A
female
age
30-35,
*klamer1
writes:My fiance, my daughter, and I recently moved into our own place. My fiance hasnt held a job since last spring and that was for my dad. He was never brought up with good work ethic and was abused his whole life. He is sweet and caring but him being unemployed is causing alot of fights between us and family members. He is being too picky, he doesnt want 3rd shift, doesnt want factory work, wont work with food..... he doesnt have a licence so any job at all should be good enough considering he hasnt paid child support since spring and is $2000 behind and hasnt seen his daughter in months because he doesn't pay child support. I have to pay for everything all the bills, and when he wants to go to a friends or families we fight if I say no because I get to do what I want, but I make the money! When I want to buy myself something "well I want to get a shirt then" Idk what to do. I love him with all my heart but I cant support a grown man my entire life! What do I do!! We fight whenever I leave him home! But I cant afford to bring him with me, and he doesnt want to go to my moms house or my friends house so he thinks that means I cant go if he doesnt want too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): You've picked the wrong person to have a kid with and get engaged to. he needs to get his life together, and he won't as long as you keep propping him up either getting him a job with your dad or financially supporting him while he refuses to work. I would suggest that you cut off all financial support to him. Stop paying for him. If this means that you separate from him and move out into your own place, so be it. he needs to sink before he will realize he should start swimming on his own. Maybe he has too many emotional and mental issues stemming from abuse to be functional. If so then he needs professional help and he won't have reason to seek it if he doesn't have to because you're paying his way for him.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 December 2012):
As usual, long story short.
He is a loser, straight and simple. If you want to subsidize his laziness with your work for the rest of your life, then keep him around. If not, he needs to go at once. Also, please let go of any dreams of him "turning it around" or "making a go of it." Its not going to happen. People dont change, and especially dont change as it applies to becoming a go-getter from a lazy bum.
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A
female
reader, Irish49  +, writes (7 December 2012):
 You're being extremely responsible to think through this now before you get married. Good for you!! In any relationship, both people have to give 100% to making it work. Partners have to agree on what they're working towards. Financial support and givingness is crucial on both parts, in this day and age. If only one person is working, then I'm afraid..you're not going to get very far and the financial burdens will only get heavier and heavier. Now, if he refuses to work, then he needs to find out 'why' he is doing this. He is a man, he is responsible for finding this out.
I do know, that providing and being supportive is extremely important to the majority of men. I have known many men (with families) who lost a job and immediately found other jobs, even if it was just pumping gas, stocking shelves at the local grocery store. And they did this until they found a job, that fit their credentials, related to their career goals.
So why isn't your fiancee doing this? So 'why' does he seem 'okay' with letting you pay the bills,and foot the responsibility of the household? One of 2 things are occurring here, and I will list them and you can decide which category he falls into:
1) Your man is simply just: bone lazy, self-entitled and I suspect this lack of ambition is an ongoing pattern in his life, especially if he can't support his own daughter. If this is the case, you really are setting yourself up for a life of misery, with an uncaring man. He is not sweet and caring...do not let that fool you!
2) Another problem-he could have depression. Is his self-esteem/self-respect, in the gutter? Do you think he is masking a debilitating insecurity and mental disorder with his behaviors? Has he ever addressed his abuse..with some counselling and therapy? If you think that he may be depressed, make an appointment with a doctor for him and insist he go!
One thing for sure is--something is 'wrong' with this guy. If he doesn't want psychological help, or does not do any follow-ups or active job hunting..if he continually comes up with a host of excuses to 'not' work..you cannot get caught up in enabling him anymore- by supporting him! Never, ever enable anyone's behavior..it'll only drag you down into a hellhole of misery. And by the tone of your posting, you are getting there, girl! Look out for yourself here. Get him out and accept that you probably cannot change him. He has to fix himself and if he doesn't want to do that to save this relationship--then it is what is is. Accept the reality..grieve the break up and move on, hunny.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2012):
 I'm sorry to say this but you are going to have to cut this one loose.
When my husband moved to be with me he had a job but we knew he would lose it and he did. BUT he started job hunting and he took the first thing he was offered. It's not as much as he would like but it's enough to make a difference in our budget and he gladly does it even if it's beneath his skills.
Child support needs to be paid to his child. BTW visitation is not dependent on paying child support... he could still see his child if he wanted to. The courts would force the mother do allow it whether she wanted it or not. HE does not see his child BY CHOICE.
I agree what you need to say to him is this:
"I want us to be together but I can no longer tolerate being the sole breadwinner in our home. I am willing to work with you as long as you are are ACTIVELY and IN GOOD FAITH seeking a job. I do not care if you have to dig ditches at midnight for a living but YOU MUST contribute financially to this relationship or I cannot continue with you living here. As of January 2nd I expect you to be SERIOUSLY JOB hunting. IF you are not employed by XX/XX/XX (pick a reasonable date I liked February 14th) then I will expect you to move out no later than xx/xx/xx (the weekend following the date you give him like 2/17/13)"
But then you MUST make it happen. If he does not move out when you say, (and he won't why move if you have free food, free rent, free sex, free maid etc)then you must force his hand.
IF you are the only name on the lease/deed then when he goes out HAVE THE LOCKS CHANGED.
you will not be happy
this will not be easy
he's not going to gently into that goodnight...
best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): I met him at work, and then after I witnessed his dad beat him for no reason I had him move in with me at my moms.Then he was working 6 days a week 70-80 hours a week. I was always sweet, always put me first, I never had anyone treat me the way he did. When we bought the place he was making more money so the place got put in his name but ever since we moved that seasonal job ended and I have been paying the bills. Now we fight every single day, about the littlest, dumbest things and I cant take it! He says he wants a job and hates sitting home, but doesn't do anything to change it. Wants the easy make no money sales job so he can at least get out of the house, but that would be worthless because then I'd be paying daycare and he still wouldnt be bringing money in. He was never like this before. I would walk to the store in the freezing cold winter to get me chocolate or something just to make me happy. And now it has all changed!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 December 2012):
 Hi
Give him an ultimatum, he gets work,any work, or moves out. You are only responsible for your daughter and yourself.
I would never live with a man like this, let alone have him as a fiancee. I know its hard finding work just now so nobody can afford to be fussy. The only reason he can is because your there to pay for everything and keep a roof over his head.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): By the way I wouldn't call this piece of S my fiance
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): What were you thinking when you first moved in with him? Who paid for the place? Did he help with the deposit and first month's rent?
What you did to get him the same to keep him which mean.....taking care of him. Did he have a stable job when you first met him? Some of these women start out supporting the man then after they move in and live together for a while, now the romance is gone so now they realize they're being used.
He's picky because he doesn't want to work. First of all I would have never gotten myself into that situation but second I could fix that real fast by throwing his @&& out head first because he's nothing more than a jack @&&... no man use me so my advice to you is...
Whenever a man doesn't take care of his children he is not worth the time of the day, nor worth talking to so try and pick your mate by the way he treat his children and his mother because a real mature man will do anything for his children and mom. You do not have to take care of him your entire life, if you put his @&& out he will find a job, its not your problem he wasn't brought up with good work ethics, he didn't have to be brought up with good work ethics, he knows he gotta eat and need a roof over his head.
Some things you don't have to be taught and that common sense and you can not buy common sense, I've never heard or seen anyone walk into a store and ask for a dollar worth of common sense... my point is... some thing you learn on your own, a lot of things I wasn taught but I did what I had to do.
Wish you the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): Sweetie you know what to do. That is not a man, that's a man child! A man will pick up cans and cut grass if he had to! You don't have to support him only your daughter. If you don't want to support a grown ass man guess what? You dont have to!
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