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female
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*nnacoolgirl
writes: Me and my boyfriend have been together for i would say 6 months. It feels longer than that though because we were basically dating before but he just never asked me out. My mom let my boyfriends brother stay at our house because he got kicked out. everybody was partying at my house and i hardly ever do. one night i drank a whole bottle of vodka to myself. my boyfriends brother tried to make a move on me and i told him no after that i blacked out. The next day when i woke up my boyfreinds brother and his friend were saying ha ha we had sex we had sex. i didnt believe them so i ignored the comment and didnt tell my boyfriend. well my boyfriend just found out a few days ago and apparently it did happen. i am extremely ashamed for what i have done and i wish i could change it. i love my boyfriend with all my heart and if i lost him i would lose my life. we didnt breakup but we are tryin gto work this through but this incident is haunting my boyfriend. he says he still loves me and when i saw him yesterday he held my hand and we talked a little but we had very little time to talk. when i talked to him on the phone he lost it and started crying. he told me it would not stop haunting him. i hate myself for what has happend. he still loves me and he loves me endlessly but we are having a hard time working all this through. how do we stay strong through this when we want to work this out? we were living together than some other personal stuff happend and we have been separated. i just dont want to lose the love of my life. we both want to stay together and i told him i understand he has no more trust for me after what ive done. i tol dhim the only way for me to prove myself loyal is to give me a 2nd chance and some time. i told him time heals all wounds. he is afraid and i am afraid that i will lose him. how do i deal with all this. somebody please help me. im tired of crying and i cant bear the fact that i hurt him and i dont want him to cry anymore. please help me. ilove him way to much and have known him for a long time but just started dating 6 months ago. when we met a year in ahalf ago it was love at first sight and have felt this way for each other since we met. how can handle this and reassure him that he can give me a 2nd chance and how can i earn my trust back?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2006): Dear friend,
Listen to me. You did nothing wrong -- YOU WERE RAPED!
Call the police, and get counseling immediately. Dump
the boyfriend pronto if you have to.
Concerned guy
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2006): After an event like that im sorry to say...Your mistake will never leave his mind..its will always hurt him..Im sorry this happend to you ..But its your fault for drinking to much...If i was your Boyfriend i would leave you because it would hurt me to much every time i'd look at you..I'd want to personally forget about you...bottom line you shouldnt get wasted...and thats something that you guys should have put in your relationship trusts..and again im very sorry for what happend to you ..but its all your fault
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A
female
reader, DrumMeOver +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Sweetheart...forget what Martini has said. It's going to be hard dealing with this... but confide in your mother. She's letting this person live under the same roof as you, and she has the power to kick him the Hell out. You're not safe around him. You're not safe around his friends, either. It's hard admitting to yourself that you were once a victim, but by letting him get to you and by letting him break you and your boyfriend up, you are remaining a victim. By not telling someone of authority what he did to you, and by keeping him safe and able to do what he will with other girls (chances are that wasn't his first time doing this to some innocent babe), you are REMAINING THE VICTIM. GET HIM AWAY FROM YOU. Tell anyone. ANYONE who will help you. I'm pleading with you-- understand that NONE of this was your fault. You didn't "ask" for it, you didn't "lure" him in, you were put in a vulnerable position after saying no to this terrible person, and he still did this to you. C'mon, stop thinking about your boyfriend for once and start thinking about what you can do to help yourself. You NEED TO.Your boyfriend, if he loves you, will stick by you through this. But if he's blaming you, I think it may be better to say "so long" to this guy. You were a victim, you were not the one who did this.I hope you find solace and comfort in some good-hearted and kind people... you deserve the time to recover from this. Love,KC
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Oh my, I am shocked and appalled at the advice you have recieved from Martini! I have to ask..what purpose are your harsh words going to serve, in this young woman's life, Martini? This young woman feels worthless enough, only to have you further degrade her. There comes a time when as advisers on this site, where we have to reach inside our own humanity and hearts- and be compassionate, responsible adults and use maturity, common sense and a heart, when advising young people.
Annacoolgirl, my heart goes out to you. You were raped. I agree with Shania totally, you need to report this, if it's not too late. You are not to blame for the crime committed against you because you cannot control the actions of other people. You did not 'lure them'-they made the conscious, intentional decision to do this to you. They could've controlled their impulses. Human beings we should have the freedom to make sexual choices regardless of the circumstances. These boys took advantage of you. They used you because they 'chose' to.
