A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What to do... I married my highschool sweetheart after ten fun-filled years together. We had an awesome destination wedding and have been together as husband and wife for an just over four years now. We are only 31 years old, so we have basically been together almost half of our lives! Since we first met she has has essentially been the perfect girl/woman. She has loved me, taken care of me, helped me whenever I've needed help, been a true friend, etc... She has never done anything wrong with the exception of ran up the credit card bills on some shopping sprees, or cursed me out when I act like an idiot. But in the grand scheme of it all she is just fantastic. Being 31 years old it's kind of an age where I think people start realizing who they are and what they want out of life. The sad truth is, I think I may not want to continue being with my wife. I love her to pieces, but there is just something missing. I don't feel that fire with her, the desire to have children with her, let alone sex with her anymore. My aspirations in life have changed and her have stayed the same. After analyzing it, I feel like I married her because it was expected of me after being with her for so long. I feel like I married her because she provided me with security much like a blanket provides security to a small child. I love her, but... I don't know... Now I feel stuck with no way out. How could I walk away from someone who loves me so dearly, who's family has shown me so much warmth, who my mom and dad love. How could I steal 14 years, the prime years of her life, away from her? My friends tell me I got to do what makes me happy. I just don't know if I could do it. I'd almost rather live the next 40 - 50 years uncontent just so I wouldn't hurt her. But then that isn't really fair to her as she can feel my angst. I'm scared to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Anyone out there ever felt this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011):
Yes, lots of people in long-term relationships feel like this. It is normal. What you have is something people sometimes look for their entire lives and never find: a partner you love and who loves you.
Before you do anything rash I think the two of you need to go to marriage counseling to help you focus on the relationship. In the end, the solution may be to split up, but do not do that without a fight! Relationships are a lot of work sometimes and you have to fight for them! Too many people take the easy way out when times get tough.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): OK I know the last post on here was from 2009 and here it is 2011, however much like you and the others, I used a search engine in reflection of "grasping at any footholds" for answers or advice and all thats been posted has been very valuable information for me so kudos to all. Anyhow I'll explain my situations and will indicated WE are ALL not alone here with these things. I am 43 years old, been married for 24 years and also have 2 sons, both adults now and...well one off to college the other one hadnt quite left the nest yet, regardless, its still us and him, but I met my wife in high school, yes she was my high school sweetheart, of course being 18 and her 16 we were both with raging hormones and on our second date is when we, well had sex. From that point on we were always together and in love, or was it lust? Regardless we were both young and full of it! We dated like this for over a year and were very sexually active and over a period of time quit using protection because we figued as many times as we did it, her or I wasnt fertile since she was never late with her periods after our interludes and "accidents" or just got to lazy to stop to get a condom or carry one, whatever. However she did get pregnant. This came as a total shock to us as of course, we knew what caused this but we just werent prepared. Well to try make a longer story shorter, as she was from a broken family and such her mother wouldnt have any of it and kicked her out so out of the kindness of my parents hearts they accepted what happened and let her move in with us...AFTER I got married to her and there was no fancy wedding, guests none of that, just her in jeans, me in my garage uniform and in front of the justice of the peace. I remember clearly the last words she spoke to me before the judge finished marrying us, "You dont have to do this, you can walk away..." But, I didnt want us and our child to be a "statistic", so I manned up and married her, so even then at that point, when I said I do I feel it wasnt out of love for her, well, over a period of time of course in another year, she got pregnant again, non planned of course, but we had our 2nd son and it goes to the old addage, babies raising babies. Well during all this time, as we were still young, we were both sexually active, wreckless at times and over the years we basically developed a rushed relationship due to us getting married and having children with no planning. We did become friends, however we both had a lot of differences with the exception of the sex. The love making we did was at times very intense and we never did anything perverted per say, but were pretty adventurous in references to