A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 19. In love with this guy who is also 19.im a roman catholic. My parents are dead against our match. They say he is from a low cast family and the family is not suitable for me. His family has accepted me and they love me absolutely. We have had fights abt this a couple of times at home.i stay alone wit my uncle and grandmother. My dad and mom just want me 2 ignore him.but thats not possible 4 me. I have accepted him already. I can not think of anything. Yesterday my uncle saw me with him and created a big fuss. They all knew dat i broke up with him. My dad wanted 2 kick me out of the house. They think he wants their money. But i know its not so coz my boyfriend has his family business and has much more wealth dan my parents have. How do i talk 2 my dad and mom. My dad is got tempered and blows up. I don like 2 talk much coz he is not in good health. The only thing they tell me is break up. Thats it. Plz help. Im desperate.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Dear, I too m frm India n a Hindu very much in love with a roman catholic. even in my case there are caste problems bt still we are goin 2 marry each other no matter what.
U have to spend ur life with him not ur mum n dad. so plz think bout ur future 1st...n thn think bout ur parents i know u love ur parents bt dun spoil ur future...n eventually after u hv ur own kids, ur family'll happily accept u!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi. V met up jus today as it was his uncles 1st death anniversy. My uncle saw us together and created hell when i came back home. He is threating me dat he is gonna tell my dad. Since v choose 2 keep this matter quite 4 sometime n let every1 think v have broken up, i don know wt 2 tell my uncle or my dad. Plz advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): Good luck.
Things might not work out now given your living arrangements, but I hope you can stay on good terms with him as you get older and more independant. From the way he's handling the situation, he sounds mature and very empathetic.
There is a point (and that is probably a lot farther in the future) that you may be able to date him openly without your family controlling you. You might not have their blessing, but that's a small price to pay for happiness.
Study hard and find a way to live independantly, and you'll have another opportunity in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank each and everyone for every bit of advice u have given me. I will try my best put my foot forward and win all hearts. I choose my love over my family because i know they are wrong. Plz keep me in your prayers. Im studying, all this tension just takes my mindset off my daily routine. Plz keep giving me advicies. I will update on all da latest happenings. Once again THANK YOU!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i am a goan. Its sad dat people here are known for their open minds. Because i know its not true. V r in a long distance relationship. He comes to be with me after 3 months or sometimes 5 months. But v don really get 2 b together. He doesnt show it. But i feel pretty bad. Since we are in a long distance my parents raise questions of his trustworthiness. But being wit a person for 3 years i know wt he is n where he goes. His mom as i said loves me, she really tells me everything abt his where abouts. His friends all know abt us. So there is no reason i don trust him. Even further i he is very open 2 me regarding his passwords or cell or wt ever. There is no hesitation. Its jus dat our age intefers. My folks think i have broken up. So thats the image im forced 2 maintain in public. My dad has never been very supportive regarding matters of my friends or relationship or anything thats got 2 do wit me socially. He has never allowed a male friend 2 be my best friend. Its sad. I have studied in a gulf country previously.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): I have a close Goan friend who went through exactly the same thing with her family that you did.
I don't want to tell you it's going to get better and they are going to come around in the near future....but I cay say that what eventually happens with all parents is they lose the energy to stop fighting with you.
My parents also upset my grandparents by marrying outside their respective cultures...my grandfather was so angry he refused to attend the wedding....but even my grandparents did got over it. Time and children tend to adjust people's perspectives.
All that said, you're 19 and if you're going to university or school anytime soon, then I would look forward to that or work towards that goal if you can. Leaving your family's house seems like the only way to get out of this situation.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 So there is no "difference in the religion"
Since you are both Roman Catholic in a predominantly Hindi country.
Thus religion is not the issue.
It is blind adherence to the Caste system that is the problem?
And Cindy Cares was correct in her remarks that "Roman Catholic Church does not recognize the caste system, which is against the essence and spirit of Christianity."
So your father is ignoring the rules in your Roman Catholic Religion and ignoring the official policy in India.
It is that your father in particular is out of touch with the modern world.
I am so very very sorry that your father is so unkind and prejudiced. And I suspect that your boyfriend would like to see you support him, over your father.
At the moment your boyfriend is probably feeling hurt and rejected by your father. That would humiliate him badly.
If your father is also Catholic and you are Catholic then I think the Catholic Priest would correctly tell your father that he is well out of line being so out of date as to let the Caste issue interfere in all this.
It is too sad for words that such out of date ideas are allowed to hold sway.
Surely - Officially - the caste system is supposed to not be sanctioned any more by the government in India?
