A
male
age
41-50,
*rmankind
writes:I was engaged to my girlfriend and with her for 7 years. We had a real intensive sex life and a pretty good relationship. However there were things about the relationship that were bad and good. Good points: Sex, her sense of humour. Bad points, lack of compassion from her, real love and understanding of me, high maintenance, easily stressed, aggression from and her general attitude. However our relationship seemed successful but as of 4 months ago she cheated on me for the first time and I ended it even though she promised to rectify everything wrong. 2 weeks after the separation someone very special came into my life. Someone more beutifull in the face (not body), compassionate, understanding. I can say that I do feel the love for this person and I am now in another relationship which is 5 weeks old.However my sex life with my new girlfriend is not even half as satisfying as with my ex. We have had sex about 8 times now.I am afraid that I will need to let my current girlfriend go as although I feel love and compassion for her and get more back in return far from what I have ever experienced before. I am missing my ex purely for the sex and its turning into some kind of obsession thinking of her and comparing her.Please can you let me know what I should do as I cannot stop thinking about how great my sex life was for 7 years and now I feel I will never have a sex life again like that.I have the opportunity to get back with my ex and give it another go but I am not sure I can trust her again and I have strong feelings for my current girlfriend. My current girlfriend is such a nicer person and more loving but I am afraid the sexual feelings I have for my ex with ruin it.
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cheated on me, engaged, my ex, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Your follow up post has shown me to exercise patience which is what I suspected. It has been very helpful. Thank you.I am so glad I found this post - can you believe I am a female with exactly the same problem - I was with my ex seven years also and the sex-life was still great. Your follow up post has really helped. My ex was a jerk but it was as if we had two concurrent relationships, the good, great sex and a shared sense of humour and outlook on life - bad, I sensed he was cheating and found out he had not one but two other girlfriends - I was shocked to find that he had been seeing another girl for three years and another for one year. I exposed him to both. I had already decided to move counties because of my suspicions, I felt I had to get away from the temptation of staying with him. Naturally when I discovered the truth I realised I'd made the right choice.I met a lovely man who I am with, I adore him, he is everything I could hope for, supportive and loving I am really blessed but the only problem is that I miss the sex, as you can imagine my ex had a very high libido while my new partner seems happy with once in two weeks! We have had sex that surpasses what I had with my ex but it is infrequent and a bit hit and miss, I don't always have an orgasm like I did before. This bothers me, not purely from the gratification point of view but because I want to feel the closeness that comes with love making with my boyfriend, I suppose it is only natural therefore that I think of my ex and it aggravates me because it is my boyfriend that I want to be with and my ex does not deserve my even thinking of him. Your follow up post has shown me to exercise patience which is what I suspected. It has been very helpful. Thank you.
A
male
reader, mrmankind +, writes (2 August 2011):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,Its me again.Its been nearly a year and I thought I would update. I moved in with my new girlfriend a few months after this post. We are still living together and have been happy since. Our sex life is waaaayyy better (the milege comment was right) I would be lying if I said I have completely forgotton my ex and I have heard from her over the last year. Fortunately the love and affection from my new girlfriend has helped me forget about that opportunist slut. Anyways All is good and we are planning on going away to Greece for 2 weeks! Good luck all. thanks for your advice and take care!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): I think you did the right thing by ending things with you current gf- Although I understand that you cannot help think about your ex during sex and compare their bodies, it IS very disrespectful. I honestly suggest that you take a good while out from dating and relationships. A seven year relationship will take time to get over and I have to be honest, I doubt you are over it yet even if you say you are. After you have fully recovered from the end of the seven year relationship, I'll be willing to bet that you wont have this problem and you will embrace a new partner for who they are. ps: this q made me so insecure about my partner as you and him have such a similar story. Guy tries to 'save' crazy girl, she cheats, he leaves. She was also drop dead gorgeous, just his type of woman big blue eyes, blonde hair etc. Then he gets with me, I too am a virgin, short, dark skinned dark hair etc. damn it!
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 Good luck to you MrManKind I'm sure everything's going to work out fine. May the force be with you ;-)
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male
reader, mrmankind +, writes (3 September 2010):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe answer to that question is I think I found myself in a postion of caring. I knew she was a head case (crazy) and I felt like I was the only one that could look after her. I guess I saw the glamour of taking care of her more then myself. Well anyways she used me for everything she needed and now has her career and can stand on her own two feet so good luck to her.
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female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 I loved your followup response. Good job for proving that not all men are superficial pricks. Just one question? How did you last with your ex for seven years without experiencing true love?
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male
reader, mrmankind +, writes (3 September 2010):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe I can look past it and choose the loving heart. I have asked my GF to get back with me as its killing me she is not around. I wanted time but I cannot live without her love which I have never experienced before. Hopefully this happy ending lasts.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (2 September 2010):
Oh dear I'm cringing over your answer about her "unattractiveness" All those things you've highlighted about her are most definately things she hates about herself. Also your answer highlights the old cliche. High Maintenance girls don't have much heart. I guess you have to decide - loving heart or hot body. Don't forget hot bodies and looks fade with time, but loving hearts stay true forever.