location, time, etc spontenatety etc...but over the years...this diminished. She started gaining more weight with health problems and we both were working and kind of doing each our own thing. Shes never cheated on me, has always been honest and takes care of us so well, but after 10 years of marriage, I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted about a month until she called it off due to her own issues. Well out of guilt I of course confessed to wife and it crushed her terribly, however we worked through it and it was forgiven, but not forgotten and I believe this was the starting point of the crumbling. So now more over a period of years, we have been to marriage counseling once, I have had a nervous breakdown 4 years ago after my mother passed away (she was the one that really took care of us) and I am taking 2 diff kinds of antidepressant meds and seeing a therapist once a month or more if needed. Whenever we get together all we do is argue about bills and lack of income and I am not the same person I used to be and have pretty much lost all interest in things that her and I used to enjoy together. I have even tried to push those issues and make myself do things, but it just isnt there anymore. Also the lovemaking...well I actually consider it more of chore instead, because if it happens its maybe once a month and its me doing ALL the work with no variations and I normally dont finish because of just lack of interest and shes gotten used to that. So you see, time has not been on our side based on all this, and as of recently I tried to sit down with her and be honest and talk about where we were going as a couple, my feelings, everything and all it did was cause her to get upset and started a crying blame me/her argument and she told me she was finished, there was no fixing what cant be fixed and she would eventually leave whenever she had the money and resources to do so and also said she was just as unhappy as me, well unbeknownst to her, during all this time I have met another, yes I know thats very dishonest and wrong or whatver, but..this other and I click, and feel for each other, she has been in same situations I have and we have so so much in common, sexual wants and desires, our likes dislikes, feelings, etc, the chemistry is just so so strong and her and I both have told each other we love each other and are willing to be together if wife and I split. Her and I of course made a promise that we would never mention to wife about our relationship until after wife and I have been apart for a while so as to not have her feel more hurt. So now I am at a crosspoint of trying to decide what to do, continue the committment and live in chaos and being unhappy? Thats neither fair for her or me, or take a little hurt and work through a separation and (thanfully) be able to start anew with another with newfound happiness and love. I am to meet with my therapist here in a couple of days so this will be part of my agenda and I will make every effort now to try to fix things and make it right before I rush headlong into what looks like greener grass, however may be a bed of thorns, but like I told my wife, if it works then it was meant to be, if it doesnt, then it never was meant to be and she accepted this. So to you original poster and to all the others, we are all not alone in this, is it better to lose something that you care about enough to no longer hurt them or live a lie and and make you both miserable. I feel like I cant live without my wife as she has been part of me for over 24 years, but I feel like I cant face her everyday knowing what my true feelings are and just dragging this out to total stagnation...so whatever decisions you make, make sure you are solid and content with them, because once you cut off part of your heart, that piece never grows back and you can try to fill it with another or something else, but that another or something else will not be the replacement for the piece that is gone....good luck all!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Hello.
I truly understand what you are going through.
As I read your words I felt that your situation and my own were identical, in fact it felt as though I knew what was coming in the next sentence even before i had read it.
I would like to know if you have had any breakthrough, or even a minor change in your situation, positive or negative, I would love to hear all about it.
Given that your post felt like it was almost written in my own words, I can't help but think that there's alot more to the situation that you are ready to reveal, or even admit.
I will ask you a whole bunch of questions and give you more detail on my situation. Some may be relevant, some may not be, but if I think we are as similar as I think we are, they might get you thinking.
-- Do you feel that you have missed out on your twenties, not had enough fun, not had enough sexual variety, etc?
I am struggling with monogamy, and I'm willing to bet that you are too. You may be noticing other women alot more. Women that you may never have even considered in the past are now more interesting. You may think about cheating or having a one-nighter, but deep down you know you couldn't live with the guilt...am I right?
-- Do you feel you and your wife are mismatched sexually?
