A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible... Ever since my mum and dad split up when I was four (I'm now 20) me, my sister and mother have been living with my abusive alcoholic stepdad. He has verbally, mentally and physically abused us for the duration. My real dad stopped speaking to me when I was young so he was never there to protect me. I'm not going to go into the whole back catalogue of what my stepdad has done but the worst are probably slashing my arms with glass, threatening me with a knife saying he was going to kill me, flashing his genetalia to me when I was young and numerous punches over the years. Hes an evil man and everyone knows it. The problem is that my mum won't leave him despite the fact he is dependant on her as he lives off benefits while she goes out to work. He does nothing. We all do the cooking, cleaning and washing etc while he just sits there. I feel so angry about this whole situation. I really resent my mother for this. I always think that if someone was hurting my children in this way I would protect them. Its as if she loves the sympathy, because she loves telling everyone all of the stories of the horrible things he does at every opportunity she gets, and relishes the sympathy she gets off everyone as the 'victim'. I got away from it when I moved out when I was 16. throughout this time she didnt even speak to me. I have recently had to move back home, and am moving out again shortly. I dont want to carry on feeling like this, Shes my mum at the end of the day, I'll always treat her with respect but at the same time I feel deep down inside I hate her for allowing this to happen to me and my sister. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 "I'll always treat her with respect"
Honey, you're a better person than your mother by giving her a respect she doesn't deserve. That being said, you cannot change her, or take any responsibility for the choices she makes. The best you can do for yourself is to take responsibility for the choices that you make. And I believe that a choice available to you is to create a safe place where you and your sister can heal. You already know that this safe place does not exist while you live with your mother.
Finally, after all the healing, there is a simple but difficult act you could perform to find peace in your life. It is forgiveness. But you cannot forgive until you are ready to let the negative energy go. And forgiveness will not depend on what your mother does or does not do - you CANNOT change her. You can only change yourself into a person that is at peace, and the act of forgiveness is necessary on that path to peace. But only when you are ready. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I don't blame you for resenting your mother and you shouldn't, either. She was an accomplice to your abuse and her own by sitting with crossed hands, while she had the power to stop the abuse and hand him over to the police.You probably wish you admired her, all children like to look up to their parents but you cannot and this is probably one more reason you have to resent her, apart from your bad memories. Childhood is a wonderful time for many but it wasn't for you. It is hard not to wish to have a close and trusting relationship with your own mother. Unfortunately you have to come to terms with the fact this is not possible as you are much higher up above. This is probably a limit in her views and judgement. Nothing can explain her choices and lack of action when it comes to what she could have been able to do for her children but the fact she is a very messed up individual, this is what you must accept, however harsh it sounds. You can still talk to her always if you wish so but I advise you that you don't try to raise her to occupy a bigger place in your life, she simply won't be able to fill it, this is who she is, as LazyGuy says. Surround yourself with quality people and find comfort in the fact you will use the best of your abilities to be the best mother that you can be to your children, whom you will protect from all harm and evil, and that includes their grandparents. You are have a good head on your shoulders, I have no doubt you can beat this and move forward in life. PS: Please read about how child-victims of abuse are affected in life, choices and relationships so you can have successful relationships as an adult and aspire to what is best for yourself.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 It takes two to tango. This is often forgotten when it comes two abusive relationships. It takes two.
There are usually reasons why the abused stays, why beaten wives stay with wife-beaters or with mothers with the abusers of their children.
One of them you got yourself, there is a certain attraction to the victim role. Everybody feels sorry for you and you can blame someone else for everything that is wrong. For instance: "She ain't a bad mother, she is just a victim of her husband."
It can also be more "practical", a similar case to you had to mother allow the sexual abuse to avoid the shame of a divorce. Her being married was worth her daughters abuse.
Part of all this is that you dad ain't the only one who is evil here. To invoke Godwin, your dad is the camp guard, your mother, the baker who feeds him and looks the other way. You have dark evil and the evil that is grey, the administrator who typed the list of the people to be gassed.
Your mother doesn't abuse you, directly, but by not stepping in, she is part of it. To her, your abuse does simply matter enough.
This will probably very hard to accept, we are so raised with the idea of a mothers love for her children that it is hard to come to terms with a mother who just doesn't care.
She might have an image in her mind of the life she and her family are leading and she doesn't want anything to upset that. It doesn't have to be a perfect image (to you) but it is the world she has helped create.
And frankly, there is not much point in trying to analyze. Sometimes people just ain't nice. Call it a lack of morals or empathy.
For you, you need to accept that your mother is who she is and that there is little you can do about this. People say to hate is wrong, but it isn't. Hate makes us fight injustice and evil.
She is your mum at the end of the day. No. She isn't. A mum protects her children, that is what a mum does. She carried you inside for 9 months and that was it. It is not the Oprah Winfrey answer but it is the one that works. You don't have to get along with her, or forgive her. She has after all made no amends for her crimes. And a crime she did commit, neglect of a child and the allowance of abuse for her own personal gains.
Say that you pretend everything is alright. What then? Someday you might have kids themselves and kids stay with their grandparents don't they? Will she protect them against their grandfather?
It is very sad that your grew up with abuse and neglect but this happens, you need to deal with it by accepting that your parents just ain't nice people.
There is another risk, if you feel sympathy for her, you might try to become understanding of her and as a victim of abuse you are all to much at risk of repeating the mistakes.
After all might her own justification not be "He is my husband at the end of the day".
You treat her with respect. Why? Doesn't respect have to earned anymore?
But she is my mum. Yeah, that is how this kind of things happens, "but he is my husband."
Hate her for what she is and what it has allowed to happen and move on by putting her and what happened in the past. It is as said not the nice cuddly answer, it is the hard difficult answer, the hard difficult choice your mother didn't dare to make, she didn't choose to hate her husband for what he did to her kids. You know the results.
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