A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for just over a year with my boyfriend - I'm 25 and he is 23. He is an amazing boyfriend, he is my rock and my best friend. He got me through a tough time and is totally supportive of me, we rarely ever argue. My family and friends love him, and I love him. However, Im moving back in with my mom in a month (to save money, finish school, and take some stress out of my life so I can get back on my feet) which is about an hour away. He also lives with his parents and I know its going to be tough finding the time to see each other. If we had a solid plan to eventually move in together within the next year, I wouldnt be so worried, but its very up in the air. He wants to move in together but he has no sense of the real world. He still has no bank account, thinks its ok to not pay his phone bill, is a bus boy at a job with no room for growth, hasn't gone to college or has any plans to go back. He lacks ambition and direction. I have a hard time getting mad at him for this because I was exactly the same way. He reminds me of myself, which irritates me obviously. He can be a little clingy also (not to the point of concern - I know the signs) and sometimes doesnt understand that I need to move home for multiple reasons (its a means to an end). I also want to spend some time volunteering/working on farms and although he says its fine, I know he is upset I would be gone for a few months next year. We got in an argument today, and Im not sure if Im sabotaging my relationship out of fear of commitment, or these are valid reasons. Im concerned love is not enough. I like to travel, be outside, and I don't like living in the city. Im not sure we want the same things, or even live in the same place. Ive talked to him multiple times about this but he assures me he is open to living other places and that he likes doing things with me. But sometimes I get tired of making all the plans. I feel as though if it weren't for me, we'd be inside watching tv all day. I don't want to force him to sacrifice all this for me and then be unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): Hello everyone! OP here, thank you all for your answers - they really helped me articulate some things to him when we talked. Yesterday he finally paid his phone bill, registered to vote, picked up extra shifts this weekend and is opening a bank account tomorrow. We'll see if it lasts! I am going to give him a chance because the relationship really means the world to me, but when the time comes, I am not going to sacrifice my goals to stay with him or make excuses. Thank you all again, all of your advice helped so much :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2016):
 You can't live on love. You can't pay rent with love or feed your family on love.
There has to be more to a GROWN UP relationship than love for it to work.
I think after almost a year you have come to know him AND yourself better. While YOU you are both very similar, you seem to understand that it's time to work on being an adult, while he is totally fine still being a "child" (as in have his parents pay for him so HE doesn't have to lift a finger). You have matured over the last year, HE hasn't. And HE might not for YEARS! You have already outgrown him quite a bit and I suspect you will continue to do so. It will only make the gap bigger at time moves on.
Might be that he is so clingy because he SEES you "grow up" right in front of him.
YOU can not change him.
YOU can "make" him more ambitious, responsible, less clingy, etc. HE is who he is. And when YOU are being realistic you know there isn't MUCH of a future for you two together as things stand. Doesn't mean he is a BAD guy or BAD BF - he is just not what you WANT in a partner.
Having SOME of the same goals and dreams is nice - it means there is potential for doing these things TOGETHER, but being with someone who is just floundering gets old real fast.
Set YOURSELF some goals and go for them. Don't stop yourself from doing things because of him.
If you want to travel (I can highly recommend that by the way) then SAVE up, make plans, make a budget and GO for it.
You have to live YOUR life. Not wait for him to START living his as an adult.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 Sweetie he may tell you that he wants to do these things with you, but that is just words, he is not doing anything about it, he is not making long term plans to be with you. It sounds like he is still being mothered at home, he needs to experience the real world of paying bills and being responsible. From reading your post I think you both are wanting different futures and that will be a problem.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 Love isn't enough. Life, in reality, is composed of so many things that compatibility in those things is incredibly important.
Ultimately, life is full of core components:
- Jobs/Careers
- Locations
- Daily Commutes
- Savings
- Earnings
- Hobbies/Interests
- Children Yes/No/How Many?
- Marriage Yes/No
- etc.
If you don't match on most of those, with some being deal-breakers, the foundation of your relationship isn't likely to be strong enough.
For example, my boyfriend and I are both realistic. We've talked about all of the above components, which I think you and your boyfriend should do. We know we're not sure about where to live, but that can be easily affected by jobs/careers/families/etc., so you don't necessarily need to be sure, provided you have a rough idea.
If you'd like to try a little bit further and you think he's got no clue about the real world, *show* him. Look at house prices, to allow him to see that ambition is needed to afford things he'd want. Look into locations together. Discuss jobs and careers you both want. Ask him to make plans.
People aren't mind readers, so show him reality, ask for what you want, etc. If it's too much work and you don't think the relationship is going anywhere, then don't bother and let him go.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (29 September 2016):
 NO, sometimes love isnt enough. I feel like your frustration here is valid, please listen to your gut and feelings and your heart and your mind to make a clear decision. Go quiet and listen to your needs and who you are. I think you love him but your needs are not being met. Also the slight age gap may also explain this, even men who are just a few years younger can feel like a younger brother. Ive dated men slightly younger by just a few years and something always feels off, and I soon realize he was the perfect guy for me if I was 5 years younger but at my age, I realize I am more compatible with a older man. Age is a number but it reflects our experiences as wellWhen you stated you make all the plans, it highlights your the one making all the decisions and have to become the go-getter even if you feel conflicted about that. I dont like labels but they do hold some truths. Sounds like your boyfriend is a betta (sweet, easygoing, not a A-type, loving but may have self esteem issues) and you end up having to become a A-type to due to his energy and its becoming frustrating. My advice is listen to your heart. Ask if your needs are being met (does he understand what you want and what your asking, is he meeting his own needs as a man? have you discussed with him what you need and can he be a man that listens and understand fully what is being asked of him?) Good luck.
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