I know that you find your wife attractive, you haven't written it, but I know it is true. You may have gone off sex because of your own issues, but could it also be because of a difference in how each of you view sex? Is she a selfish lover or perhaps a dud in the sack? Is she quite tame and inexperienced while you crave something a little wilder and creative?
I highly doubt that you are even remotely weird or perverted, but being guys we like certain things and we appreciate a woman that knows how to push our buttons and turn us on. Does she do this for you? Has she ever? Is she open to trying new things or perhaps doing a specific thing for you that would go a long way towards satisfying you? If she is open to that, would it matter to you that she is only doing it because you asked and not because she enjoys it?
--Has there been some kind of external influence that got you to the point of thinking and analyzing? Your single friends having a blast, a flirty co-worker, a crush maybe???
Flirty co-workers have been a complete pain in my neck, causing all sorts of strange feelings and doubts to come out into the open. Did this, or something similar happen to you? I have not given in physically to my pursuers, but I have crossed the line emotionally and it's tough, real tough to think clearly and honestly about your marriage and know what you want when something exciting is clouding your judgement.
--If you won the lottery tomorrow, do you feel that you'd give half to your wife and walk out the door?
Is this a case of...if you all of a sudden had all the security money could buy, and all the confidence that goes with it...if you no longer had to be working full time, and could go out and do whatever you'd always dreamed but felt you could never achieve and follow your life's purpose...would you prefer that your wife wasn't a part of all that?
-- Is your wife a jealous/posessive/needy type?
Do you get to see your friends as much as you need to without your wife right there with you? Do you feel guilty or perhaps are you made to feel guilty for needing alone time? Do you even get alone time???
I play cards with my friends one night a week. My wife tells people that I'm always out and about with my friends and that she doesn't get to see me much. I get..."Do you have to go to poker tonight??? can't you just stay home with me???". Does this happen to you too?
-- Is there some aspect of her personality or physical characteristic/flaw that is present/missing that you feel is of huge importance to you and your own sense of attraction to your wife, but you feel that if you were to tell someone how you felt about it they'd think you're a selfish shallow jerk?
Is she perfect but for a few things that you secretly wish you could change but would never dare ask for?
I know that the above paragraph is written poorly, but if it applies to you, I'm sure you'll know what I mean.
-- Is your wife a selfish person even though she is caring?
Does she respect your opinions and does she trust you?
was she spoiled rotten as a child and have unrealistic expectations? Can she handle money?
-- Have you always had an issue with giving your entire heart to your wife, even back when you were dating?
Has it always or mostly been the case where you were committed to your wife only in part? Appearing to be fully committed but only until something better came along?
-- Do you feel unwilling to stay but unable to leave? Are you scared to leave your loving wife because deep down you know you'll regret it? To strive for something better you need to give something up first. Because there are no guarantees that you'll get what you want, or will even be satisfied by it if you do manage to get it, you are reluctant to give up the thing you have now.
You are in limbo my friend. You may even feel that if there's a chance that this could be worked out, you're probably not willing to put in the effort.
-- Have valued your wife's approval so much that in your efforts to make her happy over the years, you have conceded and compromised too much? Have you loved your wife so much that you lost your sense of self in the process and essentially lived through her?
Did you ever have a confidence problem or other issues with self esteem? Depression maybe? Have you ever had any ambitions or are you just starting to know what career path you want. Did you get married as a crutch to support flaws in your own character and now no longer have those particular flaws and hence no longer need the crutch?
These are some of the issues i have identified through much soul searching. I have explored the deepest and darkest parts of my soul and I hate to admit it, but I really don't like what i found. I like to consider myself a good person, and I treat others with respect. I'm patient and kind, I'm intelligent and have great potential, but it's hard to believe that with so many shallow and selfish desires going on in my head. I feel that I truly do not deserve the love my wife has given me over the years, and the worst thing i can do for her is to stay married to her.
The worst thing i can do to myself is to leave her and live a shallow life chasing my tail searching for the thing that will truly satisfy me and never finding it, and dying alone and empty.