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reader, mrmankind +, writes (2 September 2010):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy problem is its not the amount of times we have done it but how much more physically attractive my ex body is. Basically to make it clear my ex body is like Pamela Anderson without the surgery. And my current girlfriend has very small boobs, a flat slightly flabby bum and slightly bigger legs. shes 5 foot 2 and my ex was 5-8 (height does not really bother me though) I looked past that originally because she was prettier and a much more loving and better person. Only now its hitting me that I cannot get my ex out of my mind when it comes to bedtime activities. I have tried not to treat her like an object but its hitting me and I cannot help the way I feel. Oh and yes I do work out a lot in a pretty athletic shape, I am 6 foot tall dark hair, eyes.
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male
reader, mrmankind +, writes (2 September 2010):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jen! Great advice!
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (2 September 2010):
Well, knowing that your girlfriend was a virgin makes a lot of difference. I, too, was a virgin at 20 years old when I first slept with my fiance. Sorry to say it, but I do have a great body. I know that it's important in a relationship, but believe me, I do wonder: Does he think about his last girlfriend at all when making love to me? His relationship with her was much different than his relationship with me. She was very manipulative and condescending. Their relationship was "abusive" in a way. They fought constantly and broke up many times. It lasted for about two years. She was also two years younger than me, and claimed to be a "virgin" when she met him as well, though I doubt it. She had a decent body back then, but after their relationship became pregnant and gained a bunch of weight. Anyway, I always thought that maybe he might prefer her because she used sex almost as a weapon for manipulation. If they would fight, she would give him head to try and smooth things over.I, on the other hand, am different. Being inexperienced, I wasn't sure of myself. I fumbled around and tried my best to get the moves right. I cried, seeing as it was my first time and I did love him. Keep in mind we had only been dating for three weeks. Since then, we've tried nearly every position possible. We've done it in a few public places, and even though he doesn't like to role play or anything like that, I do try to dress up for him and be spontaneous. He's told me over and over how I'm lightyears better than his ex, but the insecurity is still there. Like the person below me said, eight times is not a lot for a girl who's never done it before.If her body is sincerely something that you're going to have trouble with, maybe don't go back to her until you can move past that, if you were going to at all... Attraction doesn't happen like that, no matter how much you love their personality. My boyfriend doesn't have the greatest body I've ever seen, but believe it or not, he's more attractive to me than any other man I've EVER come across, and I love his body because of it. We have a nearly flawless relationship, and I'm not kidding you. You're not over your ex, but her body doesn't have to be the "end all, be all" of every girl you come across. Open up to the idea of loving someone COMPLETELY, and you'll see what I mean.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): having sex about 8 times is not a whole lot AT ALL.
Pardon my crude analogy, but you're talking about a new car that has not even run 100 miles yet, it's not going to run as nicely and smoothly as after you've driven 100.000 miles with it, especially when you apply good care and are a sensitive driver.
Women are not objects but have some patience, man!
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reader, mrmankind +, writes (2 September 2010):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk for some more information which is probably going to make me look like an evil person.
My current girlfriend was 20 years old and a virgin when we first did it. She still has some pain but mostly over it.
I think the obsession with my ex and sex is because she has a far better body, much better in bed and I really enjoy being with her when it comes to sex.
I know what you are all going to say, she was a virgin and this will take time. But what I think it comes down to is that I think shes a great, beautiful person but I am not physically as half attracted as my ex.
This is going to make me sound so shallow I know and I honestly feel that I do not deserve to be with my current gf that I have just asked for time away from.
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reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (2 September 2010):
It's possible the sex doesn't feel so good because you are still so hurt over your ex's betrayal too.
Good luck with this I hope your heart feels better soon!!!
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male
reader, mrmankind +, writes (2 September 2010):
mrmankind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply. I am definatly not thinking of going back with my ex for that reason. There were other qualitys about my ex but the negativities over powered the positives.What I have done is told my current girlfriend that I need time as I went out with her so soon after my last relationship. She completly understands as she is such as nice person and hopes that I find strength to know what I want soon. So at the moment I am single and I am using this time to realise how much I love my new girlfriend or if I need to stay single for while. I know I risk losing her compltley but I know I cannot continue this relationshiop whilst still having these powerful feelings for my ex. Hopefully I get over the pain also of what happend and I am able to sort my head out completly.Thanks for your advice.
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reader, Jen1689 +, writes (2 September 2010):
Interesting that your ex-girlfriend cheated on you after SEVEN YEARS of a relationship, and you're thinking about going back to her. If my fiance, after seven years, cheated on me after not showing me compassion or understanding in our relationship, no way in Hell would I even think of giving him a second chance.
Sure, your sex life isn't as hot with your new girlfriend as with your ex, but that's because your ex wasn't giving as much to relationship as she could have been in any other aspect. Ever think that's why she was so good? Maybe she thought that was the only thing she had to offer. If you don't think the sex is satisfying with your new girlfriend, maybe you should consider ending it, but please, please don't do it just so that you can go back to your ex. If a break-up happens, it's because the relationship is broken. Trying to fix it (especially after someone has cheated) is nearly impossible. Trust me.
Maybe talk to your girlfriend about these issues. Don't mention your ex (not a good idea), but do mention that you think your sex life could use some spicing up. Try public places, new positions, costumes, role playing, etc. Believe me, it can be fun. You're playing out every girl's worst fear in this scenario: Is he thinking of someone else (his ex) while he is with me? You owe it to your girlfriend to either truly try at working on your relationship with her, or end it until you can get past your ex. Seven years is a long time to give up on something like that, but it's also not worth forgiving her cheating.
Take care, and best of luck to you. Message me if you want.
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