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female
,
anonymous
writes: I started dating my boss about a year and a half ago. I know that it was a bad idea even though I've known him before he became my boss. The situation gets more complicated: he left his girlfriend that he had been with for several years because he was unhappy. He said that I wasnt the reason but I'm not that naive. We have maintained a secret relationship for some time now. He loves me and I love and adore him but there are so many issues! Communication is one: he never talks about his problems and I he seems to choose misery no matter what the case! He has admitted to making out with another girl that he works with at his other job... and he was seen kissing his ex (that he sees due to a close knit friendship circle). These situations do bother me but he did cheat on her with me... karma is a bitch! Anyways, Ive been an emotional wreck for all these reasons and have tried to lie to myself about all of it. I do love him, so very much and I know that he loves me but what can/should be done to help this grow... or is it a total loss?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 June 2006):
 If you want to make it work I have a couple of suggestions:
- You need to break the relationship out into the open. A 'secret' relationship places too many pressures on you for it to be functional and normal. It's not natural for you two to be supressing your emotions around each other, and it introduces lots of additional complexities and insecurities
- You can work on the communication. This is hard but can be done as long as he wants to. Once your relationship is no longer secret, it also should be easier for you two to express yourselves openly towards each other. Probably the simplest way is for the two of you to spent lots of time together and for you to slowly ask questions about the things you want to know about. Over time, as he shares, the sharing should hopefully become easier.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 June 2006):
 Re-read your own letter. Pretend it was written by a stranger.
a. Cheated on first girlfriend with second girlfriend.
b. Cheated on second girlfriend with first girlfriend.
c. Doesn't communicate.
d. Likes to be the victim in every circumstance. (sounds fun, not!)
e. Makes girlfriend "lie" to herself to convince herself she still loves him.
And you love him... why? Because you're afraid to be alone? Because he's a sugar daddy? Because he's older and more experienced? Because you're a drama queen and you thrive on the thrills?
I'm not putting you down, dear, but these are some of the reasons that come to my mind for your "loving" him.
Sorry. Nowhere in your letter have you written things like "He cheers me up when I'm sad" or "He nurses sick puppies" or "he sends me loving poetry when I'm at work". In fact, you haven't said anything about him that's good. What that leads me to believe is that you're in the habit of saying you love him to help you ignore the fact that you're stuck in a train-wreck of a relationship.
You want to get your emotions in hand and be happy again? Ditch the drama king and find another job.
Sorry. You did ask.
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