A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my girlfriend and find her very attractive, but for some reason I don't really enjoy having sex with her.I can orgasm when she gives me a handjob or oral, but I never have been able to orgasm from sex with her or any girlfriend I've ever had. A lot of the times I have trouble maintaining an erection. I think it's probably a mental block. I feel a lot of pressure to please her and perform well and it makes it not really fun for me. Sometimes I can stay hard when I'm really turned on but no matter how much stimulation I get, I can never orgasm.Is there something wrong with me for not being able to have sex?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 Considering how many people in the world have problems having an orgasm (while this is normally thought of as a female problem, don’t think for a second that there aren’t thousands and thousands of men who are also struggling), how many men have some form of erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives, and how many people find themselves just not enjoying sex very much…I wouldn’t worry too much about something being “wrong” with you or whether or not you are “normal”. In fact, any time you start worrying about “normal” you’re pretty much guaranteed to make things feel worse for yourself with no real benefit.
Rather than worrying about how you stack up against the norm, the better idea is to focus on how to go about making sure you enjoy yourself as much as your partner. The first step in that direction is to talk to her. Do it outside of the bedroom and make sure you make it clear that this isn’t a failing on her part–working together to have the best possible sex life is one of the best things about being in a relationship.
Getting outside of your usual rut during sex can be done through changing up your usual routine and using a bit of role-playing and fantasies. Consider having a night where your girlfriend ties you to the bed and has her wicked way with you–taking off the pressure to perform will go a long way to helping you to just enjoy what is going on with your body. Once you can get to where you’re just lying back and enjoying, you should find that the sensations take over.
I wouldn’t worry too much about your ability to maintain an erection right now–the most important thing is to find the joy again. If it does bother you, though, a simple cock ring should help you to put your mind on other things, while still enjoying the sensations.
Best of luck,
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Has something happened in a past relationship to possibly cause this? Did a girlfriend ever comment on the sex or say something that might have hurt you or caused a block? I know men are very sensitive and sometimes a comment can start a chain reaction. Once I laughingly told my husband "boy that was fast.." and then he said for weeks after he had a complex about going too fast and it go to the point where he didnt want to have sex because he didn't want to be a disappointment! See what I mean?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize it's probably in my head but I don't know how I can focus on the sensations and just enjoy the moment. Has anyone else had this problem before and found a solution for it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): You need to focus a little bit on the sensations and feelings that you are having and not be totally consumed with pleasing her, let her go first and then you start concentrating on you.....it is all in your head.
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