A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am having some really hard thoughts about my marriage and no one seems to understand. I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 8 years but we got married this summer (August 19th 2021). We live in his parents house. I was studying for 4 years of our relationship and this ended in June this year. So i have had a lot going on. Now it has all calmed down I am unsure if i even love my husband or if i was just so consumed by university and planning a wedding (all my friends are getting married) that i got wrapped up in the moment and dont know if i actually love him. He is my best friend but everything he does at the moment annoys me, he has no friends, no hobbies. He goes to work and comes home that is all. He tells me frequently that im his only friend, he never wants me to leave him. He makes me feel bad when i have plans that dont involve him and he will message or call me constantly when i am not with him. I have asked him to stop and to give me my space but he will not. I dont know what im meant to do. My parents don't want me to end things with him because they are worried about how it will make them look (they havent said this but they are the perfect couple in both their familes and god forbid one of their children gets divorced). My dad told me today that if i divorce my partner i will die alone and this has made me really sad. Everyone i speak to apart from my sister and auntie seem to be siding with him and i cant help but feel sorry for him. He is lovely and does little things that most people would find sweet but these things just make me feel controlled and that he thinks i am incapable of doing things for myself.I guess my question is does it sound like a rut that we can work through or do you think i should end the relationship? I dont know what else to do. It is all becoming too much for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): You are still very young and there is plenty of time to start again and be with someone new. You won't end up alone and, in any case, it's about time that people stopped using this against women in order to control them - the amount of times I've heard reports (and had it said to me) 'You'll end up alone' as if this is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a woman ie. life without a man. For goodness' sake, we women really do need to learn to take pride in ourselves and ENJOY being alone, not fear it and not have it held over us.
For your Dad to say things like this to you suggests to me that he knows exactly how to control you and emotionally manipulate you. And I also know exactly what happens when parents pay for your wedding - they take over, and it ends up being their wedding, with you only being an actor for their fantasies and their big party for the whole family so that they can show off.
I don't think you care that much about appearances, you have been manipulated by your parents from a very young age into caring about appearances and doing what they want. Your partner is a younger version of them most likely - already sensing how to guilt trip you, how to put the reins on and control you.
One life, that's all you have. Get out of the marriage now and also get some counselling - professional, not NHS - to help you to see the pattern of coercion and control that you are in and that was laid out initially by your parents. NHS counselling is only really designed to keep people in work and off benefits, it won't help all that much with a problem like this, even if your doctor allowed you to have it which they probably won't due to funding cuts. Get professional counselling and pay for it yourself. You are NOT selfish. Immature maybe - but it sounds like that's because your parents and now your husband keep manipulating you and have since you were a kid.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 October 2021):
 OP, you write in one of your replies:
"Im scared to walk away in case its the wrong choice. I dont want to end up alone."
Wouldn't you rather be ALONE than miserable with someone?
I can fully understand feeling obligated to getting married when it's being paid for by others, looked forward to by others, and perhaps at that point in time YOU were also looking forward to it.
What I think a lot of people ignore is the fact that a wedding changes nothing SUBSTANTIAL (for the most part) about a relationship. Some just think that once they are married everything will work out, but marriages like relationships, friendships, and family interactions all take work and effort.
My advice would be to sit him down and ask him to do some marriage counseling with you. Then find a NEUTRAL counselor. If you belong to a church they can perhaps help you find one, if you don't you will have to look around for one.
Figure out what you NEED from him and have him figure what he needs from you. Find a compromise. Get him to get off the X-box and just go for a walk, a drive, or a movie with you.
If you make plans with friends maybe include him SOMETIMES. Definitely encourage him to make friends of his own too. And set some boundaries with the whole - contact texting you if you go out with friends. Let him know WHO you are with, where you are going and when you think you will be home. Let him know that you WILL NOT be made to feel guilty for having a social life and you will not be on the phone with him while out with friends.
Same when you go visit your parents. He knows where you are, who you are with, and when you will be home. He doesn't need an hourly (or whatnot) text from you. And YOU need to accept that it's OK for you to go see your parents and sister and you should NOT feel guilty for that.
He might BE "a mistake". He might not be the right guy for you long-term. But you really won't know unless you give it a good shot.
My husband and I did marriage counseling even though the marriage was working just fine, we were offered the program and thought well, why not? We did learn some good "housekeeping" tips, better budgeting, how to "fight" fairly etc. So we DID learn something.
