A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 7 years. Everything is wonderful till I oppose any of my husband's views. He has a terrible temper problem that he doesn't acknowledge. He gets really angry if I say anything that he thinks is not right. Whenever we fight (which is quite often these days) he says what he wants to, but doesn't let me have my say. As soon as he finishes what he has to say, he walks off/turns away. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am a 'moron'. He calls me all sorts of names and I feel really insulted. I, as a rule, never use any bad language. He is constantly comparing me to his mom which is the main reason for the fights. His mom stays with us and she is a wonderful person. She keeps the house and cooks, and I go to work. My husband says I should help her in the kitchen. I get really tired after work, I do whatever I can. I help the kid with his homework, lay the table, do the dishes. When I tell him that I am tired, he says I am 'faking it'- which gets me really angry. The rule he's made is, I should just shut up and not utter a word, just listen to what he has to say. Of late, he's started to hit me when he gets angry. He never hits me hard, but I feel really ashamed. He always apologizes afterward and we make up. I love him a lot and it hurts real bad when he behaves this way. I know he loves me too, he just has a really bad temper. I cannot talk to anyone about this. Can someone please suggest what I can do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dsnickety  +, writes (22 November 2008):
I am really sorry for what your going through. I grew up from the time I was 2-16 with a very abusive step Father. it was terrible. It was for the most part, verbal, but there was physical as well.. Pretty bad at times.
I'm telling you right now. If he is treating you this way and physically abusing you as well... HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!!! NEVER!!!! Those kind of men have zero respect. Either you have respect for Women and those around you or you don't, and he does not. This goes beyond anger issues. Get out. I know it's hard, but the fact that your saying that you love him after all the abuse? That tells me (and beleive me I know), you have "no" self esteem. And that is what abuse does to you. That is his goal... You don't love him.
Recently, I left my boyfriend of 3 years because of his short fuse and temper. Sometimes rage. He never hit me, but abuse is abuse. I did leave him at one point and told him I was not going back till he went to anger mgmt. He did, but it didn't do any good. It's a phsycolgy thing. Counting to ten is a band aid. There are underlying issues for anger.. Well? I left him for good. I told him when I was younger? I didn't have a choice, now I do. Goodbye.
If anything? You need to do it for your child. Take it from me.. I still have certain issues as a result of growing up in that atmosphere. Don't ruin your childs future..
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded. I talked to my husband a few days later when he was calm and he totally understood my point of view. He's trying to be nice and helpful. He has stopped making comparisions with his mother, and also stopped calling me names.
I am really glad this worked out.
He still does have an anger problem, though. But I have realized now that if I just keep quiet when he's angry, he calms down instantly, and sometime later I can always tell him what I feel. We have amicably resolved issues after that and are quite happy and in love.
Thanks again everyone for your suggestions and good wishes.
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female
reader, War +, writes (19 July 2008):
The only way your husband will ever change is... if you change. What I mean is, you have to look deep inside yourself and find out why you are allowing this man to abuse you. Not only is he abusing you, but you are both abusing your children. I'm not trying to be mean, because I did the same thing. I even wrote a book about it because I know there are women out there that are just like me. If you get strong and cause a diversion, like...when he gets mad and yells and carrys on, leave him and take the kids to your mothers or friends or whatever. Force him to get help or don't go back. But get yourself strong first. Get professional help. He will have to change if you change. If you allow the abuse he will keep doing it. It's up to you to change. Don't let him dictate you and your children's future. Because right now he is laying the foundation for your children to be just like him. If they don't grow up to be like him then they will most likely marry someone like him. These are learned behaviors that your children are enduring everyday. I know because I'm living the future of my wrong choices. It's not pretty and it won't get better. I'm still suffering from my adult son who is just like his dad. There is a ton of help out there. I don't know where you live but I assure you, you can find help. Do it for yourself before it escalates to the point you are in danger. When I was married to my ex I once over heard him planning my death. Don't be a statistic. Get help before it's too late. You don't want to live in this kind of lifestyle. There is hope and a good life to be lived. But it will happen you to take the first step. Take care....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Thanks Ms female anonymous, I agree with you totall, you have given this lady some very good advice. I kept thinking about this lady stopping work, and I wondered what would happen if he wouldn't let her go back to work again. It's just that everything seemed to be on top of her and I thought she could do with a break.
Hi Dear Caller, this lady is right. Whether he's in India, Japan, or on the moon. Your husband is abusive. Please listen to this ladies advice and read the stuff she's given you. She has been more honest and wiser about this than me. I'm still worried no matter what you say about communication and women-to-man problems. Your husband is an abuser, and the abuse needs to stop. I'm very worried about your situation and the safety of you and your child.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): I think it's a very unwise idea to take time off work in response to your husband's angry outbursts. This is the way abusers work... they isolate their spouses away from every other support, then when their spouses are completely in their power they become even more violent and demanding (though so sweet, sweet as honey in order to make up.)
If you stop bringing in money, it's likely that your husband will give you trouble about that. You can improve your cooking but it won't ever be good enough for him. If you let him shrink you down, you'll become small and contemptible in his eyes, and who knows when the hits will start to become real blows?
