A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My b/f is what I would describe as "tempermental". He can be sweet, cuddly, loving and thoughtful at times. But when he's stressed out (which is frequently) he uses a tone of voice that is unkind and demeaning, gets irritated if I have a meeting to attend, or I disrupt or normal evening to go to a baby shower or something. Yet he expects me to always 'go with the flow' and be able to handle change when something out of the ordinary comes up. He hates it when I want to spend an evening at my girlfriend's house and we don't even go out because she has 2 small kids. I realize alot of it is his personality, and you can't change someone, especially someone who is 40 yrs. old and set in their ways. I love him dearly but I frequently find myself in tears because of his moods and then I perpetuate the problem by pulling away which makes him more irritable and controlling. If I have a meltdown, he'll apologize and seems to genuinely feel bad but two days later, when he's pissed off about something at work, he takes it out on me again and we're back in the same place. Are all men kind of hot-headed like this? I don't know what's normal.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): You have to ask yourself this question: what is he going to be like in 10 years. He will be 50 , you will still in your 30's , in short the prime of your life.
You think he's bad now, wait till then.
I'm sorry, but he really has got you hook line and sinker, you are in a terrible position. You really need the courage to stop talking about his faults and start talking about how you can look forward with some hope of happiness.
Or do you not think you deserve this. He doesn't thats for sure.
All the best
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I really don't quite know what to do because most of the time he is great. I just don't know how to help him handle his stress. I've suggested anger-management classes, but that might be a bit extreme. (He's not receptive to the idea anyhow). He's not violent or physical. And perhaps I am overly sensitive. I have threatened to leave and that works for awhile, but I know he just doesn't handle pressure well and I seem to be the verbal punching bag when he's freakin'. I also suspect he's got co-dependency issues because he doesn't seem to know what to do with himself when I have to be away from home. It's not that he can't think for himself, he's lived alone for years, but it's an emotional thing. When I'm away for an evening attending class or something, he just wanders around the house, feeling lost and seems depressed when I return, almost like a little boy who's lost his Mommy for a day. He is a different beast. Your advise was appreciated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): O.K.. first let me put your mind at rest.
Not all guys are like this. Get that inside your head, you are sounding like the victim who thinks that she should stay with this man because all men are like this.
My suggestion, is he will never change, he has it sweet with you, he can bitch and whine and blame you for everything. Ummm..so what's in this relationship for you?
Arseholes don't deserve loving relationships they need to be shown that it is not o.k to control the live's of their loved ones.
If you have the guts, you will leave him, otherwise I fear you are in for a lifetime of control. Do you really want that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I feel the same way in my relationship. My fiance always seems irritated by minor things, but he says I am this way! For example, last night I asked if he could give me a back rub and then I would give him one. He got mad and said that I shouldn't ask him that because he worked all day. (I worked too). Actually, now that I think of it, he always makes excuses not to give me back rubs. Then, this morning I called in sick because I didn't feel well and he got mad at me and said I should go to work because he had to work when he was sick (he owns his own business). Sound familiar? I don't know if this is normal, but when he gets mad because you have time with your friends that is ridiculous!
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A
male
reader, Greg_Simpson +, writes (1 October 2007):
I don't know about all men but I can definately relate. I was much the same as you're boyfriend for a long time. It sounded as if you were describing me. I'm sorry to say that I have no steadfast advice. Some guys just wear they're heart on their sleeves and can't mask situations of stress. I learned to get it under control because I risked losing the mother of my child because of it. Now, we did end up splitting up but the point is it just takes work on his part and only if he feels it's needed.
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