My father is an honorable, reasonable and respectful man. He is not a religious man, he is not an educated man, but he is a very wise man. He told me that if I leave my wife, I won't be single for long. "There's alot of trash out there" he'd say, and the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. He told me I'd move on and find a plaything (probably the complete opposite of my wife) that I have no intention of building a life with, and while she might satisfy my immediate and shallow needs, I'd never truly respect her or love her, but i'd be stuck and trapped with her because i would end up accidentally getting her pregnant and knowing my sense of duty, she'd keep the baby just to keep me.
This is not a situation I'd want for myself...do you want it for yourself???
He said the best thing I can do for myself and my wife is to be brutally honest with myself and work out what I can live with and what I can't. Do the things i need to do to build confidence in myself and see if they change my outlook on life. Consider therapy, sex therapy that is. And maybe get a few books that teach couples to be more intimate and creative without getting into all the nasty stuff.
Then be honest with your wife about what is going on in your world. You don't have to be completely honest, some things are better left unsaid, but be courteous and respectful when you outline the things that you really want to change and improve.
Some time apart...maybe a month or so might help you both to come to an understanding of who you both truly are, what you both truly want out of life, what changes can be made and what can't.
The he said to approach the whole thing like a business arrangement. Cold and unemotional. Go through the "i want this, you want that". The "If I have to do this, you have to do that", the "if this happens then I can overlook other stuff, but if you do this other thing it's a dealbreaker".
Be fair to your wife and know truly what it is that you want. She may pleasantly surprise you if she realises the gravity and seriousness of the situation because I think that you have allowed her to carry on in a certain way for a long time, all the while not being thrilled about it, but only now is it becoming a major problem for you. You mention shopping sprees...are you working your fingers to the bone to support her lavish lifestyle and expensive tastes? I know I am.
You see my wife is not perfect, and you sure as hell know that I'm not...but your wife loves you with all her heart and given the chance to make you happy, she'd move heaven and earth to do it.
Give her a chance to make you happy by telling her what your situation ha become from your viewpoint and make her understand that while you love her very much, there are significant issues in your marriage that are causing you to feel this way.
if after some time you see the changes and are happy once again with yourself and your marriage then it was all worth it the pain of getting it out in the open.
If you do the work needed but find that she does not fulfill her end of the bargain...revisit the issue and give her another opportunity to make it right.
If again she reverts back to her old ways while you are making a sincere and dedicated effort, then do what you feel you must do.
But remember, you must be willing to do what is needed to save your marriage. You must try to do all you can before giving up. do not give in to easy temptations, do not self sabotage your relationship. Do whatever you can to build confidence in yourself and appreciate what your wife does for you. That way if you ever do get divorced, you can sleep at night with no regrets and no shame.
If you choose to buy a book on deciding to divorce, buy one that is not biased either way. buy one that asks the tough questions but does not steer you. That way you can be sure that the decision you make is the right one.
Is any of this ringing true?
I truly believe that you do not want to divorce your wife. If you did, you would have just done it already and wouldn't be seeking the approval of others or an excuse to justify your own immediate wants.
You are scared of the unknown, you are scared to be alone. You are scared that you might not find someone as beautiful and loving as the one you have right now, but something is holding you back. Address it as quickly as you can and above all, be a man. Be honest and reasonable and true to who you are and what you believe in. Don't be afraid to put in an enormous amount of effort to get the job done, everyone says that in the end it is worth it.
I am at the stage where I have had a one month break. I have shared almost all of the above with my wife and will soon see if it changes things for the better. I am prepared to put in the work because deep down i know that I would be lost without her and I would regret throwing our love away. I am willing to change for the better. She says she is willing to change for the better. At first I had my doubts as I've seen her put things in the "too hard basket" many times before, but she is adamant and willing to change for herself, not for me. This time I think it will be different.
Only time will tell.
