| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey GuysI have a dilemma. My bf and I have been going out for 5 years now and I've reached a point where I'm seriously starting to question where this relationship is going. Our problem is that we're not financially equipped to marry or even rent apartment for that matter. He doesn't have any qualifications and has therefore been doing low wage jobs. He has been talking about doing some course for the past three years now but so far nothing has happened. I don't know if he's even really done any research on the course he wants to study and what the job really entails. I ask him frequently about it and every time he says he's going to do something about it but never does. His excuse for not starting his studies is usually that he is too tired when he comes home from work and doesn't know how he will fit it in. However, he complains about how he's so overworked and underpaid but doesn't realize that if he doesn't buckle down and do something about getting qualified he will never get a better job and get somewhere in life. I have been soft on him because I know how difficult it is to find work in this economic climate and even I am not working at the moment because I can't find a job in my field of study. I am qualified though and have some years of experience in my field and I am constantly looking for jobs and studying further from home to try and better myself. I just don't see the same ambition and drive in him, he seems to be satisfied with any job as long as it earns him a bit of money. I, on the other hand can't settle for less. He is 28 now and still living with his parents and I with mine and I'm truly getting sick of this setup. I don't think he's really thinking much about the future and figures I will always be there. His mom still does too much for him, everything from picking out clothes for him to packing his sandwiches for work. She has even done some research on the course he wants to do just to try and get him started, it seems like she is more stressed out about his future than he is. I am afraid that I will end up filling that same role if we were to get married. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a relationship with a child rather than a man. A lot of our friends are getting married and frankly I am getting so sick of people asking us when we are going to get married because I know it would be a very long time from now, maybe even never with the way things are going. Every time someone asks he uses the 'financial problem' excuse and he tells them of this course he "going to do". I am thinking of going overseas to do a career training course and gain some international experience but this would mean leaving him behind. There is no future for my career here and I really want to continue my career and pursue my dreams but now I feel like I've come to a crossroads and have to choose between him and myself and I feel overwhelming guilt about that. I don't know what to do. I really do love him and he is my best friend, but I feel like my life is passing me by and I just don't know how much longer I can wait around hoping for things to change and ignore my own goals and dreams for the sake of not hurting his feelings by leaving him.
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ambition, best friend, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Hi Guys
I am the poster of this question and I wanna thank you for all your good advice. I have spoken to many people about my concerns and they have all told me the same things you have.
What makes it so difficult is that he is the best boyfriend I've had, apart from his lack of ambition. He is loving, caring, very loyal and supportive and has been with me through thick and thin. But I know I deserve the promise of knowing that we have a future together and that he will be able to support me financially. He always says he would like to do these things but isn't actually doing anything about it.
And like Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior", and people seldom change.
We are going to ANOTHER wedding this weekend and I think I am going to use this opportunity to confront him about my concerns for our future and my career plans.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (22 July 2011):
Tell him all of this.
I doubt that you have told him all of it, you have told him parts of it, for example that he needs to study, or that you aren't happy with the current set up, but you probably haven't said "I am worried that this relationship isn't going anywhere, that you aren't going to do anything with your life, and that I am going to end up filling the same role your mom does in your life. I feel like at some point I will have to choose between pursuing my career overseas and being held back. How do you see us moving forward? What are you doing about it? What are your thoughts on us?"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Janis Joplin, that, regardless of the bad end she did, was a very intelligent woman, said "Don't compromise yourself. Yourself it's all you got ".
It's sad ,but true. There is no guarantee that your boyfriend will still be with you in 5, 10, 20 years - while you will surely be with yourself till the day you die. And it is toward yourself that you have the main responsibility, it's to yourself that you'll have to answer one day for maybe not having used all your talents, or become all you could become, or fulfilled all your promises.
Therefore, simple, authomatic and a bit cruel rule of thumb, whenever you have to choose between a man and yourself, always choose yourself. Letting down someone you care about is sad, and awkward. Temporarily. Letting down yourself and giving up at least TRYNG to get what you want,is a grief that lasts a lifetime.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 This guy isn't going to do anything. He's said it so many times before for so long, but nothing has changed and it's going to stay that way. I think you need to move on. It would be different if he was trying but he's not and he can't even make his own food or is too lazy to do it. So if he can't even do that then for him to take a course would be too many milestones.You only get to live once and you shouldn't waste it on someone who's putting no effort into improving himself, his life, and financial situation. You know you won't be getting married anytime soon, so why not get your international experience now? You can try long distance if both of you are up for it. But if you're not, then you should still go. That may give him the push he needs to see that he's getting nowhere in life and you can't wait for him forever. So talk to him about it and if he doesn't start to change or take things seriously within a month(or however long you'll give him), then take your career course, and consider moving on because he has a very obvious lack of ambition and he doesn't seem to want to change.
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