A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Aunts!I've been involved in a relationship with a married man since the last two years which developed on the very basis of his lies towards me. In the beginning, he kept me telling that he was single until I found out a few months later (I'm not on social media...so it took me time to find out).Followed by that, he continuously feeded me with even more lies that he would divorce the wife and be with me (which he still hasn't done till now). The wife got to know about this affair a few months ago and he managed to keep her ( may be with even horrid lies). I just know that they are giving their marriage another shot (which he obviously can) but he is not clear to me regarding this.When I asked him about the reason of his choice or why he hadn't been transparent with me about it, he said that he was pretending to be clean in front of her so as to avoid family humiliation and avail for less settlement money. He wasn't clear to me as I " won't understand". I don't believe this and have realised that he is going to string me along further.I had accidentally became a mistress, which I could have avoided if I used my brain instead of feelings. I don't want to mess up the woman's life or mine as a matter of fact. I've told him that I'm moving on. He has suddenly become so overly emotional and doing all kinds of antics to keep me. I'm determined this time. I love him but I'm tired of his lies.Have I taken the right decision? Is there any way where I can legally book him if he harasses me further to be with him? Thank you so much! Sorry for a long post.
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affair, divorce, married man, mistress, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2018): This isn't a victim:
"I had accidentally became a mistress, which I could have avoided if I used my brain instead of feelings."
It was consensual.
I said a pair...could be a set of ovaries.
You did the right thing. If he keeps harassing you; you should warn him first. You'll get a restraining order. If he calls your bluff, do it.
Payback and turn-about do exist. You don't have to believe in it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I don't believe in 'karma', especially when I was being victimised by a manupulative man who was inflicting toxicity in the lives of both his wife and me. Yes, I do agree I had a choice (and I don't need a "pair" to admit it, my femininity is enough for it), but couldn't be strong on that. Only those who had been through a similar situation or are sensitive can grasp the complexities. And I don't intend to direct this to anyone in particular, most preachers of righteousness are the ones with double lives.
Humans are grey, niether black nor white.
I decided not to be his mistress anymore and have been acting firmly on it. (Decisions do take time)
Thank you, the rest of you for not judging and offering your suggestion.
PS: Not all mistresses are selfish, maniac women looking to break houses.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 May 2018):
 You've definitely made the right choice.
You should get rid of his number, block him off everything that you currently have him on and move on. Oh and; mean it this time.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (10 May 2018):
 What can you love about him?
He’s a liar and a cheat of course you’ve made the right decision. Block him and move on. If he harrssses you then you may have to get the authorities involved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2018): Leaving a man who cheats on his wife is the best thing to do for both her, and yourself.
He has been in the win-win position all this time. Having the benefit of a wife who takes care of his home, maybe birthed his children; and giving him the image of an upstanding family-man, For the benefit of his family, his job, and the community. At the same time, placing a blight on your reputation and breaking your heart.
Don't pretend you're offended by the lying. You had two years to put an end to this mess. Love is no excuse. You know right from wrong. Would you accept love as your man's excuse for being with another woman?
Sometimes finding love is hard, and once you think you've found it, maybe it's hard to give it up. Even when you discover it was all under the wrong circumstances, or completely through deception. Once deceived by lies; there is no trust. Love can't survive; and it isn't sustainable, unless you can trust the people you give it to.
There is karma that manifests once you realize the truth, and how you are contributing to committing adultery. You know you are causing another woman pain; and you also know he isn't going to leave her. Don't pretend you thought he ever would. You're not that naive. Your karma (or payback) is the hurt and disappointment you're feeling and the lies you've been told. It all stops; once you move on, as you should. Yes, my dear, we surely reap what we sow!
You accidentally became a mistress; but you remained with him once you knew the truth.
Allowing yourself to become even more attached. Now detaching is twice as hard; and your heart is surely broken. You have now learned a valuable lesson about crossing boundaries and respecting marriage. As you would hope some other woman would; if it was your husband having an affair.
He is only missing the sex and the ego-booster of "owning" the emotions and bodies of two women. It's not love. You can stop his contact with a restraining order, or an order of protection. File a harassment complaint. Block and delete his calls. He does have a wife and a job, and he cant afford a police record. He also has a wife, who owes you some big payback. Maybe she might find a way to make you figure it out how.
He harasses you, because you're purposely dancing-around and delaying for your own selfish reasons. Enjoying his antics at trying to get you back. When all you have to do is put your foot down. Stop playing dainty and helpless.
Tell you what. Grow a pair, and put an end to it. Otherwise; when you do find someone you truly love; a woman is going to come along and remind you how it feels to have your man stolen from you. It will hurt twice as bad! You know the score.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2018):
 Yes of course you have made the right choice. He is always going to choose his wife over you and fill you with excuses as to why he cannot leave. When she found out that was his perfect chance to leave if he wanted to, but he doesn't, he still wants his wife and you on the side.
What you need to do now is tell him to stop contacting you or else you are going to go to the police. Then you need to block his phone number, if you need to change your own phone number. If he lands at your house don't answer the door and if he harasses you then call the police.
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