A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partners mother is the most annoying, argumentative, ignorant person I have ever met but I adore my partner. We work well as a team, love each other very much and have a lot in common. Recently, there has been a change in our conversation about marriage from 'if' we get married to 'when' but I find I am terrified of marrying him for fear of being around his mother for the rest of my life. I would never try to ruin their relationship and I can't see how I can live with her. Even the thought of her DNA and possibly her looks, passing to my own children horrifies me. Any advice on what I can or should do? Is there anyone in a similar situation who has a new perspective for me? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and answer. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): Although you may hate his mother, it will not make life any easier for your family. Just imagine, going through life always avoiding the woman who gave birth to the most significant man in your life.
Not one of the people who claimed how badly they disliked their mother-in-laws offered any positive solution. Just how they spent their lives avoiding another human being.
I disagree that you should raise innocent children thinking their grandmother is some kind of psychotic; because you can't get along. That just may be the reason for change. Moving away is a good suggestion; if your husband doesn't get along with his own mom. He isn't doing it for you, he'd be doing it for himself.
It has been my experience that when the husband dies, or if there is a family tragedy; these people who chose to isolate themselves; also lost all the family support that goes along with it. If that is how you chose to live out your life, more power to you. You just didn't know any other way to deal with it.
If they divorce, then comes the true hardship. Trying to pull things together after making enemies. It comes back to bite you in the ass. I know lots of people who wish they handled it better.
To the aunt who claims they moved away. I don't believe you're so happily married. How do you explain it to your children why they aren't allowed to know their grandmother?
One day when they're old enough, they'll go out of their way to find out what the issue was. It better be a good one' or you'll look terrible in their eyes.
You do have hope in healing any rifts between you and your boyfriend's mother. You provided more details that weren't previously included.
However; a man's duty is to make his wife feel she is above all things in his life. He is supposed to stand behind her.
If he does that, it will remove a lot of the tensions that may swell between you and his family. If he is incapable of doing that, he isn't a good choice as a husband.
Most of these people talk about how they didn't get along, not one will give the whole story, just their side. In your case your boyfriend loves his mother. That was what I'm getting at. Not people who just don't know how to make peace with people they happen not to like. There is no person on earth that you cannot come to reasonable terms with. You can't make them like you, you can make them respect you and leave you alone.
None of these people offered you any positive solutions; instead how to justify being disrespectful and uncompromising. There is a way to handle people who hate you. Give them a chance to put it on the table. Force them to listen to themselves give all their irrational reasons for being cruel and inflexible. When given a chance to reflect on what they sound like, it shows who the real A-hole is.
I understand your frustration with her behavior. She may have some issues about separating from her son. Don't participate in her hurtful and hateful exchanges. Don't give her power, seize it from her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): I know exactly how you feel. I hate my boyfriend's mother (and this is coming from someone who doesn't hate anybody). She is vicious, has ill intentions and a malicious agenda. I have a sixth sense about people so when I first met her I could see past her "niceness" and knew something didn't feel right. Later on as her personality and true intentions started to surface I knew that my gut feeling about her was spot on.
I also was able to recognize my boyfriend's mother's intentions and true character because I grew up with a mother who also has severe mental issues. So I was able to recognize the signs. The manipulation. The evil intention. I don't deal with my own mother who is my own blood so why would I deal with someone unrelated to me with a similar pathology? It turns out my gut was right, my boyfriend later admitted mental illness runs in his mom's family. (Schizophrenia, sociopathy, narcissism). I personally don't believe you are born with mental illness. I think it keeps getting passed along until the cycle is broken through proper and exemplary parenting. The problem is people like these keep repeating and emulating the same mistakes over and over again, generation after generation, therefore reproducing more and more of their same kind.
You can't change his mother, she will always be a nightmare and never realize how wrong she is for behaving the way she does. She probably has pathological mental issues and that is something I too would be concerned about passing along the DNA. Because there is no solid consensus about it in psychiatry, there is a small possibility I guess that her genes may be a bigger influence on your kids than their upbringing. As for the DNA argument though, I agree with the previous poster, if you are sane and your boyfriend is sane and you instill good solid values in your children, they will emulate you. There is in fact proof that, in general, society does play a bigger role in human behavior than biology. I mean if you believe in evolution, it musn't be too hard to convince you of this. Humans can evolve just as they can remain stunted. Most of it depends on what they've been exposed to and the opportunities they have.
With my boyfriend the biggest problem is he doesn't accept or realize his mother is f-ed up. So he has let her do things and get involved in ways that have caused discord between us.
If your boyfriend acknowledges his mom is f-ed up, does not in any way shape or form let her come between your relationship, and defends you to the grave then you are golden! So stop worrying.
