense & you're not asking too much from your husband.
Be strong, positive, pleasant around your husband & I am sure he'll come around, this way I think he would want to do things for you on his own.I am sure he knows, but He'll realize more what an amazing wife you're & he'll come to his senses.maybe approach him once again in a positive way & let him do his job, I believe if you keep nagging, pressuring, it would only make things worst.
Best luck to you & your family!
Keep us know how things go...
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A
female
reader, rocc +, writes (28 March 2011):
rocc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the one who posted this question as per the answer to LoveGirl, I have supported my husband fully and totally for 11 years. He is well educated and knows more than me. I have no financial problems as my salary is enough to support the whole family, but the fact that I had to do all the work i.e mainly house work, and taking care of my kids drop off and pick up, puts me totally down after 10 years having done all that. Not only that, he not working at all cannot deal with other people who are earning. He enters into an argument easily with my friends and my siblings and his own brother-in-law. The point is not financial here the I get very less help at home from him. I felt he is very very lazy and is confident that I wont leave him because I have my own principles an he can get away with it. As per the guy whom I like at work I am not too very keen even though grass may be greener and I love him. It looks like I have to stop thinking of my work mate and start thinking of my happiness. What I am trying to work out is is it worth having such marriage principles when I feel I am being exploited.
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A
female
reader, rocc +, writes (27 March 2011):
rocc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant see the answerfromchick pea2011 even though I got an alert.Yes it is helpful, I am trying to move out of my marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): So many women fall into the same trap as u:U earn the dough and u think u can 'control' the man.Listen, I earn more than my hb. I have tertiary qualifications he doesn't. I am a professional, his industry isn't. So do I think I wear the pants. Am I the 'head' of the household? More importantly am I ashamed of my hb, bec this is what u are.You are ashamed of your hb. You have no respect for him. So do yourself and him a favour and get a divorce. Then hook up with your work friend. will the grass be greener?A persons worth is not the salary he/she earns at the end of the day. Maybe u need to realise this first.stop devaluing your hb in front of your friends. You may think that u are superior to your hb but you are not.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (27 March 2011):
Hi,
My question? Do you still love your husband? Can you see yourself being with him for the rest of your life? 10 years is a long time & I don't think your husband will change his life style.
Its your decision.
1) Be with your husband & live the rest of your life as its.
2) If you're not happy, then you need to ask for time or even divorce. I understand the guilt you feel for you child, but its your life. If your're not happy, then your child will not have a happy life.
3) I believe you need to talk to your husband once again, tell him that you're not happy, need him to help financially, around the house & caring for your child.
As for the "office man"? Why not? You deserve to be happy!!! But, you need to clear things between you & your husband before having this new man in your life. I think you're an amazing woman, great mom, you deserve to be happy!!!
Good luck with your decision & your future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2011):
 The best thing to do is to NOT start something new before you finished with the old. Which mean, I think you should figure out what you want to do about your marriage and your future. Don't have an affair because you are not happy in your marriage. If the marriage is that bad, end it. THEN you can move on to greener pastures.
You husband will still be your son's Dad, whether you live together or not.
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