A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We are both near 50yrs and have both had multiple relationships and want to settle down. We've been together 4yrs, lived together 3yrs. My grandchildren love him, I love him....but I can't stand to be around him for more than a couple of days at a time. We have great times when we go places and hike and do things, and the grandkids go with us often. But he doesn't have the kind of upbringing that taught him to be a nice responsible person. All his life he has been a sort of extremely handsome guy who works out constantly and is a little full of himself. He has some strange versions of anxiety issues and is very needy and high maintenance. I have dumped him over and over, but he calls me constantly and comes to see me until he talks me into doing something with him and eventually getting back together. We saw a counselor together for over a year, and he has worked hard on changing but refuses to take medication that the counselor says he needs...and he does. I feel like he is half someone I love and admire and respect, and half someone I can barely tolerate. But getting rid of him, setting boundaries with him, is extremely difficult and leads to me getting pushed beyond my limits of frustration and I yell at him...he calls me hurtful names and says I'm mean.....I've gained 40lbs in this relationship and no longer keep myself looking nice, but I can't seem to consistently enforce keeping him away....what can I do...me and the kids love him but he has way more problems than I can cope with. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I learned through bitter experience that we cannot build relationships around the hope that we can fix someone. This hope creates an unhealthy dynamic of co-dependence. Ironically, it's eroding your self-esteem.
You strike me as someone who takes responsibility not only for your actions but also for the actions of others. Sometimes the latter group includes people like your man who can't seem to take responsibility for his own actions.
Your man is not yours to fix - only he can do that. More importantly, you need time to be able to heal from the damage caused by this relationship. As Irish49's insightful post suggests, it's time for a permanent break.
I wish you well - I have a feeling that you will follow through on your inner voice. Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I'm speaking from my heart here, hun. I don't usually talk about my own life but boy, did I relate to your problem! Prior to my relationship with my current bf, I dated a man who had these same similar problems. He was insecure, needy, critical, he had a huge ego. He was rude to me, to my family and a very negative force in my life. He was draining me. I could not breathe, I felt suffocated. It was like I was raising another child and I was constantly setting boundaries which in turn made him angry and verbally abusive towards me. I had always thought, 'I was better off being alone'. In fact, I prayed for solace, for the strength to do the right thing. I finally dumped him, did feel sad for awhile that it came to this, but life calmed down, the stress was gone and life did get better. You need to take care of yourself. Because it appears this man is draining you, as well. The only way..get him out of your life. Make it final. No contact after that
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Are there side effects that he doesn't like with the medication? If so the doctor may be able to prescribe something else that will help. But if he is just refusing to take it because he doesn't want to, then I guess you should move on. It truly sounds like the downside of this relationship out-weighs the upside. It is actually taking a toll on you physically. Some relationships were just not meant to be.
...............................
A
male
reader, blaz£  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 You need to tell him it's either the medication or thats it.If he needs help, he might be a little scared and you need to help him,in time he will realize it's for the better but if he loves you he should take the medication whether he likes it or not.Tell him that if he loves you, he should take the medication.If he takes it, he loves you.But if he dosent, its like all those other times were youve dumped him..good luck xx(amd tell him that!) xx
...............................
|
