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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, deeply, but I don't think he loves me. You see, we've been together for 3 years already, and things were going great until a few weeks ago. I don't know why. I mean we have had issues, because he's jealous and he has problems with my past (I never fell in love before and I was a virgin, but I had drunkenly made out with random guys). He says after he found out, he felt disappointed with me. But that he loved me anyway.Well, we'd been trying to make things work, and even though I feel sometimes I'm constantly walking on enggshells I love him because there are no guys as intelligent, funny and handsome like him around here. He's like the "whole package", except for his jealousy and anger issues.His jealousy triggered me to become very jealous. And my self esteem has decreased a lot, I constantly feel ugly and dumb. Even though I've always had low self esteem, and he never says i'm ugly or dumb.But that's the problem. Sometimes he'll be all lovey-dovey, like yesterday. Things seemed to finally be getting back on track, everything was great, until band rehearsal. We were rehearsing and this kid was watching. After we finished, the kid came to me to talk about his band, said he needed a girl to play guitar. He was very insistent, this highschool boy. I told him I wasn't sure I could do it (because I was definitely not interested), so he gave me his number to let him know. My byfriend watched all this and got angry. He told me that if I wasn't interested I should have told him "No, thanks" and walk away. I told him I felt bad for the kid, but that I was going to decline anyway. He said that if I didn't decline then it meant "something" and that what I did was slutty!He said I ruined it and that with things like those, how can he trust me? I told him not to be jealous of a high school kid and he said "Well, you have a tendency to hook up with anyone, so...". Then last night he didn't want to see me, so I just went over to his place. It took a while for us to settle things, and it was fine but a bit tense. He was hugging me and told me that he seriously considered asking his ex out last night, only out of spite. I was so mad, and I let go of the hug. He got mad because he said I hadn't got a right to be upset over that, that with my behavior I was looking for it! Then we settled again, although still tense. He doesn't forgive easily.Then when I left, his brother was around and I didn't say hello nor goodbye. He told me I was so rude and got upset over my not telling anything to his brother, and I said I feel uncomfortable because I don't think his brother likes me, and he said something like "right, but if another kid goes up to you and gives you his number you have NO problem in talking to him!". Then I was waiting for a taxi and wasn't sure I had enough money and he got all upset over my not checking if I had money beforehand. He called me dumb and stupid over forgetting to check the money, and I was in tears and he didn't care and just told me that he's sick of me, that he can't stand me and that we'd talk today and he just left me there at 3 am. Still no word from him.I feel so bad, because I know probably we'd have to break up but I love him so much, and also he gives me so many mixed signals. When he's mad he says many things, totally opposite to what he says when he's calm and seems happy with me! So I don't know what to believe, what to do or anything, it's just he'd be perfect if only he wasn't so jealous and all. Also because when we break up, despite him telling me that he can't stand me he always comes back.help please, I'm at a loss here!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): No offense but your boyfriend is such an ass. I know you love him so I think you should confront him, ask him why he's like this, tell him how you feel and etc. if he doesnt understand, then just break it off with him, you deserve better :T
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 Yeah, he's the whole package, except for the fact that he is an abusive, emotionally manipulative control freak.
Love should never hurt you or make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. It should never make you change your essential self or be afraid to interact with other people. It should never make you feel like you are less than you are. If those things happen, it's not love.
You are not ugly. You are not dumb. You are a lovely person with a lot of value, and if he can't trust you, that is HIS problem, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
He comes back to you because you put up with his drama and control issues. I'm telling you right now though, you deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you for you, for the awesome and amazing woman that you are.
Cut off contact with him and don't let him come crawling back, no matter what he says or does. He will try everything in the book, and I know sometimes you will get lonely and start thinking of the good times. Don't fall for it, because it's all a lie and he will never change. Let me repeat: HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Stay strong, stay true to yourself, and never let anyone treat you as anything but a lady.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): this is so wierd ive just posted a question abit like this, but i know exactly where you are coming from.Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs, like yours hes funny, handsome, clever, hes my best friend. Weve had problems, like you, and last night he was drunk and he finished with me. said he couldnt put up with my nagging.we got back together this morning, but only because i love him. but i can honestly say i think being with him has lowered my self esteem. he'd never call me fat or ugly, ever. But constant references to weight (how much hes lost, how much ive put on) and the fact hes not openly affectionate to me, has made me feel the fattest and ugliest ive ever felt in my life. strangely enough, like you, before we got together, i was a virgin, but id made out with lots of guys, a few he knows, and hes never had trust for me because of that. he can believe my claims i was a virgin when we got together.sometimes i feel like i can talk to him about anythin, other times i feel like im walkin on eggshells. Last nights break up has made me realise how many things are wrong with our relationship. but im at a loss as to what to do because i love him so much, but somethings tellin me i shouldnt be with him.its wierd reading your post. if i was to read it my first instinct would be to say hes not worth it. hes not being fair on you and you can do so much better. but being in the same position i can see you exact point f view. i hope you work out what you need to do. Im sorry i cant offer any proper advice, but maybe try and talk to him. sit him down, and tell him you love him but he needs to trust you for it to work. tell him u feel like you have to walk on eggshells, and tell him how hes ade you feel. if he really loves you he'll try and change for you.I may even take my own advice lol. Just leave updates on how it goes, its nice in a dumb way to know someone else is feeling the same thing.take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): If you reread your post or have a friend read it back to you, I think you will realize how manipulative he is being with you. This is not about you doing the right things to keep him from being angry, you can't win with a guy like this he wants to control you...and that is not love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): This sounds like an abusive relationship and your boyfriend is the abuser. See he knows you and he knows what you pride yourself in and he knows what you feel insecure about and he is constantly pushing your buttons to keep you feeling less than so he can feel in control of you.
He even makes it your fault that he might cheat on you or ask another girl out. If you re read your post here with an objective eye or have one of your friends read it back to you,
Being with someone who is so careless with your feelings is really taking a toll on your self esteem, in fact it is actually going to do damage to the neurons in your brain where you will have trouble forging new ones that help you to focus and evaluate reality and even communicate, he is literally driving you crazy and he is hurting you in more ways than you realize.
I don't care how handsome he is or how intelligent he is, he is not a healthy person, he is toxic to you and this will only get worse as time goes on and you can't fix this. He sounds like someone who would be physically abusive with you if he ever married you and thought he had total control over you.
Please get your nerve up to break up with him for good and do not let him come back, cut off all communication withhim, no contact of any kind.
I have a feeling that you aren't going to do this because you don't value yourself enough. But you will be much better off without him and when you get back to being yourself you will wonder what the heck you were ever thinking to tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone.
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