The grass isn't always greener elsewhere - the grass is greener where it's watered and taken care of. So take care of your lawn (marriage) and doing that takes work, effort, and commitment.
And marriage/couples counseling is a good way to tell your partner what you need in a way that they can easily accept and understand. It can help to have that neutral 3rd person in there to guide the two of you.
Try it, see if that helps.
And if this just isn't working out, you NEED to work on being fully independent (that means your parents aren't going to take care of you too). To be able to live on your own and do "your" thing. Perhaps look into doing some extra courses to improve your "hire ability".
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the 'non-judgy'anonymous helper: Thank you! Thank you for understanding and not just picking me apart. thank you for your honesty and advice.
I get that a lot too, when i am out or staying at my parents i get all the messages asking when im home and saying that he misses me and then he makes me feel bad. He told me the other day he didnt think i was ever going to come home when i told him i was staying at my parents for the weekend (my sister suffers with severe anxiety and needed help).
This is exactly how i felt, as soon as the wedding was paid for (2 months before the wedding) i felt really trapped and I didnt know if this was a normal feeling so I went through with it and now i regret it.
I do feel as though i would be settling staying in this relationship but he makes me feel bad for him whenever i try to even discuss this with him. He will cry and make me feel bad and say things like 'but i love you' 'but my parents love you theyve never loved anyone ive been with like they love you' 'i might quit my job if you leave me because i will be too sad' 'i would have no one if i didnt have you'. Its a lot of pressure and yes i may be selfish and as everyone on here says i may need to 'grow up' but this is a lot of pressure for me.
Thank you for your story, it is nice to know that im not in this alone and that other people have been through this. It seems many people on here have not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2021): You are selfish and self absorbed OP. I am sorry but it needs to be said.You seem to be all about appearances. And you are also shallow. And moreover, you are incredibly immature and indecisive and want the easy way out, without putting in the work and effort on a COMMITMENT you made. You held onto your husband for 8 years, for purely selfish reasons, I suspect and now you no longer need him? Or love him? How does that just happen suddenly? You are blaming him for things you knew about him all along, and still decided to say yes to his marriage proposal? He is the same man you chose to spend your life with. He seems to have it together. Even though he has no hobbies or friends, at least he knows what he wants. At least he is committed to you. At least he has a job and is working. Some men are dead beats. At least he treats you well and does sweet things. Don't you think you should consider yourself LUCKY? There are a lot of women who would appreciate a man like this, and if you let him go, someone will scoop him up easily. Attentive, loyal and good hearted men are hard to find these days. How about looking at all the positive and not listing all the (baseless, superficial, wrong) reasons to leave an 8 year relationship? People like you are the reason marriages no longer last these days. It is all about ME, and not all about WE.I suggest you TALK to your husband. Let him in on all you have said here. We are just a bunch of stranger on the internet. You need to go to him, not us. Give your husband a chance to fix this, and to work on whatever he needs to work on to make himself fulfilled and then to make you and your relationship fulfilled. It looks like he may need a little help to step outside his shell. If he does not know what the problem is, how can he ever step up to the plate? I strongly suggest you talk to him. I strongly suggest marriage counselling. Do everything you need to do to make this work. Many couples who have had problems or any sort have turned things around with a little understanding and communication, and sometimes professional intervention. It does not even sound like you know what you want or are sure of yourself. Do not throw away an 8 year relationship based on uncertainty. You don't just run. Relationships are HARD and they require work and compromise. Do not blind side your husband. It is obvious that he loves you. I also think that you need to get out of his parent's house and have your own home. You need to both start living life as a couple, without parents having such a big influence. In this case, they are smothering you as a couple and you feel like children instead of a real couple, and this can cause you to feel suffocated. Your husband can work on his issues with therapy as well if he feels too insecure or perhaps he is not the social type. But compromises can be found. Where there is love, there is hope. I think it is far too soon to throw away this marriage. You both have a history and there is a reason you stayed with him for 8 years. It seems you need to find the spark again and do some work, both individually, and as a couple. My own relationship of 8 years seemed to be going downhill for awhile. But I love him, and he loves me. We went through therapy and I am going through individual therapy. I smothered my partner because of past insecurities and anxiety issues. But we have been completely honest with ourselves and each other. And we have worked through it. I got help. And are now stronger than ever. Sure, we all want to bail sometimes, but when the going gets tough, you try harder.I do believe that your parental involvement in your marriage is causing undue strain. Perhaps he feels it too? Ask him how he is feeling. Ask him. Maybe you both are feeling that their involvement is too much. You cannot get