A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I am madly in love with my girlfriend, I'll call Tracy, of nearly two years. I've been wanting to propose to her (she knows this), but lately, her actions have been giving me doubts. In a nutshell, I think she's is obsessed with the materialistic side of marriage and engagement, not its true meaning. Despite that she says she loves me madly, but mind you, I flat out refuse to marry a girl obsessed with the materialism of marriage, not about its true meaning; love. I would rather be single and alone, if that is the case. Here's my reasoning:Since week one of our relationship, she asked me what my engagement plans were. I told her I wouldn't tell her, in case she is the one. Well, she got upset and said, "I thought I was the one?" Mind you, this was a week in our relationship.Then all throughout our time together, she is constantly talking about a huge wedding, her dress, where the wedding will be located, her ring, and having babies together. She asks me nearly every week, if I will marry her, and that she wants to be my wife forever.She subscribes to and reads marriage magazines, talks about her aunt's professional photographs of married couples, and of marriages her dad has created and their weddings (her dad is a minister).To make matters worse, she is always looking at engagement rings at jewelry stores (which I don't have too much against...I know women do like jewelery)In addition, there is this girl at the college Tracy attends; and they seem to have a typical girl "cat-iness" with each other. Well, this girl's boyfriend of 8 months just proposed to her. My girlfriend called me after class crying, saying "how come she gets to be engaged, I want that!" and, "I feel like I am going to be the last one to get married!" What angers me, is that this guy is an engineer, making tonnes of money in a relatively cheap state to live in; I am just starting off, making a fraction of what he makes, in an expensive state to live in. I am just lucky my boss lets me live at his house for a tiny amount of money; just enough to build up a reserve to afford one month's rent and a security deposit. (by the way, a small studio here runs about $1000 month) Since I am practically in a sales type job, I only get paid for the time I have a client, my paychecks aren't regular. To make matters worse, we were living with each other, and I got a job several states away, a few months ago. She will be graduating in two months. This sent her off the deep end, but I took the job anyways (thanks to the advice of family, friends, and here, at dearcupid.org). This new job uses my degree that I just got from college in May, and pays triple my old cashier job at a grocery store. Which leaves me in a bind: my girlfriend wants a big, fancy engagement ring, which costs a lot, but then cries to me that I live hours away from her. I could be close to her with a minimum wage cashier job, barely making it-let alone, saving for a ring, or out here, for a few months alone until she graduates, and actively save up for a ring.What do you think?
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Holy #^$%! I'm surprised you didn't run for this hills at week 1!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): My heart really goes out to you. You sound like a great guy, who is trying to do the right thing in a situation of extremely mixed messages, and characterized by something that borders on a pathological and obsessive behaviour in your girlfriend. Buying wedding magazines, planning venues, etc. before even an engagement has been announced is definitely NOT normal.
Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with thinking about marriage. It's good to have future plans, and it's a lovely thing to do with the right person. And most people who are engaged and actively planning a wedding with a date all set are a bit fluttery and excited about it. But what you're describing sounds way beyond this - and way earlier in the whole process!
The aspects that are important about marriage are not the cake, the flowers, and the dress but more fundamental things about the lifelong commitment - like how you guys get along together, how resilient you are in the face of adversity, how you deal with stress and pressure, and how you work together as a team. I think you already know this, which is why you're disturbed that there's no attention being paid to the big stuff, and lots of attention to trivial details.
As you know, life is very, very tough. It has a way of throwing unfair, horrible situations at people - pain, illness, injustice, redundancy, poverty. A true marriage is about knowing at the most fundamental level that you have someone who can stand by your side through anything. A great wife isn't a woman in a meringue dress and perfect makeup, but a resilient and strong person who is resourceful, patient, cheerful, intelligent, a true companion who doesn't go to pieces or run for the hills at the first sign of problems but who fills you with heart and spirit - a partner in every sense of the word.