Shame is one of the most overwhelming emotions experienced by survivors of sexual abuse, an emotion that tells us we are not good enough, that there is something wrong with us and encourages us to hide the truth. Shame is a feeling that takes a life on its own, spreading widely through our bones, effecting the way you live and interact with others. Being ashamed gives you a sense of worthlessness, it makes you feel isolated and haunted by a sense of being a failure. One of the most painful experiences in life is rejection, we all fear it. But when we feel ashamed we are rejecting ourselves, telling ourselves that we are unwanted and unlovable. You are loveable, you are worthy. If your bf is upset at you and is blaming you. Ask yourself "why"? He should be standing behind you, holding you up, supporting you through this-but he has chosen to think of his own pain. This is not love, hun. Now you have to endure the humiliating feeling of appearing unfavorably, unloveable in his eyes, as a result of what he feels was your fault? Your bf is having a hard time with 'acceptance' of what happened. Can you live with him feeling this way...it will only serve to further downgrade your relationship. You may have to think about going it alone. Please seek some family counselling and consider telling a trusted adult or family member what has happened to you. You need to hang on, dear and never allow anyone to 'tear' you down, again. Value who you are and get out there and start anew. Believe in yourself and be careful in the future, how much you drink and whom you drink with. Choose wisely, dear. Breaking the silence it's the first step to your recovery. Every time you break the silence and trust someone, you are one step further in your healing. Don't hide in a dark corner...and allow this to 'erode' you. Fight back. You did not deserve this. Take care and be strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): I'm not going to be as compassionate, of course. You said you drank an entire bottle of vodka. What the f**k were you doing drinking an entire bottle of vodka in the presence of questionable people? So easy to trust others, just because they have some sort of relation to your bf?!?! That is so irresponsible! That is the PERFECT EXCUSE to f**k and get f**ked - either it be forceful or otherwise. If I were you, I wouldn't drink so much without my gf being there. Even then, I wouldn't drink nearly as much to get myself drunk!You my dear, got yourself in this mess. It may be true that your brother and his friends molested and had intercourse with you, BUT YOU LURED THEM - YOU ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN! You know what? If I were you, I would leave your bf out of shame and dishonor. You allowed yourself to get drunk, and you knew very well (don't play stupid and naive) that when you're drunk, anything can happen. Alcohol conquers love any day!No offense Smeedle and ladies, but if I were her bf, I wouldn't be able to let that go. It may not be much to you (figure of speech out of anger), but having some other cocks fuck my woman - the woman I adore and worship, just suddenly got very very dark. How can I go back and make love to her when others have done so in my wake?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Aside from the drinking, it wasn't your fault - you should report a rape.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (3 March 2006):
 I think in future,you should stay away from the drink because it alters your way of thinking....people can take advantage of you and before you know it,your doing things your later regretting.These fellas took advantage of you while you were very drunk....you said no but they still went ahead....i would call it rape.When a woman says no...she means no.Do you remember...consenting to it? Or you said no but blacked out? If that was the case,then you should go to the police and report it.Your boyfriend is trying to be supportive and strong...if he loves you then he will stick by you...it will take time but if you two...really want this relationship to work then hopefully it will.If you had sex with these two fellas and you didnt agree to it then i seriously advise you to go to the police.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (3 March 2006):
 HI annacoolgirl, what you and your bloke have to accept is that what is done is done and no ammount of wishing it away will make it any the less so.
You were drunk, I have and still do the stupidest things when drunk, I oftern wake up in the cold light of day and remember what I have done and want to crawl back under the sheets but facing it head on is the only way to go.
So you have slept with this bloke, you did not tell your fella because you could not remember having sex, and you have deeply hurt your bloke, all fact and all stuff that you cannot change no matter what you wish or say.
So time to accept what has gone on and start moving on, this may hopefully be to mending your relationship or it may be to facing up to facts with him that the trust has gone and so has the relationship.
If you had a really solid relationship before you slept with his mate then just maybe you will in time find a way through, you will need to give him space to work through his emotions, soul search and hopefully forgive.
You will need to think about the relationship and what it means to you and how you are going to demonstrate that you were stupid and will not be doing this again, that you are very sorry but that you will not keep on saying sorry.
There has to come a time when if he does not forgive you, you stop trying to make him and realise it is over.
Hope this is not the case, but just work through it with him and see what happens.
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