But clearly this illogical prejudice will still operate in some areas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he too is a catholic. When it comes to his parents he lost his dad recently. His mom loves me a lot. Treats me like her own daughter. I have spoken a couple of times to her regarding this matter but all along i thought my parents thought i was a kid and maybe thats why they doing all this. But realising the real reason i spoke 2 my boyfriend just today and he says if my parents are not ok with him i should go on. He loves my parents. He doesnt wan2 hurt them. I have spoken to my dad about getting 2 talk or meeting up with him. But he keeps saying no and thats final.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 If they are religious ,what about asking your priest to have a talk with them ? Roman Catholic Church does not recognize the caste system, which is against the essence and spirit of Christianity.
Then again, if they ARE religious, they would not approve of your match with someone from a different religion,- or is he a Catholic too ?
If not, I am afraid you could have to make a drastic choice, between your family and your partner. If you were a bit older,say 25, I would not hesitate telling you, ditch your family, choose love and create your own family. But since you both are only 19, think well, let your brain talk too !, not only your heart and senses. Many young loves do not stand the test of time , and, particularly for a boy, what's his ideal partner at 19 may not be the same in just a few years.
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reader, Abella +, writes (25 September 2011):
hi, you live in a culture where the caste system is still flourishing. It is clearly still very entrenched as part of your culture.
If you lived in another country you would find that no support for a caste system since it is considered irrelevant and out-moded in the rest of the world.
Sometimes people do try to bring the idea with them when they re-locate to another country. But such attitudes are unlikely to get much support (in another country) outside of the immediate family.
Of course snobbishnesss still flourishes in many countries amongst social climbing petty people.
Yet if you were able to look at people's family trees going back 800 years (if you could document back that far) you would probably be able to prove that some 'high' caste people are descended from some 'low' caste people and vice versa.
If you love him and you are completely rational about this then think about your actions very carefully. Your own family may also be old fashioned enough to also punish you over any slight to their perceived 'honor'. Another very very cruel outdated outmoded concept.
So you must not put yourself in danger.
Do you know of any powerful well connected woman in your community who has succeeded and has married outsode her caste, where she may be able to guide you, support you and give you good advice to negotiate this nightmare of ignorance?
In the west there are are people born into and part of of many different families of varying socio-economic groups.
And these people marry into families where the person they marry may be from a vastly different socio economic group.
And the attitude in the west, when a person marries a person from a vastly different socio-economic group ''So what?''
If it is good enough for royalty today, where heirs to the throne are marrying partners from a different social position, then why are your family feeling that they are on the right path
The only people who really get bothered in the west are snobby petty ignorant parents who desperately want to foist their child on to a marriage partner who is much more well-off financially and better positioned socially, than their child.
Most people see through such pathetic snobbish attitides.
In the west such social climbing parents are seen as a joke, and people just shake their heads and regard social-climbing parents as an embarassment.
If you quietly married this man, without your own family being present at the marriage, and moved in to his home, as his wife, do you fear that your own family will seek to cause you harm?
This is an intolerable position for you and your beloved to be put in.
Are you certain you are ready to settle down with your beloved? Especially if it comes at a cost? Those costs being:
1. If you leave your family and marry your loved then your family may turn their back on you.
2. If you stay with your family they could attempt to manoever you into a position where you are forced to marry a man who you do not love - could you endure that?
3. If you go to your beloved then your own blood family may attempt to hurt and humilate you. Or even worse?
4. Is your beloved and his family able to cope with the fact that you may be forced to marry him with no doury? Will they resent you, if you marry their son, if you cannot bring a doury to the marriage?
5. How committed to you is your beloved?
If you go against your own family you know you will lose their support.
Would the mother and father of your beloved welcome you and prorect you ?
Can you talk over your options with them? Especially your potential mother in law? Because you will need her support, emotionally, and in a practical sense, so that she can teach you many things.
Good luck with this. It is not an easy problem to solve, culturally, considering the circumstances.
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reader, mimisoph3 +, writes (25 September 2011):
 religion is one of the main things that seperate the ones that want to be together. I think everyone is destined to have somebody weather its same religion or not. I think your family just needs to come around,maybe meet him? ..try talking to them and say that it doesnt change a thing. if your parents loved you enough and excepted you for you,then they shouldnt have the heart to kick you out.
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female
reader, cottongin +, writes (25 September 2011):
 Well, your family sounds pretty conservative and old fashioned. You may *not* be able to influence their decision as they are the adults. You may try to prove it to them with evidence and show them that you two are destined to be together, but being as Indian as they are it may be hard. There's always the option of running away. But like in all the hindi movies they will disown you and never speak to u again...
Good luck
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