What worries me about this fixation on the details of the wedding is this: if the only thing your girl can think about right now is the big wedding, what happens AFTER she's married? If there's so much attention to the forms of ceremony and so little to the spirit, I worry that this will continue in your wedded life. You could get locked into a financial nightmare, working yourself to the bone to pay for status symbols that are ultimately meaningless. I have seen this happen before - watched the life get sucked out of people because no car was fast enough, no house big enough, and no clothes expensive enough for their partner. Ultimately, it leads to terrible unhappiness and the breakdown of relationships.
The really massive alarm bell for me is the fact that she'd rather have a big rock and you working away than a plastic ring out of a cracker and you by her side. A big ring is nothing more than a status symbol. It's not like working for a deposit on a house or a car- it contributes nothing towards your lives together other than a bit of sparkle - it won't keep you fed, warm at night, or keep the lights on in the house when the electricity company calls. What is more. there is absolutely nothing in life that is more important than time together - no amount of diamonds, pearls, or platinum comes close to being valuable enough to act as a replacement. It's good that you have a job with more prospects. But the central issue in both of your minds regarding careers should be settling on a job that makes you happy and fulfilled and allows you a reasonably comfortable standard of life for the future. Getting through the doors at Tiffany's comes way down the list.
However, I am not going to call your girlfriend materialistic or hate on her. I think she's focused on the wrong things - but that may not be due to greed. She may be desperately insecure, and she may believe that this ceremony is the only thing that can make her feel loved. If so she deserves pity as a person in need of help. It could be that she has massive fears of abandonment, or that she's been badly affected by divorces in her past. It could be that this unholy focus on marriage is because she's desperately unfulfilled by her college course, and really needs to rethink her career prospects to do something more stimulating with her day to day life. Sit her down and talk to her about why she values this ceremony so highly, and try to probe whether she's actually trying to find psychological wellbeing in materiality - because if so, she'll never be happy even if you become a millionnaire and can afford to bathe her in champagne every day for the rest of her life. If you want her to be happy long term - and I have no doubt that you do - you need to make sure that any problem in this area is sorted out sooner rather than later.
My thoughts are with you. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure. Anyone would feel overwhelmed and anxious by it. Do take care of yourself, too, and keep talking about this to people as much as you can to get different perspectives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Hey bud!
It sounds like youre in no financial position right now to even settle. It sounds like you need a stable job and a stable job means 6 months or longer at the least. You need a steady paycheck as you need establishment, not instability (one of the many reasons I left the states).
Second, I myself dont tolerate women like your GF. She'd get the back end of the dumbbell out the door in one instant. However, look, mind you I should maintain my respect. I one hundred percent agree with you that she only wants to get married just so she can say she's married. She seems horribly insecure in that way and she's dealing with it by making you feel guilty which in my book is called manipulation. In addition, my ex gf went to a "Christian" college where all the dumb c**** got married so they can have sex. It was ridiculous. She's pressuring you and the feeling isnt mutual...in fact, I think she's a bit controlling as her little crying outburst illustrates so. Pffft. I dont know how you deal with that. To me, thats not love, thats saying "I want this just to say that I have it". VERY materialistic. Next thing you know she'll want that car or that stupid camera on sale at wal mart. This girl doesnt deserve you. If I were you Id break things off so that you can focus on your career, get stable, and then settle down with a REAL woman. Red flags here big time my friend. My best of support to you.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Sorry to say but this girl doesn't love you, she loves the idea of a big wedding. When I read the line 'how come she gets to be engaged, I want that!' I knew straight away what she was after.
I'm all for marriage with my boyfriend one day but I don't need a big wedding and money spent on useless stuff. I'd rather much prefer we do it quietly and have dinner or something small like that with our families. But that's just me I guess.
Anyway, I think that you're being given big red flags here. You need to re-evaluate if you can deliver what she's demanding from you.
