A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am seriously thinking about leaving my husband. I wish I could discuss this with my friends, but I can't do it without divulging certain details from my husband's life. Not only I do not want to do it, I firmly believe I don't have the right to do it.We've been together for 16 years, married for 11. As many couples we had our ups and downs. So for the most part, I can say that the problems we had could be regarded as a part of the normal life.Now, looking back I can say that there were some red flags (I'll get to them), but honestly, when things were happening I just didn't give them the impportance they, as it turned out, deserved.From a fairly normal relationship, and later on a marriage, I slowly plunged into an abusive one. This "slowly" part is important because I always thought that some things were just isolated incidents and that they were caused by stress, like sudden yelling and disproportionate reactions to pretty small problems. We moved to north Europe, where we didn't know anybody and it didn't help. At least not me. I started to become more and more isolated and in a way it suited him. In a way this move was also an outter trigger that brought the worse fron an already bad situation.Two years into our marriage and 7 (yes SEVEN) into our relationship I discovered by accident that my husband has been taking anti-anxiety meds. I was shocked and wondered why he hadn't told me. It turned out that it was going on since well before we had met - so he had been hiding the truth from the start. I can't explain how stunned I was. He finally told me that he had been having serious psychological problems since his teenage years and that he developed significant problems with communication and developed obsessions. The meds were sometimes prescribed by a doctor and more often than not he was self-medicating. He never used the meds for recreational purposes, only to take of the edge before meetings at his office or occasional meetings with friends that stressed him out. I helped him find a shrink a start therapy.Nine years later (I am always shocked when I confront this piece of information) and nothing is really getting better. He's been seeing a shrink, has tried several approches and nothing improved his social anxiety or his agression. I've been supportive and without my intention I put my life on hold solving his problems, because there is always something. I don't regret it. But I am going to if I do not change something. Life is passing me by. There are some things I feel I need to do, like apply for adoption, but I know that with him being this ill, having a child would be unfair to the child in the first place, my husband who is unable to be a pârent and myself who would take on all the burden. We have discussed everything thousand times and he is aware of everything, but just can't help himself, because he is ill. We define some ground rules on how to share workload and be respectful to each other and the moment he meets with a challenge, everything goes out the window. I am the one doing everything that needs to be done (paying bills, writing emails to family and friends, shopping, cooking, chores around the house, seeing a lawyer...) and he allows himself to yell at me, call me names, break things. He knows that what he's doing is wrong at the very moment he's doing it, but he can't help himself (or doesn't want to) and always apologizes later. He knows that he treats me this way because I love him and that I would understand. Honestly, I do not know if I would have married him if I had noticed the red flags when we started dating or living together. And I'm having hard time really getting over the fact that he deliberatly hid his ilness from me that has so negatively affected both of our lives. The problem is that apart from his ilness he is an honest, decent person. He takes care of people, helps them if he can. We are constructive and support each other. He used to be funny too, he used to laugh as well but all of these positive behaviors are now a memory. These red flags... Whenever he would take a raincheck on seeing friends, going to a party etc. I just thought he didn't feel like it at that moment. Whenever he would show certain types of anti-social (I don't know if that's the riht word) behavior like refusing to participate in giving and accepting gifts I would see a reason for it in his previous life (his family was poor, I mean really poor). Whenever I would see what I now regard as a pretty serious obsessive behaviour, I would write it off as him being tidy. Whenever he would become resentful because he felt disrespected by let's say a clerk in teh post-office, I thought that he as having a bad day. Maybe I was blind maybe I didn't want to see... I don't know. But that other side of the coin has been draining my life-energy. This tidyness hides his obsession with perfection (he freaks if he sees a minor scratch on his coat, car, shoe, wall...) and if I happen to damage anything by accident all hell breaks lose now. His "I don't feel like seeing people" behavior hides fear and resentment towards them. The moment I question some of his decisions I am an enemy and he either yells or gives me the silent treatment. In both cases conversation and finding common ground is impossible. The worst comes if he feels that I have somehow betrayed him, which usually means that I haven't loughed loud enough on his jokes in front of other people or I disagreed with him on something unimportant like "Can tofu replace meat?" I simply can't say none of this to my friends. I would feel like I am betrying him for real. His illness is his secret. If I leave him I'd tell him we just grew apart, tried to fix our marriage and it didn't work out. They do see that in the past years I have become distant, isolated and yes even depressed. I tell them that I worry about financial situation, problems at work etc. which is true, but is not th emost important problem. What they don't know is that I stopped doing things I enjoyed for I anticipate his reaction or simply because I am drained. I turn down invitations just because he doesn't want to go. When I do accept them, like once I went alone to a wedding, I have to lie on his behalf: He is out of town, he's down with flu... And it burdens me because then I have tpo remember what I said to them... I just wish I could tell the truth. But the moment I tell the truth will be the moment I decide to leave him. I'm not saying I would give details on his life and ilness just stop lying and say "He did feel like coming". I wrote this, I guess, asking you for your impartial opinion... I really need some sound advice. I've read some questions on similar topic, but I couldn't find the one that described my dilemma so well... I also admit that I do not my freinds to see me as a victim. I am not victimized. Since he told me the truth I have stayed because I wanted to. Now I am not sure it is still the case even though I love him and care for him.Thanx for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2015): When I read the title I thought by illness that you meant he has cancer and you were fishing it hard to deal with. However after reading what you wrote... it seems that your husband has behaviour issues that he was clearly able to manage at the start of your relationship. It sounds like he now takes you for granted and shouts and abuses you... I personally think he uses his illness as an excuse to treat you this way. You need to think about you and your own happiness now...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2015): In sickness and in health?
but you have to consider your health as well.
Do you need some respite, to have a clear space in your head to think about your life?
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