Look at it from the perspective of a parent. When your child screams, do you give in and do what he wants? Or do you make him start over again and ask nicely? If your child hits somebody, do you just ignore it or do you give him a time-out so that he knows that any sort of hitting is unacceptable? Evidently your too-weak mother-in-law failed to train your husband, and so he's just an overgrown spoiled brat.
You can attempt to train your husband-- if he wants anything from you, he can ask nicely. You can let him know that you are open to friendly requests... if he'll see a counselor, for instance, you'll take cooking lessons. If he hits you or yells at you, you leave the house, letting him know that you'll come back when he's calmed down and can express his desires politely. If you put up with this hitting business, he'll know he can get away with it and it will escalate.
Check out "How to Overcome an Abusive Marriage"
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html
and also the articles on "Controlling Husband"
Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): OK, read the links I gave you on anger management and see if they help the situation. Wikipedia also provides advice on better communication. It's a great idea to give up work for a while, and try to look after the kids and your home. Once you get back on top of things you can always go back. You need to have a long talk with your husband, he can't continue hitting you and shouting at you. Wait untill your calm and ask him how you can repair your marriage before you begin to hate him. Tell him that your scared your child will see how bad your husband acts and begin to hate him too. He's not that old, he's a modern man, he has no right to hit you. Tell him to stop it, or you'll leave him. A man who hits his wife has no respect for women. Take care of you good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovanLestat, thanks for your answer, I really appreciate it. You are right, it is against the law to hit your wife it is also against the sanctity of the institution of marriage. But he is really not thinking straight when he's angry, he's just not himself and that is the point.
As far as culture goes, our culture is very mixed, we are from very different backgrounds. And we both grew up in a metropolis, so we are really not traditional at all. I think it is more of an anger management problem and a man-woman problem than a traditional viewpoint problem.
I lost my mum to cancer two years ago, I don't have any sisters. I am very close to my sister-in-law (his brother's wife) but I am not comfortable discussing this issue with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Annalisa,
I work because we need the money and I like being financially independent. He prefers a working wife too, but he also wants me to be a proper wife at home. I think it is because of how his mom was. She worked too, and still managed all the work at home without a fuss. I am considering what you suggest. I might take time off and be at home for some time and see how it goes.
Thanks a lot for all your suggestions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): You need to make close friends with his mother, your mother and your sisters. Your culture is very different from ours and it sounds like you are dealing with a very traditional man. However even if your husband is traditional, he has no cause to treat his wife like this and make her feel so bad. I'm not sure if your religious, but some passages from a holy book, about what duty a man owes to his wife, some rememberance about why he married you and how happy you were supposed to be should help. Don't get angry but stand up for your rights. I'm sure that in India, it is not right to hit your wife. Other men would be ashamed of him if they knew.
Keep close freindship with other women that you trust, ask for their advice. Your husband is a bully. He is a husband and a father, he should be the man of the house, at the moment he is acting like a spoilt lazy child thtowing a tantrum. If he keeps acting like a child, then treat him like a child. Don't shout, but tell him you won't talk to him if he puts you down. Remind him that his mother and child see all this and think he's a bad farther and husband. If he ever hits you again, go home to your mother and father, and take the kid. Your not a dog, this man has no right to treat you like this. He's hitting you now, you must do something about this or one day he will hurt you badly and you will end up sick and in hospital. This is not good for the kid.
Do you have a brother, father, is there any men who you trust to help you. Tell them he hits you, and ask them to have a word. This is not good, not good at all....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger_management
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anger_management.php
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Emily and Annalisa. His mother doesn't know what we are fighting about. She never interferes. She knows he has a bad temper as he screams at her too when he is angry with her, but she has infernal patience. I wish I could be like her, but unfortunately I am not, I just snap after 10-15 mins of "you are useless, you are crap, my mom is yada yada..." I have tried talking to him calmly, but he is not open to discussion, every discussion has ended in a fight till now. He says helping the child is my duty, not his. He doesn't do even minor tasks around the house. That is what puts me off completely, how can he talk about me not working when he doesn't do anything around the house. He says his mom will think he is henpecked by me, if he helps.
I never say I will leave him, because I don't want to. I really love him, and his mom. She has been such a good mother to me, I am lucky to have her.
He on the other hand, says that he will divorce me every other day, which makes me feel very bad. And the child complicates issues. I want him to have a normal family. If I say I'll leave him, he will readily agree, not because he doesn't love me, but because he has a big ego. I can't say such a hurtful thing to him, because I know that will break him. He is nice man and when he's not angry, he's a darling. If I could only be super energetic and work non-stop, but I can't :( I am a lousy cook to add to my woes.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (9 July 2008):
You can't change him from inside this relationship. He will never change because he knows he can win arguments with you be shouting or being violent.
You need to either leave or report him to police for assaulting you. It is only then that he might agree to counselling. What does his mother make of his behaviour. You should talk to her and tell her what he does. She might be able to talk to him, or she might be the cause, she may have brought him up this way.
Good Luck!! xx
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