A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy a year ago.He turned out to be from my old school in my homecountry before the war occured, but we just never met although he was infront of me the whole time. We both lived a traumatizing war, but the effects of it made him become bipolar.I never knew him back then. We just happened to meet at the same country we migrated to.We share many similarities and are both artists and understand eachother very well. We started talking daily.He fell inlove with me. He's an actor,producer, writer, and is really successful and he has a this huge self confidence and charisma that attracts just anyone although he's not that handsome. He works multiple jobs while I'm broke,18 and depending on my parent's money and can't always go out because of my protective mother. He's 25 and lives alone and is a free human,and an independant one.We started falling inlove with eachother,but he loved me more and donr so much for me he used to postpone his important meetings just to see me in secret for atleast an hour, he cried nights over me, he got drunk he had sex with women to get over me, I killed his soul while I was out there having my freedom not wanting to get in a relationship with him because of my circumstances and cause I wasn't ready. He never told me how much he suffered but I saw it, he never done stuff for me just to say he did and prove he loves me.He told me he'd wait for me to become ready for dating him.At that time I didn't want to date him because of my circumstances and cause I wanted to experience life more. I started college and started making out with men I don't like just to run away from my feelings for him cause I didn't want responsibilities. I've been singlr for 5 years after an abusive relationship. I just wasn't ready and had those ideas of freedom while I was telling him i'm sleeping with men and he was dying from jealousy but just couldn't tell me back then. We both were with different people, I was with others cause i'm not ready. But he was with other people cause he loved me and wanted to forget me. 4 months passed by, I was neglecting him a bit and stopped texting daily cause I was lost and stressed from college and from my lies to hangout with different men and "experience".But I did love him. Then one day came and he told me he met my classmate from school and is dating her. She's and independent and powerfull girl but is a bad person cause she hurt many. She's not trustworthy,and he doesn't even trust her. She and I are both wise and share similarities when we talk with eachother, and we so understand eachother but we were just never close friends and each one of us was with a different group. But her group was formed of her boyfriend and bestfriend. And they hurt many people. All my friends hated her but I just never did although she's bad sometimes but I can't hate people.He told me everything they do together and how much she sacrifices for him and how she cheated on her boyfriend to be with him, introduced him to her family and friends, and done so much for him. She's a controle freak and always tries to act like a grown up woman, they are both perfect for eachother. And she gives him more than I can ever give him. None of our friends knew she and her boyfriend broke up because she'd never tell for her own reputation and since everyone thought they'd last. I knew everything but could never tell anyone inorder not to hurt her and hurt myself by losing his trust.Although I'm really jealous but I just couldn't revenge and hurt her by telling people she cheated and now is dating my lover. Some days passed by and she noticed his love for me and asked him what we were and he said we loved eachother. She became jealous and told him not to text me again. So now he texts me secretly because he can't give up on me. One day, her boyfriend knew the reason she left him, he knew she cheated. So she blamed me although I never told anyone. And he started speculating me.She and I never text but he tells me that she blames me and is jealous. Few weeks ago I was a prom date to my friend and it was her brother's graduation and most of my friend's siblings graduation. We happened to meet and sit beside eachother and act as if we miss eachother when the hate is bursting out from her eyes. The tension was severe between us we even danced together and acted nicely while it actually seemed like a competition. We never faced eachother. But we both knew what was going on. She just never knew he still loves me and talks to me and we see eachother and everything. She never even knew that I knew everything. She acts so confident that she has him for her and thinks he loves her when he doesn't. Although she annoys me by her over confidence but I just can't say a word. I know you all might be asking why I allow myself to be in such a situation. The reason is the guy waited for me for almost a year and had given so much for me while I was neglecting him. We were both living our lives and meeting people although we still saw eachother. Untill the day he met her and she's not just any girl. She gave him so much and showed seriousness he can't just leave her for me! After he told me they're dating I became super jealous and gave up on my thoughts of freedom and realized why living my freedom alone while I can do it with the one I love? I decided to finally be with him and be committed. But I was too late to realise that and finally show him the love he deserves. He has the right not to leave her because why did I decide to be with him just right when I knew he's with her?! At the same time I can't blame myself cause I was lost and stressed. Also, I did knew i'm gonna end up with him. I knew i'll date him but I just needed time. But somehow they met and he can't just leave someone who've given him so much for someone who gave him nothing. He loved me and still does. We still see eachother and talk in secret but we've been fighting alot recently over her. I put pressure on him and tell him "if you really love me you'd breakup with her although it's hard" I give him bipolar outburts I stressed him so much recently. He's lost he doesn't know what to do. He's not completely innocent btw. Everytime I doubt his feelings I gain my trust for him again because of what he still does to be with me. He never uses me as a sidechick or just sleeps with me. I'm never a second choice or a first choice. I'm the only choice. I always stand up for myself and pride just not to let him control me and live by dating two girls thinking i'm an easy one and could be manipulated into becoming a sidechick. He never does that to me. I recently started showing him more love and sacrificed so much for him and told him i'll be with him. He's just not leaving her. And i'm worried he'd end up loving her. It is easy to love her at this point. They're so happy together and she's very committed. He just still can't forget what I did to him in order to trust me again and be with me. He's a control freak and she is aswell. Now she's under his control and his stupid sexist side is satisfied with her. His narcissisim is satified especially that he made a feminist be under his control and give so much to him. I now get to the point I defend her. And sometimes I help them and give advices to him. I just don't know whether to be patient and wait for him just like he waited for me or defend myself cause i'm not at wrong. He's a bipolar and doesn't trust people he doesn't know currently what he's doing he doesn't know his goal from being with her right now. I always ask him. Sometimes he seems like he knows what he's doing and tells me he'll breakup