Have you wondered what will happen after she gets the big wedding and the ring? What will be next?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Don't be to hard on her. I would have been at your age.But, she is really insecure and needs counseling, not marriage.If you love her, go to counseling TOGETHER and really work at it. It should take months, and months, and months.She probably thinks marriage and children will make her feel more secure. It won't, it will make her less secure, much, much less secure as it will fuel her insecurities due to the stresses of marriage and family. This usually destroys the marriage.So, she may be the cats meow if she can work at understanding herself, so give her a chance. Take that job, spend money on counseling with a good marital counselor, NOT ON A RING OR WEDDING DRESS, and go every week for several months. You will find that the both of you will be much better off after doing this, may end up spending less money on rings and dresses and more on each other.By the way, I'm the voice of experience, my wife has three rings, 4 children, 1 husband, and I love her to death...and counseling was what saved us from her insecurity feelings that nearly ate her up and nearly destroyed our marriage, and after going to counseling I wished I'd gone with her from day one in the relationship because it could have saved a lot of hurt and misunderstanding.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Many if not most women are enthralled with the idea of marriage and the big wedding but reality usually kicks in afterwards. Hence the reason we have a 50% divorce rate. Ask her to sign a prenup before you get engaged. If she really loves you for you and not for materialistic reasons she will do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): If you have a firm foundation in love:1. Respect2. Trust3. Commitment4. Mental and Physical attractionand share similar goals for a future together,and can honestly say, "Yep. This is my best friend, whom I cherish", then maybe yes, go for it. But honestly, I am worried for you. What you are describing sounds like a woman who wants a wedding more than she wants to be married. She sounds quite demanding of attention and indulgence. Are you sure this trend in her personality won't overwhelm you after you tie the knot? What will be next? Keeping up with the Joneses? Crafting a fairy-tale life to mimic the fairy-tale wedding is going to be costly and taxing to your patience. Marriage is never ever a race or extravagant party; as corny as it sounds, it's more like a journey through rough country: sometimes there are outlaws chasing you, sometimes you ride into the sunset. But you do it together with your partner. You're gunna get scarred, scared, and dirty, but you pull through on real love. Bigger rings don't bind people. Love does. In short, you may love her madly, but perhaps you should reconsider.Wait another year. Then think about it again maybe. In short, if her focus is more on what YOU can buy for HER than loving you, best to saddle up and ride out of there.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 You're being given warning signs up the yazoo. Are you going to be able to give her a wedding that will meet her expectations? If her expectations for the wedding are so high maintenance, what about life afterward? Frankly I'd run the other way as fast as I could.
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A
male
reader, knaixer +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Dude, this is the time where you have to be a Man. I don't have any relationship exp (and I may have no right to say this) but... Dude! just tell her "Why rush? We gonna have our whole life together... This is not some kid games, it's a one in a life time thing... do you really want to rush and ruin it?" or something like that.
I would be a bit more harsh than that (cuz she's a brat), but this would be the soft way of putting it off and really see her true self.
Also, be a Man, do what you think is best for your future! if you think what she ask is unfair, told her off, and I will not explain it either if it was something Really Stupid like wanting an early wedding party when you barely making a living.
But that's me, you should follow your path, I'm only giving you advice ^^
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): She is using you dude. I don't know how you deal with that for two years. I dealt with that for 2 months and nearly had a mental breakdown. She has already ruined any chance of having a stress free marriage because shes forced it down your throat since week 1. You will never know if its for love or because you're the only sucker who didn't run away scared when she brings that up in the 1st week. Someone who does that doesnt care about letting the love and relationship grow and just wants the title regardless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Though she sounds a tad high matienence, I don't think she is neccasarrily obsessed with the materialistic parts of marriage. Most women who are close to being proposed to or getting married, or even the ones who aren't, naturally get excited about the dress, place, ring etc. of a wedding. It is a very natural thing for women to do. All the women I know who have gotten married are excited and think about all of these things. This just means she is excited about the wedding, but doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate the true meaning of marriage or love you any less.
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