inside your husband's head and say with certainty what he is feeling. He is an individual person and a whole person on his own. Maybe he has some stress or some issues he needs help with? Maybe they have nothing to do with you? Stop creating a narrative for us to feel sorry for you and give you a green light to leave this marriage. At the end of the day, you can blame your parents, or your husband or whatever else. But you need to get to the bottom of things. Why are you feeling this way? You can only do this by being honest with your husband and approaching the subject with love and sensitivity. Work on this TOGETHER. You will be surprised how your mind set will change once you become a team with your husband. I also think you need to cut the apron strings with your parents and confide less in them about your relationship. It really is none of their business. Wishing the both of you well.This is not fair to your husband. He truly loves you and does not deserve this treatment.Ever think that your parents don't want you to get divorced because it would be the wrong choice? Maybe they like your husband and maybe they feel you will have a better life with your husband? You are making some pretty big assumptions here, all to fit your OWN narrative!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): Rather than replying to you in the judgey fashion that some others have, I take the complete opposite view.I was in a similar situation, with my partner for 6 years, he is a great guy, everyone told me how wonderful he was and how much he doted on me but again, he had no friends and was totally reliant on me. I’m quite a social person and he used to make me feel bad for making any plans, or even if he didn’t make me feel bad before I went, I’d get the messages asking how long til I was home etc etc. I even pulled him up on it a few times and said I felt controlled to which he replied that he just missed me so much and hated the thought of us being apart or losing me.I stuck with it because he was a good man with a lot of good ways and like I said, friends and family etc constantly told me what a great catch he was.Then he proposed. I accepted but suddenly felt very trapped and really had to question what I wanted. I knew then that I would only be settling for this man. He was undeniably a great man but he wasn’t the man for me. I very reluctantly ended things 20 months ago. I can honestly say I have never doubted my decision. I’ve not moved on with anyone else but I’m happy on my own and needed that time to find myself.You have to do what’s right for you. Whilst I think problems like this in some situations can be overcome, from what you say in your message I think you’d be better off out of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was the same person but I don't think I noticed if that makes sense. When we first got together he was always with friends, going to the pub, fishing, spending time with his family etc. but that doesn't happen anymore. Everyone annoys him, his closest friend annoyed him for no reason so he cut him off.
I went ahead with the marriage because my parents were paying for it, my nan was excited to see her youngest child have a child get married. I think i guilted myself into it. and i feel terrible for doing it but i didnt realise until it was too late.
I have spoken to him about this numerous times and he doesnt like people - people annoy him, people dont like him, he is all alone except for me. I think he thinks this is being sweet but it just makes me feel trapped and that if i leave i will be ruining his life.
Im scared to walk away in case its the wrong choice. I dont want to end up alone.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 October 2021):
 So i am assuming that the 8 years you were together prior to getting married he was the same person he is now, still doing the same things, no hobbies, and minimal friends, and just work in his life. So i have to ask you why did you go ahead with the marriage knowing that your feelings where not 100% for him. I'm guessing that when you actually said i do you were harbouring doubts.
I don't think that you should of married him, as now if you want to bail out things are going to now get messy. If you did not marry him you could have just simply walked away.
Ok, we know we can't unscramble scrambled eggs, what is done is done.
You have two choices, you either stay and work on your marriage, maybe starting some hobbies together, or even getting him to start some hobbies of his own, or he could join some groups of people with similar interests where he could make his own friends.
Or you leave this marriage and walk away. At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you. You can't stay in a marriage just because your parents are worried it will ruin their reputation.
I think in your heart of hearts, or womens intuition you know what you should do here. By your own admission you say its all becoming too much for you. If you want to walk away from this marriage you have to do it because its the right thing for you. If you are not happy, and you rally can't envisage things getting any better then probably the best bet would be to now seek legal advice on getting a divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, thank you for your kindness, not judgement. It really means alot.
Both of our parents are way too involved, if my parents push the boundaries i will stand up for him. If his parents push the boundaries he just allows it.
We almost broke up three weeks ago and he has allowed his parents to think it was all because of me struggling with losing my identity so they keep on at me when he is not around.
I asked him out on a date three weeks ago we went for dinner and then bowling and we ended up arguing. He was supposed to plan the next date night - he did not. i feel like im talking to a brick wall, i keep asking for him to do the things i need to make this relationship work and he does it once and thinks it is sufficient.
