A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help getting to the bottom of my feelings. My partner and I split up earlier this year after 4 years together. After quite a few conversations in between then and now, we decided to try and make it work again. He was the one though that texted me after the split and was desperate to try and sort things out between us. I really didn't know what to do as although we get on really well, I'd lost something from the relationship and in my feelings for him. We didn't live together but both have children from other relationships. He's also 46 and I'm 39.We've been back together now since the beginning of September and I know it seems so daft that I know we get on really well and he really does think the world of me but I really don't know if I can give him the same back. I really can't get back to the way we used to be (going out with the kids etc) and seeing each other whenever we could. I somehow find myself making excuses not to see him and I know that can't be right. I really can't get the feelings back that I need to make the relationship work - I seem to see him now as a male friend somehow when we are together but I can't feel that same physical attraction for him that I once did no matter how I try.How can I get to the bottom of my feelings - I really don't want to hurt him but I'm not sure I could spend the rest of my life with him either. Do I carry on for the time being and see if the feelings return? Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi dapone 1 - many thanks again for your good advice. I think there was some confusion in the fact that we haven't got children together as you mention that many people stay together for the sake of the children. I have a son from a previous relationship and he has two sons aswell. We have no children together and don't live together so that's not an issue to deal with. I just really can't see a longer term future with him as there is definitely something missing now.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 First of all you should deal with the problems that caused the breakup. Since you both decided to try again to make it work it seems that you both want this. Try to figure out the real reasons you decided to give it another try.
Many times when couples breakup they have undealt with issues that if left that way will still be there after the relationship has been renewed. It can often cause problems and put the relationship back to the same point of the breakup.
If something seems to be missing in the communications part that could in itself be a big problem. You need to let your man know how you feel but do be tactful about it.
Let him know you feel something isn't just right. Tell him that you want things to be better than before.
Let him know you miss the good times you have had together with the kids. Look deep inside yourself and see if you are just feeling this and it's not something that he is doing. Show him the care you once did and let him reach out to you. Take the time to listen to his needs and hopefully he will be able to reciprocate the same.
If you want this thing to work..You have to work it sister!! God bless you all and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (23 October 2007):
 Dear Anon.
thank you for your reply, it is nice to know we may have made a difference,i can now see by the reply you gave, that love is not the only problem that is affecting your relationship, i have always believed that once a relationship has ended,ten out of ten times it does not work out, you have found, all the right reasons for not continuing your relation, but i cannot tell you when you should leave, afraid that is your choice.
it is apparent that you have found by not missing your boy friend, that you have seen the failures in your relationship, and found that you are not able to continue to carry on deceiving yourself that it will work out,when in your heart and mind you now it wont. i think for your own peace of mind, your son, and your boy friends, it would be a mistake to stay in a relationship that you know is not what you really want, in the end if you continue you will have resentment and bitterness in your heart and that will not do you or any one else any good, i have seen people in the past stay in relationship were, they have stayed together for the sake of the children, but in the end they, end up hating each other so much it is worse than a battle field.
hope this may help you, please remember this is my personal opinion, and you have free will to do what ever you feel is right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi kimmi..B. Thanks for your advice - as harsh as it sounds when we were apart from February I really didn't miss him that much. That's another telling sign to me. I really just got on with my life - that didn't mean looking for anyone else, just generally getting on with things. We do get on very well but I can't ever see myself with him forever. At one time we used to spend all the time together that we could but now after being apart for this length of time, I can't do that. We do have such different outlooks on life too which when we got together didn't bother me but now it does.
Hi dapone 1 - thanks for your advice too. I have really tried to get all the feelings back that I once had but I just think that I've changed overall as a person. It's putting an enormous amount of strain on me to keep going whilst I think all this through.
Any further advice? Thanks.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (23 October 2007):
hi Anon.
Because of the break up that you have gone through, you have lost your feelings for your bf, but something must have happed with your emotions to break up in the first place.
It seem that you like him in most area of your relationship, but seem to have not fallen back in love with him, this of course is not an emotion that you can force, it seems that if you now only see him as a friend, that you will not be able to take your relationship to a higher level.
You should sit down with him and tell him how you feel, and see if you can work this problem out, if you are not then maybe you should consider leaving the relationship and staying the best of friends, there is no point staying in a loveless relationship because in time to come one of you will become bitter then things will really go wrong and your friendship will be lost.
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A
female
reader, kimmi..B  +, writes (23 October 2007):
i think.......... feelings can grow but in a friend love sort of way. you obviously care about him but if there's something lacking dont give yourself false hope that one day you'll wake up and that empty hole will be filled. give yourself breathing space, and when you apart see how much you miss him.. and think about him..dont keep him hanging around while you try grow feelings for him. you owe it to yourself to find someone who can make you happy in more ways than one. and he deserves to be with someone who is sure about him
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