A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've made my mum hate me and I don't know what to do.It started just over a year ago when I started seeing a guy who is 11 years older than me. I was 18 at the time. I was scared to tell my parents as I had seen their reaction when my sister moved in with a older man so I kept it a secret and said I was going to friends houses but one night they found out where I really was and my mum especially went mental! She said I knew how much my sister hurt them and was just doing exactly the same but I couldn't get her to see that the reason I didnt tell them was because of how much my sister hurt them! She kept saying it wasnt what my sister did it was the lies she told but i dont believe that their reaction would have been any different had me, or my sister, told them straight away. So we didnt speak for ages (my dad was different and I have got alot of respect for him as he has fogiven me completely and moved on) they have never met my boyfriend. At the moment my boyfriend is in india working and asked me to go out for a holiday, I have never travelled alone before but I really want to go so sent off to renew my passport then tried to think of a way to tell my parents about it. I expected my passport to take about 2 weeks to come so thought I had plenty of time to sit my parents down and discuss it before it arrived, however my passport arrived in 3 days and my mum had to sign for it while I was at work so when I got in today I had to explain it all and now she thinks that I am lying again. I know I was stupid and should have told them before sending off for it, or at least the day I did it but I just wanted to get it sent off quickly and then pluck up the courage to mention it to my mum. Now I cant get her to see that I wasnt trying to be sneaky and do things behind her back but just that, like when I first got with my boyfriend, I was worried what her reaction would be. We had a big argument tonight and my mum has said that she will never be close to me again and as far as she is concerned I am just someone who lives in the same house! It has upset me so much because I could tell it wasnt just a heat of the moment thing and the last thing I wanted to do was cause more trouble, we had just started to build a relationship again after last year, so now I just don't know what to do. Sorry it's long but i felt I needed to tell the whole story.
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female
reader, kathy255  +, writes (13 February 2009):
I understand that you don't want your mom to be upset but you are an adult and you don't have to explain anything to your mom its none of her business. If you like this guy go for it 11 years is not a big deal. It's your life she can not tell you what to do. She will always love you. It is not like you killed someone you started dating a guy who is older. Not that big of a deal. Your mom is mad because you did not tell her about your boyfriend. There comes a time in your life when you have to cut the cord and not worry about what your mom thinks about your life. I just don't understand why it matters to her so much that she did not know. Is she that controling? Do what you want.
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (13 February 2009):
 Oh dear! I can tell it really hurts that your mom doesn't trust you anymore!
I hope you can see that it is your own behavior that's gotten you into this fix. You don't want to disappoint her, so you avoid telling her. And then it blows up in your face.
So from now on, be as up-front with her as you can be. Eventually she will see that you're an honest person who wants to do the right thing.
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