A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I trust my husband and I don't doubt him normally, but over the past few weeks he's been making it really hard. He's a truck driver and drives a lot at night so he sees hookers and they approach him. That doesn't bother me, but when I ask him what he's doing at work he says driving what else. If I say I don't know, he says the only other thing he could do is pick up a hooker. He says he's joking, but it still bothers me. Now, tonight, I was cleaning out the computer and I found where he had been on a porn site. When I asked him about it, he got overly defensive and asked why I was checking up on him. What do I do? I love him, and I want to trust him, but he's making it extremely difficult. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): It's probably the age difference thing kicking in. You are supposed to be pure and innocent, but he's an older man, he's supposed to have sown wild oats. DOUBLE STANDARDS BIG TIME. I don't think your man is cheating, I don't think he's hiding nothing from you. He tells you about the Hookers because he thinks it's funny, stupid sense of humour from a guy. What else can he talk about, lorry driving is borring enough. If he worked in an office, he'd be telling you about the photocopier, if he was a policeman or a teacher he'd have plenty to say. I know you need reassurance, I know you want him to say he would never cheat and he loves you with all his heart. But he dosen't say these things because he's a man. Men have very stupid brains and they're words always come out wrong.
Let me help translate... "Driving what else?"... "babes my job is so boring but it brings the money in, I've got nothing to share with you about the work I do, sorry, but driving from A to B is so bloody borring and I hate it" ..... "I could pick up a hooker"... "There are always women selling themselves, they look really bad and cheap and stink of purfume and the last man they had, they make me sick to my stomach, and they make me miss you and want to get home as fast as I can... I bloody hate my job, it's so borring, but I need to bring the money home".... Notice the emphasis on "bring money home"... that's how guys think, yes they think about sex, but they think about money too. He's not doing anything except having a strange sense of humour, and being a typical man.
You need help to understand him and the way he thinks. Pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by Dr. John Grey. It the recommended text for good communication in relationships, it is available from all good bookshops. Back off on your man, stop worrying about stupid stuff, he thinks like a man, he's thinking your a typical woman who worries about nothing and gets upset for no reason.
PS: If you have no problem with porn, why are you checking up on him on the computer. You know he looks at porn, what else did you expect to see. Now he's thinking "bloody possessive crazy insecure woman"... he's frightened that your going throw out his porn and start getting crazily jealous on him. Loosen up, there is nothing wrong except the strange things that are going on in your mind. Go and read that book and calm yourself down.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Theres obviously a bit in him that likes to keep a little something back, not very open maybe? And thats the bit you dont trust about him. I could be wrong, just what i'm picking up on.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I mind him lookin' at porn, in fact, we look at it together, but it's just how defensive he got over me askin' about it. I've tried to talk to him about the hooker comments, but he just laughs at me, like I'm crazy. It wouldn't bother me so bad, but there is a big age gap between us. Where he has been with several people before we met, I have only been with a few. The fact that he brings up past experiences with his ex girlfriends, but he gets angry and won't talk to me if I even mention mine. I don't understand why, and I don't know what to do. Some help please.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2008):
 I think he may be tired of the same old question. I mean, really, as he is a truck driver, what else would he be doing except driving? Maybe he's chosen an idiotic way of dealing with it.
As for the porn, I personally wouldn't put one and one together to make three. Keep the two things separate in your mind, if you know that you can trust him. I think people are entitled to their own fantasies and if what he's looking at wasn't kiddie porn or something heinous, if it was just sexy images, then what's the harm? I hate seeing people become others' mind police, telling them what they should and should not be doing within the privacy of their own minds and on their own personal time.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, and you've both had a chance to calm down, now you can and should talk about this, being prepared to listen to each other.
He needs to understand that the comments about the hookers is making you nervous and uncomfortable, even if he is joking. He may not understand how seriously you're taking it. If he doesn't get that, then maybe you do have a problem. The porn thing, that's up to you how you feel about it, but keep in mind that it doesn't mean he loves you less. Men just like looking at naked ladies doing sexy things. I'm not sure how this could harm you unless it becomes obsessive to the point that you and your sex life suffers.
So a calm, loving, empathetic discussion is in order. Try not to fight about it and if he gets defensive, stay calm and don't escalate it. You're not trying to be right or wrong here, you just want to get your point across, so that he understands your feelings, without being beaten over the head by them. Tricky balance, but it can be done.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (14 August 2008):
Sounds like he's a bit of a wind up merchant! Apart from that it doesn't seem like you have any reason to worry that he's up to anything, apart from the fact that in his job, if he wants to be, he can be!
Must be tough having a hubby that drives long distance, and the stigma attached to it. But the porn site thing doesn't sound like anything different to most the population of men do when they get access to a pc?
You need to stop being so insecure and to stop him winding you up. To him its funny, and i'm sure he enjoys the attention too! But if it isn't funny to you, then he needs to wind his neck in ey.
C xxxxx
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