My friend, I hope that I have spoken your language, and I also hope that you have not nearly as many issues as I do.
I sincerely hope that you work out what you truly want and go after it 100% with no regrets, whatever your path may be.
I hope that you have the strength to do what needs to be done, and I hope that whatever you decide, you become a better person for having done it.
Please let us know how you go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): [Moderator's note: user quotes the first 4 paragraphs of the answer posted on the 25th of August, beginning with:"you are not happy with the 80% that you have in your marriage. is that 20% that you are craving so much more important than the 80%."]That was the most insightful thing I have ever heard someone whose been married ever say.I wish all people wishing to be monogamus can learn from someone like you.Many people just want it the easy way. By feeling the same butterflies exciting feeling over and over again. The true feeling comes from the most unconditional love that doesn't require that.THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR INSIGHT I JUST HAD TO SAY THAT.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Wow, can I relate to your situation. I'm going through something very similar, although I'd say my feelings for my wife are not as strong as yours are (were?) for your wife. I'm not sure I was in love with her when we married 13 years ago. I've already told her that I want to separate and we've started counseling together, so I haven't moved out of the house yet. There's a lot about my marriage that I love and really do not want to lose. But if I don't love my wife the way a husband should love his wife, that's not fair to anyone. So like you, I'm completely torn on this. Do I take the courageous (and scary) step of moving out and taking my chances on finding that kind of happiness? Or do I continue to take comfort with the rest of our marriage and kids and just forget about the other bit? I feel like I just can't go on living like this anymore. I wish I had a definitive answer for you. Perhaps someone who's been through this and made it to the other side can add something. I, too, will be looking for that answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): to the last male reader: your new found career and new found professional status makes you ashamed of your wife. you need to decide what is more important. being seen as a with it career man, high profile professional or a decent human being. i disagree that you too have invested in your relationship. what you have invested in is : stolen years.
you may crave the high professional career, new found IMPORTANCE, but at what expense: your inner self.
you may have attained the professional status but you lost your self being.
sad. when the glitz and glamour is over who is the REAL YOU. do you know who the stranger looking at you in the mirror.
i work in a professional enviroment. work conferences, parties, team buildings, high professional environment. did i lose my self worth attaining my professionalism? am i ashamed of my husband who is not a professional? am i false. (perhaps sometimes) am i ashamed of my home life? am i ashamed of my hb who is not on the same intellectual level? NO. the good work life does not define what i have become. in fact my balanced home life grounds me. it stabilises me. it makes me what i am.
perhaps you need to work on your self esteem and inner insecurities. the high profile life can easily consume you. you can be lost in the thrill of high networking professionalism. don't make the mistake so many new found professions make. all that glitters is not gold. look beyound the glitz, the glamour, the with -it new friends and business associates.
make peace with your life. you are craving the exciting fun loving life. you are craving the unattainable and the forbidden life (with other women).
being ashamed of your wife- now this is something you need to work on. please, i implore you, think about this carefully, realistically and decide what YOU can do to rectify this feeling.
