A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I made a HUGE mistake last night. In a moment of passion (during sexual foreplay) I asked my GF a hypothetical question of "If I wasn't in your life, and you had to be with one of our/your friends/acquaintances, who would it be?The problem is she answered, and being in the moment I told her to role-play and pretend I was him and she did! The problem is she did things that she has never done with me in the past. We ended up having anal sex, which she never let me before, and she swallowed my load, which is rare. All the while screaming out this guy's name.What gives? What should I take from this? I know I brought it on myself, but now I just can't get the picture out of my head.
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 Perfect answer, Tisha. I tend to think I'm pretty understanding with women, but I think I learned something here. Well no, that's a lie. I learned a lot here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): My question would be, is this a rare thing (for her) or was this how it was with the ex freqently?
If she used to do naughty stuff with him all the time and then coincidentally "decided she didn't like it" the same day she got with you, then I wouldn't be so happy about it. She felt more sexual about him than you and there's no other way to excuse it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): wow tisha, im speechless! You nailed it perfectly. Mal
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): Thanks Tisha-1 for the insight. You may want to think about teaching sex ed. You explained a lot.
I guess each sex is the same....I mean I put a double standard on my girl, but don't girls ALWAYS do the same? Think about it, tell me one girl that hasn't asked the "Am I fat" question? I've been with many frames, from barely breaking 100 lbs, to doubling it. Both have their positives and negatives, but both always ask the same question.
You made it clear that both genders have their insecurities. I know that it was MY fault, I opened Pandora's box here, all ME, not her. It's my cross to bare, not her's. Same as when a woman asks the "fat" question, it's her cross to bare if it's not the answer you wanted.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Sorry, I got carried away. There's a reason that they say women reach their sexual peak at 40, and men at 19. That's because for women, it's mostly mental and learning to relax and trust and just go for it takes a long time. Remember, that's 40, not 30 or 20.
You should be damn grateful she got into it so much she offered you anal. She offered it to YOU, not him, you blinking idiot! It was ROLE-PLAY. His penis was nowhere near her!
I have news for you too. She may have tried anal, she may have asked for it. However, she may decide she doesn't like it and she doesn't really want to carry on doing it and she may never offer it to you again. She certainly won't if you start questioning her on this. Anal is really not everyone's cuppa tea, and as my microbiology professor pointed out in a particularly fascinating class, there's a perfectly wonderful, specially designed piece of anatomy right next to the anus that lubricates and expands and everything. And it doesn't hurt and doesn't make you poop funny the next day or feel that you're pooping all during sex. Feeling like you're pooping all during sex isn't particularly erotic, for many women. Oh, and there's the poo thing too, can't forget that.
So you may never get anal again, be prepared. And it's not because it's YOU or HIM or Brad Pitt (no, he looks like a slob right now, not Brad) or whichever ravishingly handsome celebrity stirs the mind involved, it's because it was frankly kinda yucky and not arousing. What WAS arousing was seeing how hot he got at the wanton brazen hussiness of his woman.
I hope you can make some sense of my ramblings, I'm trying to get you to look at sex from a girl's point of view, not from the jealous male point of view. I understand you are jealous. I'm trying to explain why it has nothing to do with him, it has to do with her, okay? Empathy is a good thing, try to approach it that way, not from the wounded pride point of view. You will lose that one, and you might lose her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2010):
I just saw that you answered this, I didn't get a follow up message letting me know.
First of all, when did he get in bed with you? She was having sex with YOU, okay, not him. She was pretending, for pete's sake.
Lordy lordy lordy, you are going to ruin this thing you have with her. YOU were the one who started this game, YOU reaped the benefits, and now you want to beat her up for playing along? You are so going to lose this girl, if not give her a complex about ever letting go in bed again.
Look, we girls are funny. We don't sexually mature all overnight, our first sexual experiences are often painful, crappy and frankly unfulfilling on many levels. We don't know how to give blowjobs, most of us don't grow up watching porn dreaming of getting it up the ass or having gangbangs and all those porno type stuff that's made for men to pay cash for. We go into sex not knowing very much, feeling very insecure about our less-perfect-bodies, hoping that we'll please the guy we love so much, hoping he'll find us desirable and will be loving and forgiving if we don't know how to do everything or do it wrong.
We have to learn to feel comfortable with our bodies and this new sexuality we're just figuring out. Wow, THAT feels amazing, wow, when he does THIS and I do THAT, whoa, baby, that's great, oh my god this is great omg omg don't stop don't stop....
We relax into the relationship, things are going great, we start to feel really sexual, and certain things that were once taboo now become a possibility.
Remember when you were 12 and kissing with tongues was like, the grossest most disgusting yechy blechy thing you could ever think of? Like eewwwww putting your tongue in someone's mouth, ewwwwwwww. Then when you were 14 and suddenly it seemed like a really fabulous idea and you were actually getting erections as a result of something that only 2 years ago you found absolutely loathsome?