I am currently working as a support worker which is not what i trained to do. I am a trained primary school teacher but struggling to get a job in that field.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 October 2021):
 You are a box filler.
Get boyfriend, check!
Move in, check!
Go to uni, Check!
Get degree, Check!
Get married, Check!
The problem is you think your boxes are all full. They are not. You are just dithering about filling the next one or two.
Get your own home.
Get a child.
Those are some pretty big steps. They can be a lot scarier than, holding a princess party. I don't see anything serious about your objections to your husband.
Here is what I see. His parents are too involved in your life. Your parents are too involved in your life. You aren't dating your husband enough. Before you check the whole marriage, see what working on those does.
Also what is your new post graduation job?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think ive worded this very well. i am very emotional and not really thinking straight.
yes i have been with him for 8 years. No i was busy with university and growing as person whilst for him he seemed to be losing himself. Im afraid i have outgrown him.
I didnt marry him to look good in front of my friends, i married him because I love him i am just unsure if i am in love with him.
I dont think that that is a fair thing to say. I am not acting like a pre-teen, i am a young woman who is scared that i have married the wrong person.
I was so wrapped up in university and planning a wedding i hadnt realised how far apart we had grown.
He has no friends, he has no hobbies but that is not the only issue. I cannot leave the house with my friends without him questioning me, i cant spend time with my friends or family without him making me feel guilty for doing something without him. EVERYONE needs space on their own, i cant even go for a wee without him questioning what im doing. I just need to breathe.
We have no fun together, he plays on his playstation whilst i watch TV on my laptop. we dont talk, ive tried to ask him to communicate with me and have date nights every week and this only lasted one week before we both stopped trying.
I think i should also add that he has sexually messaged other women on three different occasions - all of which i found out about because my sister dated his friend and she told me.
I am really struggling here and i really dont think your tone is appropriate a lot of people struggle after their wedding and i just needed some help. Im not a bad person, im just scared and i dont want to hurt him more in the long run.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 October 2021):
 I'm not sure I understand you. You were with this guy for 8 years, you decided to marry him and you got so busy planning the wedding that you don't know if you actually love him? I don't think this even makes sense! Did you marry him just to look good in front of your friends? Are you actually in the age of 26-29 because honestly, you sound like a pre-teen.
How can you get MARRIED to someone and then say, I was so wrapped up in planning the wedding that I don't know if I love them? I feel so sorry for your husband right now, you have no idea. This is as superficial as can get. None of your reasons for wanting to leave him are good enough. Him not having enough friends or giving you space, his doing sweet nothings for you... You're his new bride for God's sake!
This is what happens when people live in an age where they just want to impress and outdo others, have too much of everything and appreciate nothing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): Dont live your life for your parents. Do what is going to make YOU happy. They need to grow a backbone if they cant handle the idea that their daughter getting divorced will make them look bad.That said, I dont think your marriage has an insurmountable problem. Encourage your hubby to go out and meet some people, join some clubs etc. Go out with your friends and tell your hubby that you will not answer the phone while you are out (then just turn your phone off). Presumably you are only going out without him a couple of nights a week and not every day? If you go out one day with your friends, make an extra special effort the next day to do something nice with him, even if it's just watching one of his favourite movies, or buy him a chocolate bar on the way back so he knows he was in your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): You're not a kid anymore, but you do sound like one.You don't know what you want.What exactly is it that YOU do in life, besides being married an living with your in-laws?Your parents seem to be glad you found someone, beside them, to take care of you.You are completely dependant on your husband and his family and he seems to like that, given the fact that he has no one else in his life and you have nowhere to go and nothing to do. What you have is called a codependant relationship.Your husband is someone you have known for a very long time. It sounds as if you liked having someone around to fall back on while you were studying. Now, when the fun's over and the LIFE got serious you seem lost. You haven't grown up. Now... I have no idea if you should leave your husband or not, what I do know is that you must grow up asap. Otherwise, life - and no one in it - will ever live up to your expectations. When you start taking responsibility for yourself and act like a grown up, maybe your husband won't like you anymore. He sounds like someone who needs needy people. When you start having a real life of your own - and not just seeing friends/family and having fun - but work, career, goals, maybe he'll feel not needed. On the other hand, once you become an adult, you will know if you should stay or go.In other words...Cinderella, the party's over. You planned your wedding, married your "prince"... now grow up.
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