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female
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anonymous
writes: I wrote asking for help a while ago..i was having an "emotinal affair"(flirting kissing but nothing more,definately no sex)with a friend of my husbands and mine. My "Lover" and I had an opportunnity lately to take things further but although we were so tempted and gave in to a little heavy petting we still did not have sex.After much discussion we agreed to not carry the "affair" on.i realised finally that ten years of marriage to a wonderful man who has always truly loved me and a stable relationship in which i was happy(95% of the time)was worth more than an occassional clandestine meeting.Fantastic outcome you may say but heres the problem..we all occassionally go out together in a group(theres about 8 of us)and although there has never been any sign that anything ever happened between us or ever will again we still end up texting and being flirty towards each other.It has got me so confused because although i am happy with the decision to stop seeing each other ,i still get excited when my phone rings and i see that it is a text from him!!Then i cant stop thinking what it would be like to see him again and that maybe this time we might give in totally!!i will never be in a position that i would be able to cut all ties with him but any advice you have for helping me to control my feelings would be so welcome.Help me to be the wonderful loving wife my husband deserves (and thought i was) again.I love him sooo much and i could not bear life without him.He is My Love and My Life.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (24 June 2006):
 Honey, nothing happened, yet you are beating yourself up! I commend you for understanding what you stand to lose. You climbed the fence, looked over... and saw the abyss. Then you jumped off the fence, not over it, and landed firmly on your side. Well done, I say.
There are people that you will meet in life that will give you that thrill when they contact you. I count myself very lucky to have such people in my life. Now, I have no romantic relationships with any of these people (except for one), but I love them all with a love that goes beyond friendship. Some people call these platonic relationships, but I prefer to use the cumbersome term kindred spirit relationship.
Once the lust passes, you and your friend may discover that you have a kindred spirit relationship. I don't have any easy words to help you get over these romantic feelings you have for him. You said that you are happy with your marriage 95% of the time. You should find out what is contained in that other 5%. There is something missing in your marriage, and you have let this gap occupy your thoughts 100% of the time - this is why you have romantic feelings for the other guy. Once you reconcile the gap, you might be able to get your feelings under control.
If it helps, I know personally what you are going through, and the process of reconciling the gap is really tough. It is all the more difficult when the entire problem is in your head, i.e. you are keeping it from your spouse. In my case, I had a perfectionistic view on marriage, so it really bothered me that I wasn't 100% happy, 100% of the time. I came to realize that I was holding my most important relationship to an impossible standard. Yes, my wife does not bridge every gap in my life, but no one ever will, and I hope my change in attitude will only make my marriage stronger. Perhaps you are holding your marriage to the same impossible standard that I once did.
Finally, I think you are on the right path, but you haven't yet confronted your perspective on your marriage and come to a satisfactory resolution. This is the challenge that stands between you and a stronger marriage. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): I think that you are in lust with this guy. Either way you should break it off with him before anything bad happens.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (23 June 2006):
 I feel for you in this istuation, honestly I do. You nearly went all the way to the other side to find out if the grass is greener, then you came back. But because you *gave in* in this way you are now over-harshly judging yourself and your ability to be a good wife to your husband. First, in order to move on you ahve to frogive yourself for what you did. This does not mean torture yourself or repeatedly beat yourself up with *what I have done, or what might have happened* but REALLY forgive yourself for your momentary loss of judgement. We all make mistakes and you have been very brave to admit yours honestly and openly.
If you forgive yourself then your relationship will heal over time. PM me if you ever want to chat.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): The fact that you recognize that this type of thinking is unhealthy for your marriage and your future, is a great step in the right direction. You bet that your marriage and the happiness of your family and loved ones are worth a lot more than a random stab at infidelity. By continuing this, you know how much you have to lose and the costs are monumental. So firstly, stop all this-immediately. The texting, the phone calls...the flirting. You feel excitement around this man because your 'ego and self-esteem' needs massaging. So what does that say about 'you'? Just because he is nice and shows an interest in you, doesn’t mean he has anything but a sexual interest in you. What I can’t comprehend is why you are desperate to have your worthiness validated over a man who flirts with you and wants to bed you. And this is your problem, hun...you own it, so you fix it. You say your marriage is wonderful-you love your husband. Perhaps you should deep in your heart and look at your husband with more compassion and make a cleacut decision to put your own wants and needs on the backburner and recommit yourself to your marriage. This other guy doesn't love you, dear...he just wants a 'piece'. He's bored with his own situation and he's looking to you to fill a need and scratch his itch. Stop all of this today. You stand to lose sooo much. I hope you make the best decision for your marriage and family. A lot rests on your shoulders. Do the right thing. and really, really use your head. Good luck.
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