i am not judging you (too much). is the high flyer work life worth throwing everything away for?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): My friend, all I can tell you is you are not alone. As like you, I am looking for answers. I used the search engine with the hope of finding some wisdom or insight on why I feel this way and I ran across this link and read your post.My situation is actually worse than yours. I am now over 40 years old and I am married for 20 plus years. We have two wonderful children but they have reached adulthood now and are no longer in need of spending all the time with their parents.I was very happy with my life. My children have grown. I can now live the life I never started for myself with the woman I "love."But for some unknown reason, the love I felt for my wife started to dissipate. It is not something she had done. She's always been faithful, loving and caring. The problem is something has changed inside me. I am still soul-searching on what that might be. I hope to enlighten you to start thinking about what could be causing your discontentment. Here is what I've been wondering about mine:Is it my work career? In the last few years, my career took off exponentially that I've earned most people's respect. I have now started having some friends at work that value me for who I am. I am now in a leadership position that also requires me to travel. Prior to this, I have been a family man. I go home quickly after work and spend as much time as I can with my wife and children.I have to admit that because of the constant development that my company has invested in me, the intellectual differences between my wife and I have grown out of proportion. Her usual aloofness and innocence with things are no longer amusing for me. I want something much more.I have met lots of wonderful and highly-intelligent women who I would be willing to date had I not been married. There is a mutual feeling shared with some of these women. They do go out to lunch with me. Some of them are willing to go on certain outings with me. Some of them have confessed to liking me but knowing that I'm married prevents them from going all the way with me. In reciprocation, I love being with them but not to the point where I will cheat on my wife. Is it because our sex life has become one-sided? My wife's sexual capability to satisfy me has deteriorated in the past few years. I've been patient about it for years now but it has come to a point where I am depressed. Having sex with her is a chore for me even though it's bliss for her. We talked about it already and seeing her hurt with this discussion made me stop bringing it up.So what do we do? Most people will see us as selfish and self-absorbed jerks. Some will blame us for being uncaring and using up a person's years of youth for nothing. Some even gave you the 80/20 rule. But I bet none of them realize that we also have invested in the relationship that we're in now and that we are trying to understand our feelings. We also want to do what is right for everyone concerned.Have courage! You're not alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): You know man,I gotta say that I too loved my wife to pieces but I had to pull the cord. I began enjoying work and regretting home life more often as time continued. People can never give us everything we want but if she really wanted to see you happy then she would try.I've come to the conclusion that society has trained women to really be self absorbed. Women can be very selfish and posesses over their own wants and needs. I am engaged now to another woman and she tries her best to care for me but at the same time she gets very upset when I try to help her or do things above and beyond the measure of the average jerkoff out there. Sadly I am a nice guy and just now I dropped my fiance off because she was ignoring me and telling me that she doesnt need my help. I tried to give her a picture of me and her from the car I had and she just threw it back at me. Now shes off doing something by herself and refuses to respond to let me know. If she truly cared about my feelings she would tell me where she was as it is expected that I would worry horribly over what happened to her. Instead she says nothing.Im going to say this from the heart my anonymous friend, its good to think about your wife and care for her and do everything you can before you even think about divorce...but in the end you really do just need to either try or let it die.I hope this points you in the inevitable direction I am implying.Seeya
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): you are not happy with the 80% that you have in your marriage. is that 20% that you are craving so much more important than the 80%.
you know people on this site talk about this all powerful love, consuming you, butterfly feelings, maybe even knees knocking effect of so called TRUE LOVE. but have you considered that true love, can be STILL, it can be quite and it can be the unspoke words between partners. yes, true love is all about unable to live without that person. so many people on this site claim to have this earth shattering IN LOVE feeling. the moving mountains concept but they do not stand still for a moment and look at the contentness of true love. love that does not being destruction, betrayal, pain and turmoil.
if you trely cannot and do not love your wife the way you wish you were loved, then do the right thing and release her. release her from the selfish you, holding her back from finding this true love who will value her and worship her, because i believe she has some damn good qualities. i believe she is a quality woman therefore you have been with her for so long. but if you are not committed to her and your marriage then stop wasting her life. you have now wasted and stolen 14 beautiful years from her. surely you can grow some*alls and RELEASE her. she is young, only 31 years old. she has a lifetime to go, and i believe she deserves a chance of finding happiness with someone else.
no matter what she does you will not be satisfied. you have made up your mind that she doesn't fulfill you in the manner you want. so the problem is not her. it is your INABILITY to handle this happiness that you already have, yet you want to throw it away for the unattainable 'something'. you have everything on a golden platter. men will die to be in your shoes yet that 20% you crave will be your ultimate destruction. is this so called missing 20% a reason to throw everything away. what is causing your discontent. you hear of friends having a wild time, younger exciting crowd. maybe you believe you don't deserve to be loved like this.