It's the same thing here, honey, we girls have absolutely NO IDEA what to do with a penis or how to touch it or anything. Remember, we're not watching the porn channel secretly on our parents TV, we're into romance and holding hands and swooning, not crotch shots and penetration shots and dreaming of anal sex. I can promise you that the vast majority of young girls do not have porno dream fantasies of sex. It's more like, come swoop us up in your strong, masculine arms, carry us to the feather bed, lay us back gently and then caress us till we die of pleasure. We have our own fantasies of sex, see.
Then when reality comes, and you're with a guy and you're facing this penis, you don't know what to do and it's frankly strange looking and very scary and there's no way on earth I can even think about touching it let alone putting it my mouth or vagina or letting it anywhere near me. Ewwwwww!
But then as you learn and play and love and explore, things get more interesting and you start to see what the fuss is about. You let yourself go and you allow yourself to feel safe in the arms of your beloved. He tells you to let yourself go, you're safe with me, we can do anything, we can play and fantasize and have fun, and you trust him and you think it's okay and you allow yourself to release and let go and just allow anything.
And suddenly he's accusing you of wanting this other guy, and he's blaming you for being sexual and he cannot stand that you even entertained the notion of having sex with another man, even though he begged you to pretend, to fantasize and now he's all angry with you for something that he's encouraged. He's held you and loved you and you felt safe and desired and really really sexy, so you thought, what the hell, let's play, I'll scream this other guy's name and really get into it, let's show him I can do this. And now he's angry and upset. WTF? What the hell is wrong with him for not understanding the unfolding of my sexuality, for not understanding that it takes time for a woman to open up, truly open up and let things go, to trust him, to feel okay to be really nasty and sexual and DO THINGS you'd never done before.
That really kinda sucks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): I wasn't turned off or anything about the name screaming that was part of the role-play in my opinion. Rather I was caught off guard with the fact that she did things she NEVER would even consider before. I had begged for anal sex before and here when we are role playing she actually asked me to take her in the butt. So why him, but not me?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 Did you enjoy it ? If you do ,there should be no complains. It was just a fantasy to help her overcome her inhibitions and take it up another level.
You could also do the same to her . Think of her as some actress or famous personalities you adore . Your love makings will never be the same again.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 All girls have fantasies about celebrities (eg, movie stars)... this girl just happens to have a fantasy about an ordinary person. You feel threatened because she fantasizes about someone "attainable." Look at it this way... the fact that she's with you when she actually has a *chance* with this other guy is testimony to the fact that she seems to really want to be with you. She might be superficially attracted to this other guy but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I'm sure that all straight females are attracted to Gael Garcia Bernal and Johnny Depp, but it doesn't mean we're in love with them... we just think they're hot.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (31 March 2010):
 Dummy! dummy dummy dummy, lol. ALWAYS make it a celebrity or someone that could NEVER be a threat. She got into the fantasy, thats all. You could have said a cartoon person and she would have been screaming that name and doing crazy stuff. Just learn from this and next time use someone neither of you know.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2010):
Look, women are told to be hot but you can't be a slut. Be great looking, show your boobs but don't ever let anyone touch them because then you'd be a wh*re. We get all kinds of mixed messages.
Now you have just given your girlfriend free rein in fantasizing, with YOU actually participating (and benefitting) and now you want to judge her on this. You are going to wound your sex life beyond repair if you take this up with her in any way.
She was turned on by the whole naughtiness and allowed herself to really let go with you. Anal sex? The swallowing? All because she felt free to just be sexual. With YOU. Now you want to blame her for the fantasy YOU brought up? That's just wrong.
I think you need to tell her you felt jealous of the other guy, because he got things you never did. See what she says. She'll point out that no, actually YOU got those things, it was a game, playing.
I think you had best leave the role-playing out in the future as you obviously cannot handle the potential for jealousy.
I think you need to ask yourself why you asked this question of her in the first place. Are you feeling jealous, suspicious, unwanted, unloved, undesired? You set this thing in train, and ultimately, YOU are the one who has to account for the situation.
All she did was act out with YOU. You set her up for failure. Why did you do that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): That was very risky. What you need to decide now is if you can get over this or not. Talk to her ask any questions you have from that particular incident and go from there.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 March 2010):
She did what she did not because she wants this other guy over you, but because thinking it was someone else made her lose her inhibitions. In other words, because she thought it was someone else other than you, she was able to let herself go. Don't worry. It just means that when she's with you, she doesn't want you to think any less of her. It's hard to let go when it's someone we love and respect, and want to have respect us. Thinking it was someone else made it easier for her to let go. In future, if you're not comfortable, don't ask that question.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (30 March 2010):
 She freely did what you asked her to do role play. I would not make a big deal about it, it was a game enjoy it!
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