A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 years old and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is my first everything and so for a while now I've been feeling like I want to know what's out there before I commit to him entirely. I love him and he's perfect for me, but part of me still wants to know for sure he is the one and I feel the only way to know is to take a break and meet other people. My doubts are really interfering with this relationship and questions the love I have for him. I asked to take a break yesterday to think about all of this (wether I should leave him or not) and I've expressed to him the way I feel and he is really afraid to get hurt. On the other hand, I feel relieved that he gives me time to think about it, but I am very afraid to realize that I am making a mistake when I make my final decision and soon realize he is the one and he doesn't take me back. How do I do that without hurting him or entirely losing him along the way? I know he loves me very much but I don't think he's willing to get hurt for it. I know I need to take a risk to know for sure, but I have a feeling I might regret it. Please help, has anyone been in the same situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the last advice you said: "But it all depends on how brave you are, and how willing you are to take the risk of losing him" And I think this is probably my biggest fear right now, I am so afraid to regret it later and if he doesn't take me back. Also, I'm afraid to fall on a bunch of jerks and never find such a great guy like my current boyfriend and regret it for the rest of my life. I feel EXACTLY the way you described it...fear holds me back like there's no tomorrow...
So I guess it is up to me to find the courage within myself to do what feels right for me, to experience what's out there. But right now...I don't think I have the courage to do it, although I'm sure these doubts will come crawling back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): I completely agree with you. When you are young, and been in a serious relationship since you were young and not quite experienced the world on your own, you will always have doubts. believe me, I've been there. I initiated a break with my boyfriend a while back and about a month later I was so scared of losing him I convinced him we should get back together. But those doubts still came creeping back, we eventually broke up because I was so depressed and confused about what I wanted. But then, about a month later I begged him to take me back. I guess I'm a bit of a scaredy cat because I could never go through with it. And to this day, I still feel like I've been deprived of experiences I should have experienced. You want to date other people, grow sexually and intellectually. I know. But it all depends on how brave you are, and how willing you are to take the risk of losing him. You can't ask him to wait for you, but there's always a chance that later on down the road you two get back together knowing more than ever you were meant to be together. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. In the end, it's up to you. But if things don't work out like you planned, don't regret it. Learn from your experiences. And I can promise you there's more than one person out there willing to love and care for you as much as he does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): I was in a similar situation... my ex boyfriend spoiled me rotten, naturally I took him for granted, and wondered what else was out there. So we broke up, I dated a bunch of people, and never found the same chemistry.
So is there something about him that really bothers you, or are you curious because you feel there is a particular cute guy? Do you feel like you are loosing some of the initial attraction?
In any relationship there will be doubt and temptation, so yours is not the only one. Also, if the problem is in the bedroom and you want to try it with someone else then the issue is not your relationship per se, but sex itself. And in those instances there are many other solutions, like taking a kuma sutra class, books, or agree it is okay to try it with someone else (and not be jealous but realize it is only a part of you both exploring and growing as a person), and then you'd have something to share with each other. I think being a part of a couple is really communication, and realizing that both of you will change as the years go by.
Also, if he had similar feeling with you and said he wants to know what else is out there, would you be okay with him taking that break? It really goes both ways. Think about it though, think back to the time you first met, and how you felt then. It seems like you want to fall in love again. Falling in love is easy, but making it work is hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): I was in a similar situation with a girl about 5 years ago. I broke up with her for many reasons. Mainly I was bored, and we were young and attractive, so I thought I could possibly find something better. I think I loved her, and might still. We can never seem to call it quits for good. At least once a year we will text and meet up. I have dated some since, and still have not found anyone I care for as much as her. Perhaps I will someday, but I think I might have made the wrong decision. Maybe I wasn't meant to be with her forever, but I definitely do not believe that our relationship had run its course by the time we broke up, because we still want to be in each others lives every now and then. Sometimes I feel like we should have stayed together. Things such as relationships can never be planned out. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut and hope for the best. Well that's my story, hope it helps you somehow. Good luck.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 January 2010):
I'll tell you something, when you're truly in love, you just know it. If you need to compare, then it's not strong enough. And like I said, what happens if you date other guys and then find out he's not the one. He'll have waited for nothing and be even more hurt. Let him go now, be brave and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if he's the one because I have no one to compare him too, or no other kind of love. I know I love him though...and that's why I find it hard to let him go
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2010):
I'll tell you straight that you would be better letting him go. That fact that you are not sure if he's the one, proves he is not the one. If he was, there would be no way you would feel this way. You can't 'not' hurt him. He is going to be hurt. But it would be cruel of you if you dated other guys, leading him along, then decided he wasn't the one and hurt him. Rather than do that, let him go now.
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