let me tell you a little about my life.
i come from a big family. from us all i think i have made the better choices. i am a professional, have 3 houses, 6 dogs. yets the normal hassles in marriage but i SUFFERED from major , major GUILT. guilt because i think the rest of my family (except for 1 brother) not having what myself and my hubby worked hard for. guilt that my sisters did not have the material possessions i had. it took me years to come to terms, years of finding and questioning why me? why did i have a better life than my siblings. it made me sad, questioning all the time why i deserved to be happy and perhaps the rest of my family not. i always gave, gave , gave but to me it was not enough. i always felt guilty. now i have come to terms with all this. yes i feel sad. but i sacrificed and i am were i am with the good lords graces and hard work and good choices.
seems like you too, are feeling guilty. guilty from having this happiness. gulity from havig a "normal" happy lifestyle. you seem to have it all. love, family, happiness. this "need" to experience this earth shattering love. maybe you, like me, feel that this is beyond you, and you need to go anf "find" this something that your life is lacking. I just forewarn you. in your attempt to gain this "something that is lacking", you will be losing the very person who makes you complete, that very person who makes your life and existence complete. but when you come to this realisation, it will be toooooo late. this "diamond" that you will leave in your quest, will be snapped up in no time and she would no longer be interested in someone like you. you see , she would have mourned 14 stolen years, and slowly she would smile again, her tears will be replaced and she would start living again. you see she will find a man willing to love her, value her and a man not afraid to love her qualities, not afraid to accept the happiness she brings in his life.
"I don't feel that fire with her, the desire to have children with her, let alone sex with her anymore.My aspirations in life have changed and her have stayed the same. " I don't know whether you are living in a fairy tale but marriage is not constant. it changes because we go up and change. you have to work at your marriage DALIY, or else you lose the plot and the cracks become wider. so you don'tdesire her alike previous, or want to have sex with her. Then time to start another investment. Invest in this precious woman, learn to talk to her. YES TRY TALKING TO HER. OPENLY. tell her your desires. your fears, your sexual cravings. try going to a sexologist. the wife may be embarressed but you need to do everything in your power to get the balance back. i believe sex is so important in a partnership. it is a bond between couples.
when you say your aspirations have changed- has your career taken off and he wife now seems backwards?? new with it friends, more excitable people you are liaisng with??? how about including your wife into what now makes you happy. please do not fall nito the trap that a lot of aspiring career people fall into. new career and out with the backward partner. the sexual frredom they crave just leaves them more messed up once they indulge in the forbidden fruit.
( i am a professional, i deal with CEOS, directors, attorneys, bascially professionals all day long. my husband on the other hand is a "factory worker". yes, he makes his living wering an overall. am i ashamed of him . NO. he is my better hapf. he helped me during my early days, even paid for my legal studies. is he the high fliers i associate with. NO. BUT HE IS MINE. he completes me, so what if my career is different from his. i wear a powersuit, he wears an overall. makes no difference. so what i others think he is not compatible socially, professionally. i do not lack self esteem (well, most of the time, anyway). i am proud of him being my HUSBAND. and he is proud of me, what i have achieved. we work together to achive. yes he loves hunting, i like reading. we are different. it is this difference that makes us complete. do not think just because your aspirations are different from your wifes, she is any less worthy or what she is right now. do not be ashamed of her. so , she is a homemaker. there is nothing wrong with this. tell her your fears, you want to be seen as with it.
think about what i have said but make your mind up FAST. after all 14 years is a lifetime isn't it. do n ot steal a moment longer of her precious life. tell her you want a divorce and allow her to meet a man willing to make her HIS ALL. you go out and look for that 20% you are craving. if you find it, GREAT. but regrets is something you will have to learn to live with. stop being ashamed of your wifes qualities. start valuing it.
