A
female
age
41-50,
*unshine99
writes:Long story. I have fallen for a guy at work. He feels the same and we are in love. I have been married 18 months and everything was fine until this guy came along. It isn't infatuation - I know how being in love feels. I think of this guy 24/7 and he does me too. I started as harmless fun but now it is serious. My husband drinks and doesn't trust me at all. This causes arguments and he is really annoying me to the point that I wished I'd never got married and was single again. I think I still love my husband but I am so confused. I don't want to leave my husband but I want this other guy so bad. This is driving me crazy. Any advice from anyone is the same or similar situation would be great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): You should probably put yourself in your husbands shoes! How would you feel? The easy part is getting married but it takes alot of work, communication, loyalty and honesty to keep it together and make it work! Maybe you should talk to your husband and see how he feels!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): You have been married 18 months "and everything was fine until this guy came along".....hmmmmm?
You are not in love with this guy at work because you know what it feels like.....love is not based on feelings alone, you used to have this feeling for your husband, but there are stages to love, and the first is called infatuation, the next is attachment, and then somewhere along the way there is commitment to real and lasting love....which feels a whole lot calmer than the first or second stage of romance....you are in the real ane lasting love stage with your husband, he is supposed to be your soft place to fall after you do battle with the world, and in fact he still is...
All, you are doing is running from making a commitment to putting your husband and your marriage first, for the little endorphin rush that you get with physical attraction and having your ego stroked, and instead of behaving like an adult who has control over their own emotions and behavior, you are giving into your impulses like a little kid in a candy store....There are two men here in this triangle who are going to get hurt because you lack strength of character.
Any time you put something of equal status to the focus of your marriage, it is called triangulation, and because of that lack of focus, you are turning away from your primary relationship, so of course that relationship is going to suffer, of course it is going to feel less important and real to you, because your attention is somewhere else....you aren't being fair to yourself either.
You are also going to screw up your career if you have one by playing with this guy from work while you are married, everyone will know eventually, people aren't dumb, they pick up on sexual tension pretty guick and you are going to be the topic at the rumor mill, and you won't be seen in a positive light (you little hussy)....so if it is advice you are seeking, it is this.....get yourself to a marriage counselor, quick, and if your husband is developing a drinking problem, he needs to quit, and you need to tell him his but will be out on the curb, if he does not stop, but that said, you need to stop drinking too if you do, so that he can quit, and you can stop enabling him by putting up with it, but that is a whole other topic isn't it?
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 July 2007):
 Let's get one thing straight, this type of thing never starts as harmless fun. It starts as people stroking each others senses, playing the game. Often, one of the players is not married and has nothing to lose. For that person it's fun. It's like fishing for trout, out of season. You're not supposed to do it but it's fun. For the married person,it's the first ingredient in the recipe for deceit and adultery. What you need to do is cut all ties with the guy from work.
You say your husband doesn't trust you. Well, he's got good reason to feel that way. You're cheating on him !! You're carrying on with another guy. You're thinking about looking good at work for the other guy, not your husband. Maybe your husband picked up a vibe that something is wrong. Maybe you're spending extra time on the telephone, spending too much time getting pretty for work, making excuse to spend more time at work etc....Let's face reality, your husband is correct. Instead of fanning the fire of love at home, you're trying to spark another one at work.
The guy at work deserves no consideration and you should not be friends. He is not looking for a buddy and you are aware of that. Having that knowledge, you should make the respectable choice to keep clear of him. You owe that to your marriage. Don't try to fool yourself into thinking you can handle it as a friend ship. You already failed at that. People are weak and give in to temptation....ALL THE TIME. Just read some of the questions on this site and you'll agree. This is the typical recipe for disaster.
This part is important. Some of the other replies mention the word respect. It is used in the context of the third person respecting the others marriage and you're decision about how to proceed. I'd argue that the third player in this game doesn't know anything about respect. If you have respect for someones marriage, you keep your thoughts and actions to yourself. That is respect. In reality, the third person should not be there in the first place, his opinion is at the bottom of the list. Giving a married person clues that you're interested in playing the game should never happen if a person has morals or integrity.
Let's assume you leave your husband for this other guy. You marry him, get a new job, and meet another great guy. Based on your track record, you're now going to cheat on hubby two. If we take all the misplaced logic you're using now and use it again, you'll move from guy to guy until you realize it's a hollow way to live. There will always be nice people who come and go. Marriage is about so much more than initial attraction. It's about time, love and teamwork, not just you.
In closing, do the right thing. This guy at work has absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage, your husband , kids etc. He only thought about himself and knew he was going into any area he was not entitled to visit. At this point you are asking a question, I'm assuming you still have some respect for you husband. You are treating him like a fool though. Every minute you spend dreaming about the other guy is time spent away from what is really important.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (1 July 2007):
 If you feel you don't love your husband anymore then you have got to be upfront and honest with him and tell him how you feel.
Im in a similar sort of situation in the work place that involves a married women, although i do have complete respect that she is married, and were anything to happen would have to be on her terms. I think about her 24/7, and know she does me also, its all driving me nuts so i know how you feel.
Be certainly sure that this is love and not just a five minute lust thing before you go throwing in your marriage.
All the best x
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