A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:im deaply in love with my fiance. we have been together for over 5years. our plans to get married are underway but i am started to get cold feet and have my doubts about becoming his wife. we have our problems like other relationships, but we always get through them one way or another. our relationship is strong and i just dont understand why i am having thoughts about not going through with it. i dont know if its something i want anymore, i dont know if hes the one. and the real big problem is it feels like its almost to late to go back in time and change things. please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): It is never too late. It always feels that way, but it never really is. So consider carefully.
Loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them are not the same thing. All relationships have problems, and all people are flawed. You will never find the 'perfect' man, and if you think you've found him, you don't know him well enough, or he's hiding something. But you can believe you've found the guy (A guy- i don't believe there's only one) who's perfect for you.
What does that mean?
It means you can't imagine a hypothetical guy that might exist in the real world who you'd rather do this with. Think about that carefully. We can always imagine someone who'd hypothetically be better - more roses, great cook - whatever. The key is that it's realistic. That you're not imagining someone who's more ambitious about his career, but will continue to shower you with attention constantly, being home for dinner every night. It's realistic to want a man who's hard-working and won't get fired right and left and who will be a good father and do his share with the kids, etc. And it's realistic to want a man who's highly ambitious but loves his wife and kids and prioritizes time spent with them, b/c he knows it's important. But it's not realistic to imagine that the second guy is going to coach as many little league teams as the first guy. There are aspects of people's personalities that are double-edged, and you won't find a replacement anywhere who doesn't have both sides.
So think about why it is that you're feeling this way. A certain amount of anxiety leading up to such a big event is normal ... for better or worse is a big promise to make. Spend some time thinking about whether your concerns have to do with things he fundamentally IS, or whether they're about the way you communicate/compromise/etc. Change is always difficult, but in the first case, it's impossible, no matter how much you try, and it's unfair to boot.
And then remember. As much as you love him ... he deserves someone who will be crazy about him. Who will really be able to love him for HIM, even when the things he does make her want to shoot him. B/c that's what marriage is, and you both deserve it. And if you can't be that for each other, you'll be doing him the greatest favor you can imagine to be honest about that now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): Maybe he has doubts too, or can feel something isn't 100% right? You could assure him you still love him but that you think you need some more time, maybe a year? to sort out things that you are unsure of. If there are particular things that you are worried about you could talk about them with him, or you could note them down for yourself and see how things progress over the year.
I've known a few people I've worked with who got married when they had doubts... they seemed to tell themselves that it would work itself out but they all got quite messy and as far as I know they didn't work out.
In the UK we have a charity called Relate, it gives free councelling to couples. I know you live in Canada however they sell a brilliant range of books that prepares couples for a life of marriage. I have a married friend and she and her husband read them all and worked through the exercises a year before they went through with it and it has seemed to really help them through some post-marriage problems that they are currently going through. The website is: http://www.relate.org.uk/RelateBooks.asp
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (28 January 2007):
 Maybe it would be a good idea to postpone the wedding for a while so that you have time to think.
CD
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (28 January 2007):
 The only person who knows whether you are ready to marry your fiance is you. Alot of people get cold feet with a wedding looming, this is natural. However it sounds like you are having serious doubts, so i would put it off untill you are 100% certain you want to marry this guy.
It would be awful to go ahead with the wedding, then find out a couple of months down the line it wasen't what you wanted. Take a couple of months, a year even, and ask your self if this is what you truly want. Its not to late to back out, like i say, better now than have to go through a divorce later.
good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): It is never too late. If you do not think marriage will bring you comfort and happiness and you don't think you can sacrifice, support, be open and honest, considerate, loving, faithful...this list goes on...if you feel like you may not be the one who is ready or prepared then it needs to be made known.
Doubts, we all have them but do your best to not let them rule or dominate your mindstate that you may be running away from something good. Maybe this is the case?
Maybe you don't want to succeed but fail, seems far off but there are people out there who do think this way and will begin doubting and begin self sabatoging *is this even a word?* themselves.
Define what strong means when you refer to your relationship? Is it equal in that you both are giving to it, working on building it?
What does marriage mean to you? What do you see as his role being? What do you see your role being?
You will always have the free agency to choose. If you are having doubts now and follow through and have children; then what? Unhappy and full of doubts and now have children that a decision will effect?
Have you both attended any marriage counselling courses?
Have you thought to maybe go to a counsellor and just begin to talk about what it is you want out of life and where you see yourself 10 years from now?
Have you and your Fiance sat down and made future plans? How do you plan to raise your children? Want children? What are the home rules? What are the marriage rules? How do you work on solving problems? How do you save money? How do you spend it? What are your WE goals? What goals do you plan to set for the next year? The next three? Five? 10?
Do some serious thinking and soul searching. Talk to a counsellor to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and also keep you on track. It will do you wonders and you don't have to feel alone and that no one understands you and that you have no choice in your life as you do.
Best Wishes.
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