i told my husband a little while ago, "LOve, i was a long term investment" and belive me I am. and so is your wife. you see, my love for my husband is of the quite nature, the content one. not the earth shattering one, it doesnot make my love for him any less powerful or less strong. don't under estimate the quiet love. the content love. sometimes we go around looking for that little something we crave, when all the time we have it in front of us. but we couldn't identify it and we couldn't claim it as ours. sometimes all we have to do is tweak it, mould it, commuincate about it and we can attain the 20% we are missing. i challenge you to work for the 20%. it will be hard but it would be worth it. you have to want it desperately and work at it, fail a few times but just tap away and slowly it can be found , in your marriage. the trick is keep working the marriage.
(sorry this is long. but as always just too much to say)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): You are very considerate and you sound like a great person your heart is in the right place. This is what you have to realise, it's your life, if you live your life for someone else then your not living your life. Some people when they are younger think they will meet a person, get married and be with them forever. When your young there is no text book to tell you what happens.
If you could see the book it would say this.....
At first you'll fall in love with them, your heart will beat a million times a minute. You want to be with them forever! Things will level out you will both be happy. Then after many years pass, you will lose that passion, the excitement you felt when you first met. It's replaced with dependance, a close friendship bond, a comfort feeling.
You might even start to like others of the opposite gender and want them in ways you wanted the person your with now. You feel guilty because you think.... I was always thought I must love only one person and be with them forever? Am I horrible for wanting out?
The fact is humans were meant to be with more then one mate. Maybe it's from our cave man days? Who knows, but humans are always about change. I think because of religious reasons, ignorence in the past, hushed up things, shame, we still keep going with the one person, commiting to marriage. Then when the marriage ends, everyone gets hurt. If we were raised to know the truth there would be no pain or hurt, we'd have muliple partners and many life long deep friendships.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): I have been in the same situation as your wife. My partner left me after 9 years together. It turns out that he had a major case of the grass is greener on the other side as a few of his mates had become single and were having the time of their life.He came crawling back but my life has been so good since he left that i dont care that he isnt in it. I have met an amazing man and the passion is there.I was so freaking pissed off with him for wasting 9 years of my life at the time (from 18-27) but now im just thankful that he didnt waste 10 years of my life.my point is if you dont love your wife just leave her.She may not see it now but ultimantly you are doing her a favour. Im not being judgmental but if you are the type of person who is always looking for something better you may be in for a rude awakening. Im still friends with my ex but it pains me to see him so lonely and hear about all his god awful dates (not so much so that id ever take him back lol). She is young 31 isnt too late to go find someone that wants the same things as her. its going to be tough on you, she will hate you, so will her friends and family as well as your mutual friends not to mention your own family. Dont expect any pity from anyone because you wont get it.Good luck ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): Iknow exactly what you're going through. After 10 yrs. of marriage I no longer felt attracted to my husband. Actually it was sooner than that, but I wouldn't admit it to myself. I finally moved out after I developed feelings for another man, and I can tell you I'm still not divorced after 5 yrs. of living apart and I feel horrible about myself. My husband was the greatest guy! I just didn't feel like I loved him anymore. I didn't want to have sex with him, and yet he was like my glue! He was always there for me, really took care of me. The new guy I met, though the sparks were intense, he treats me like shit most of the time. Loses his temper over small stupid things, spends a half hour cursing at yelling at me. But my feelings for my husb. are still the same. I love him, but I don't love him like that -- with passion. I have passion with the other guy, but no respect. I am trapped in limbo and don't know what to do. Maybe you should re-evaluate your feelings alittle more. It's no picnic out there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): If you love her like you say then what you are feeling will probably pass after some time away from her. You may just need some time apart to get a sense of what your lives would be like without each other. Dont make any hastey decisions. You owe it to her to tell her whats on your mind. And if you decide in the end that you want to move on, then at least she will have that period of separation to brace herself for that possibility.
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