A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my husband years ago and we were friends for 9 years prior to starting a relationship. When we were first together we had sex all of the time, like every day. Once we moved in together of course the sex slowed down. We both have small children, and are a blended family of six. I know, we're busy and stressed 90% of the time. We both work full time, and have very busy schedules. Perfect killer for a libido. I took it in stride and was understanding because we were both stressed, but was concerned about our sex life in the back of my mind. After a couple of years of living together, he proposed. I was ecstatic, and we got married although our sex life was continuing to dwindle over the time. He's a WONDERFUL man, WONDERFUL father, and WONDERFUL husband, but I feel as though we have a major lacking in sexual intimacy. I've put on a little weight (okay so 30 lbs isn't a little I guess), and in the past he's expressed that he thinks that may be the reason his desire has gone down. Now of course he says he was wrong, and he's just stressed. This of course leads me to doubt him and myself. In the past six months or so, it seems as though we've gotten into a pattern. I want him, he SAYS he wants me, but never acts on it. It basically boils down to once a month or so I break down in frustration, we fight about the lack of sex, have make up sex, and start the whole pattern again. I've recently just gotten to the point where I feel I'm over it. I've asked him what I can do, and he says he's just not in the mood. I've asked him to seek medical help, he says he'll consider it, then nothing. He's asked me to maybe initiate things more. I try, but he has a desk job and as embarrassing as it is, doesn't shower at least every other day. He doesn't smell bad, but I've told him this bugs me and curbs my desire to initiate something when I don't know how long it's been since he's showered. Again, nothing changed.I'm at my wits end. I love my husband very much, but my desire for him feels completely gone. I don't even WANT to approach him anymore, I don't want him to touch me now, and am very concerned considering only our first anniversary is coming up. We're supposed to be going away for our anniversary, and I don't even want to. I don't WANT to be intimate anymore. I don't want any added pressure or expectations. I'm just so frustrated. How can our marriage last like this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):
It will not last for long.
I think you both need a major overhaul.This is not going away with a two day get away.This is a major rut.
Watch out.You are a number 1 candidate for an affair.
Intamacy is the life blood of a relationship.If he is into porn his energy for you is being diverted into a fantasy world robbing you of much needed attention.This like a tourniquet cutting off the life blood.
In some people low self esteem can fuel a negative perception in their life.Like those bulimic people see themselves as fat when they are really skinny.Another words he could say "you are beautiful" and you hear "you are ugly".It called filters in psychology.It gets complicated.
I would get to a good therapist asap before this blows up.
Most men need to learn how to meet a womens emotional needs it just doesn't come naturally.The trick is to get the guy to want to.Being sexy is pretty good incentive.
A
female
reader, beentheretoo +, writes (13 December 2009):
Been there.
First off, get him checked for being pre-diabetic and high cholesterol. Both absolutely affect his ability to perform and his desire. And once a guy isn't able to be very "firm" if you will, two things can happen, he can lose his confidence, and/or he can just not feel that attracted to what ever did not "do" it for him, whatever did not get him that aroused. It starts a TERRIBLE vicious circle.
Second off, don't demean him no matter what, there's a reason why they call it emascualting.
Thirdly, get sexy for you. So YOU feel sexy in your own skin. Guys naturally are drawn to a chase, even married in love guys. Unless they've been rebuffed, feel unwanted, unsexy, unacceptable, they want a chase. If they are mad or hurt, they won't chase.
If you can trigger the chase, he will get his act to gether and start being sexy for you.
As long as underlying health issues and bad arguments haven't completely made him feel too burned to even try.
He loves you. Yay!!
You love him. This can soooo work out.
Just go on sweeet dates, make each other feel lucky to have the other and don't get involved with anyone else! That would be the worse. Just the guilt alone could ruin any chance of recovery.
Make sure you are both healthy.
And be your sexy selves.
If he already has mental blocks to even trying, try to get him to a counselor that uses short term, solution oriented, direct treatment. And there is a thing called EFT "Emotional Freedom Technique" that my husband's counselor used along with counseling and it made changes in his mindset last.
Good luck. Don't let the difficult ruin the good. Be your sexy selves and have fun. Life is too short to act like brother and sister and unless it is truly a mutually agreed upon situation, BIG trouble could sneak into that crack left open from being married but not acting married.
Hugs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input everyone.. We're going to go away for the weekend next month and I guess we'll see where it goes from there. With these issues that have been slowly getting worse over about the past two years, it's just hard to think things will suddenly change when we've talked it over forwards and backwards at least 100 times.. We've tried making it NOT such an issue, and that hasn't worked either. There's just never any follow through. I know I have issues of my own with self consciousness and insecurity. Maybe I need to get some therapy of my own as well. Like I said, I love him with all my heart and want to do whatever I can to fix things. He's perfect for me in every way except this one and I just feel like "the thrill is gone". I'm just so tired of feeling undesirable. I guess time will tell. Thanks again everyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): Sex is important to a marriage; otherwise, you're roommates. Make time -- at least 1x or 2x a week -- cripes, it doesn't have to take long -- but sex cements a marriage and leads to complications when there is a lack of sex, particulalry for men. As for the porn, get off his back. Sounds like you have sexless marriage, and he needs to relieve himself now 'n again - it's not a big deal. If you feel so bad about it, shut your yap, and take care of your man in bed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): You both need to take a couple of days off work, have someone look after the kids [maybe one of your parents] and then either go away for a couple of days, or spend some time at home with him. Make it worth his while, if you love him so much, you will FIND the time even if you don't have it. Work together, not against each other.
Buy an outfit that will knock the socks off him, and make him realise that your better than any porn he is looking at!
Go for it and enjoy it =] good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not home all the time. We both work 40+ hr work weeks. We have talked about it many times but it just seems to get more strained. My appetite and his lack of has resulted in my entertaining myself alone if you will. I felt bad in the beginning because I felt we should be doing something together. I talked to him about it and asked if maybe we could try that together so there isn't some kind of wall put up or something. We tried it a few times but it definitely wasn't exciting. If anything it was awkward/uncomfortable and I could tell by his physical response (or lack there of and I'm not just talking arousal) that he wasn't feeling it.
Part of me feels he's looking at porn again as this was a problem in the past, but he swears he isn't. Granted he swore that before too.. I just don't know what else it could be unless I just truly am the most undesirable woman in the world.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (15 March 2009):
 Maybe going away will spark something again. If you are at home all the time with the kids, in your routine it is very easy for your relationship to get stagnant.
I advise going on this break, and having some quality time relaxing and talking together and take it from there.
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