with her eventually cause he knows someday we'll end up together. And sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't know what he's doing and that he's inlove with both. Can someone really be inlove with both!? Recently he's been developing feelings for her which is natural since they're 24 hours together and she gives him so much.Sometimes I think he has those feelings for her because of his own satisfaction and narcissism in their relationship. But recently i've been feeling like it's more than just that. But at the same time I see the love in his eyes for me and the pain.I'm scared he'll love her and sometimes I feel guilty for that cause I should trust and know by now how much he loves me. Recently he's really confusing. One day he's cold and says mean things and that he's starting to love her and he tends to make me jealous. And another day he's obviously inlove with only me. He's even confused. I'm confused. And she might be even cheating btw lol! I told him yesterday that your feelings for her might be because you're jealous she might like someone more than you. I told him that his over self esteem is what makes him develop this jealousy. When you love someone you get jealous over him/her, not jealous of the person he's/she's with.When he's with me he's jealous over me.Everything has been confusing. It's not easy for him to leave her. It's not easy for me to leave him. It's not easy for him if she really loves him as it seems.Him and I aren't dating but we're inlove. He tells me that I need to have patience just like he did. We argue day and night we both at times feel guilty and at times defend ourselves and prides. He's not manipulating me and I don't want him just cause he's with her. We both now are lost and confused from our feelings. But we just know we'll end up together. We can't seem to get away from eachother although we've tried at the first 20 days of knowing eachother. That day we met for the first time in real life and decided it would be the last cause we're falling deeply and our lives are different. My life is still different and her life is similar to his. Everything is perfect to them except the fact we love eachother. We just don't know what to do and recently i'm scared he'd stop loving me.To the point I came here to vent out not just to ask a question I know what the most answers of it would be. I have many people to vent out for but I just don't want anyone to know. I just don't know what to do. I know that our relationship has been recently toxic and I know the saying " if you love two people at the same time,choose thr second. Cause if you really loved the first,you wouldn't have fallen for the second." Trust me I know everything and I've been experienced with a narcissistic man before and I just never take advices on relationships instead, I give advices. And I know the difference between manipulation and love. I know the difference between a sidechick and a lover. I just don't know how to solve my own problem this time. I just want new mind opening advices that would at least make me know where I stand right now in this situation and what should I do. Although I always ask him and at times I have hope and at other times I give up. All I know right now is that I love him and don't wanna give up on this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 July 2019):
 I think you are being unrealistic. 100% Mostly because you are young and have little REAL experience with adult relationship.
NO ONE is going to sit on a shelf and WAIT for you to be ready to date.
NO ONE should put their LIVES on hold for you, and you shouldn't put yours on hold for someone else.
Life is there to live. NOT wait around for some lofty fantasy.
HE is WITH someone, which means you need to back away. YOU wouldn't like it if someone other girl PURSUED YOUR BF like that.
He is with her because he CARES about her, not just because she has "given" him so much.
YOU keep comparing her and yourself. He didn't "pick" her because he LOVES you so much. He picked her because there was chemistry, attraction and maybe more.
IF he wasn't HAPPY with her, he wouldn't BE with her. OK? They aren't married so he doesn't HAVE the same obligations to STAY with her, as he would a wife.
LET him go. BLOCK all contact and stop butting into his life. you are trying to sow chaos in his relationship, telling him all kind of babble.
BEING jealous has NOTHING to do with love.
YOU can leave him, it IS easy, you just DON'T want to. You want this guy because you have decided that HE is the one for you. But I can tell you this, ANY guy who talks to other girls behind his GF's back IS NOT a keeper and he WILL do the same to you. He is telling you all kind of crap about his GF - because he WANTS you to stick around to boost his ego. That isn't love either.
FOCUS on you. Set some goals. Future, career, travel, work, whatnot.
YOU are being manipulated. Seriously, getting drunk and having sex with other women is NOT done because he loves you. he does that because he CAN and WANTED to.
You need to let him go and grow up. Get your head out of fantasy land.
KNOW that you DESERVE more. Not some sloppy leftovers from another woman.
Do unto others, as you would have the do to you. So don't go chasing after someone else's guy... if you don't want other women to chase after yours. Have some self-respect and pride.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): He's an unstable adult and you're a teenager. You don't know it yet but you are better off without him. He's a creep for even considering dating you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 July 2019):
 Wow! Congratulations on posting what must surely be the longest post on this site. Ever. It's like a journal to try to make sense of what is going on. I hope it helped you to write it all down. I have to confess that I read it in two installments, as I got weary part way through.
My answer will be a lot shorter than your post. I think this is a classic case of "shit or get off the pot" - for both you and this guy. This is also a classic lesson not to put people on a back burner because life goes on and things happen, as you have discovered.
You say you knew you would end up with him, but you didn't really make much effort until he found someone else, when he suddenly became ALL you wanted. While he was professing undying love, you were keeping your distance. Now that he has found someone else, you can't live without him. If I sound cynical, it is for good reason.
A lot of what you write is like a script for some tragic romantic film. Stuff like "I killed his soul while I was out there having my freedom" just shows your over-dramatic teenage temperament. You haven't killed his soul at all. You may like to think you have because it's an ego boost for you. It's all very dramatic and artistic. Yes, he may have been hurt, but he has obviously got over it as he is now with this other lady who is not messing him about like you did. Why SHOULD he give up someone who has given him everything from the start and is sure of what she wants for someone who wouldn't commit to him and didn't know what she wanted?
How long are you going to stay in this three-way relationship? This guy needs to make a decision: you or his new lady friend. Then he needs to cut ties with the other person.
In your shoes I would walk away NOW before wasting more time. This could go on for years and he could STILL choose HER. Next time you find someone you want to be with, don't mess them about or put them aside "for later". I fear you have probably missed the boat with this one.
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