If in any way you question how quickly he'll come to your defense when it comes to battling his crazy mom, then and only then I'd be worried.
If you do have kids, don't leave them alone or unsupervised with his nutty mother. She will try to manipulate them and put you down to them. As long as your boyfriend understands and agrees with you about your concerns with his mother, I think you'll be fine. If you have any doubt that he would ever side with her over you, only then reconsider.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGiven I wrote this in a terribly bad mood. I agree wholeheartedly that you marry into a family, WiseOwlE and that is exactly my predicament.
She is not fire breathing or nasty to me but she is extremely judgemental and rude in general, not just to me. A few years ago I made a decision that I would eliminate any 'toxic' people from my life and stop making bad choices in my friends and this is why I am so caught up. Normally I would cease contact with her and let things simmer down until we didn't talk but I cannot do that in this situation.
He would never pick me over her, I believe, because he adores his mum. But I would never ask him to.
I don't believe I am a bad daughter-in-law. I am polite, help around the house when I am there and generally try to be as happy and pleasant to be around as a can, but I find I cannot hold a conversation with her because she must tell over my voice if she disagrees. And without conversation, how does a relationship grow?
We have a fairly positive relationship on a day to day basis, sharing jokes and small talk, but that's as far as it goes. If I disagree, I am an incompetent idiot and she is more than happy to tell me so. She thinks it's hilarious but I find it extremely disrespectful and close minded.
This is turning into a bitch session but I wanted to point out that we're not throwing acid on each other, in fact in many conversations she has proudly voiced how much she loved having me as a DIL, but a matter of disrespect in the family.
I want to say a HUGE thank you to BellyDancerAme for giving me a bit of hope for our future haha
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A
female
reader, BellyDancerAme  +, writes (6 July 2013):
 I disagree with wiseowlE, I myself am in this predicament, we haven't dared to tell his mother that marriage is even a possibility! She hate me from the beginning but hid it until about two years ago(been together 5 years) My boyfriend has never got on with his mom as she is a bully and now that she turned on me he jumped to my defense. Turns out though his mother suffers from narsasisum so she was born that way, so as we know she will never change me and my bf got closer.Granted we argued lots initially through the stress of it all but then in one conversation I asked who is he going to choose me or her, granted it wasn't very tactical but at that point I had faith in our relationship and I trusted him so if he choose her things weren't going to work. He told me he would always choose me.I say put faith in your husband ask him if he is going to let that behaviour go unchecked. If she is nasty to you what will he do about it? Make sure your together otherwise she will force you apart, and trust me you don't even notice what she's doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): I love my husband and I hated his mother and we are happily marred with 2 kids for almost 6 years now. He moved our damily out of state to be away from her annoying mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): You can't marry anyone without marrying into their families.
You certainly can't be happily married to a man and hate his mother. How does he feel about it, or do you hide the fact?
People usually marry in-spite of their in-laws. The only thing is, the tension usually permeates the marriage at some point.
Mothers have a lot of influence on their sons. Knowing you don't like her will make it her mission to let you know how much she doesn't like you, for the rest of your marriage to her son. So you, missy, are going to have to learn to take the high road; and find a way to make peace and keep a healthy distance and be more respectful.
Your highly negative opinions of his mother would be a deal-breaker for me.
It says something bad about your character and how uncompromising that you are. You come across as very rude.
She may not like you for good reason. We may never know the reason(s); because we only get to hear your side. That comment about not wanting her DNA means you don't want his children.
Just reading the offensive references used regarding his mom, are proof you'd be a terrible daughter-in-law.
Then be on your way. The lady probably sees right through you, and knows the type of person you really are.
Women tend to be transparent to each other, no matter how good the facade. The lady is up one on you. She doesn't want your DNA in her grandchildren either; and has apparently not hidden the fact she doesn't like you.
Giving you benefit of the doubt; lets say this lady is every bit of a fire-breathing b/witch as you say.
What is she basing her negative opinion about you on? What have you done? What is it about you, that has forced her to unleashed the dragon?
My mother has protected me from many mistakes in my life.
She is the rock that I can depend on, when the world is at odds. She is his mother for the rest of her life. So a good daughter-in-law will work it out somehow; because she loves the son. How can he be happy knowing you hate his mother?
She may be all the things you say. The one truth remains.
She is his mother, and if he read what you wrote about her,
it wouldn't be your decision of whether or not to get married.
He would drop you like a bucket of hot coals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): I did LOL at your question. I don't really see eye to eye with my mother-in-law to be but I love her son and he loves me. Remember you are with him and not his mother.
Plus its the rest of your life. It's the rest of hers. She will be gone in time.
As for kids I have 1 with my partner and it's the way you raise them. No matter what they look like you will think they are them most beautiful children in the world.
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