A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This will take a little while to read.Alright where do I start...I was in a strong relationship for about 6 years, strong and secure.Two days before she decided to break up with me and said to respect her decision. We where planning our wedding and speaking about how to find a ring and all that. Via skype she grabbed and hugged a pillow which represented me and was telling me never go away. I did the same. We cried and she also sent me the video "Foo Fighters THE BEST OF YOU" and I noticed her crying a lot while watching it but in a good way as in never get appart from each other, we don't want others to get the best of us.Then it happened (not the first time) but not because lack of love, that was not the problem with us, our love was and is still stronger than ever. From her perspective she wanted to see action of my part not words taken by the wind.There were a few factors which lead this to happen:1- her parents (where also very needy and she had to do all their demanding)2- her friends3- her sisters4- their believes (and many feminist point of view)5- sometimes I was to needy and it was very hard for me to find a job6- it was a long distance relationship (about 1 1/2 hour per trip).7- she had a lot of pressure going on and was also trying to find a job8- we only wanted to be closer but circumstances didn't helped9- misunderstandings which lead to arguments10- for some reason her family didn't liked me... but she didn't care she knew me better than anyone still... lot of pressure.So basically she was afraid that it was going to keep happening. A few times we got into the breaking up argument but we fixed it on time and keep it strong. But it kept happening for the same reasons.From her perspective view she was getting hurt or we where getting hurt because it was a long distance relationship and all we wanted was to find a way to be together independently. She constantly kept telling me to give more than I could do at the moment and she got tired of no progress on my part, yet I was starting to make progress (but it wasn't good enough by her only the beginning).She was the one who always visited me but that was because when she comes to my house, it was like a vacation for her to enjoy with my family and I and we can see each other more time, sleep together, go out and have a lot of fun, she could stay for a few days. My family always welcomed her she can't say anything negative. I even paid her gas for the trip.Now when I went to her house I couldn't stay and it was only a 1 day to spend most of the time hanging around. It was fun but the problem was that every trip took me a lot of money. One night I as completely convinced I was staying at her house but... her mother have strong fanatic believes and she is very old fashion, during the middle of the night my girl woke me up crying saying I had to leave, I had to go all the way during the night hitting my face not to get asleep while driving back.For those reasons I stopped visiting her house.We kept seeing each other via Skype all days and we talked on the phone every day we even planned our wedding and she started seeing a little progress on my part I had a temporary job and did more than the best in it and I even designed a little chair to improve the work I was doing and that was very admirable to all. They even left me a door open so I can return whenever they have a space. My girl was starting to see progress and was very happy and proud of me.Days after there was a big familiar reunion and she begged me to go with her, and I did... but that day her father got drunk and he literally spoke honestly with me. It wasn't good what he told me and he even told me that he respects our decision but who is not liking it is the mother. I wanted to show him the chair I designed so he could try it out...Then he kicked me out of the house out of his impulsive drunk behavior. Had a strong argument with my girl but she didn't wanted me to leave her and we talked it out and where good.I continued during the trips and even now more because she felt bad going to my house after all that happened. So I had no choice but to visit her and spend time together in malls and places.She was also giving me many excuses lately about her car not being completely fixed and her parents didn't let her do long trips, this excuses lasted a lot and the car always had a problem.Few days passed and we where getting better and better to the point she promised me she will return to my house and break the ice and also as birthday present. We had a beautiful night and we where watching houses and imagining us living in them and such. We where completely convinced it was gonna last forever our relationship and no one could break it!One day before the day she promised to come my mom asked if she could join a small familiar reunion, so I tried to convince her and she basically said ok. The day came and... she gave me another excuse she had to accompany her married sister to a wedding, so I asked what about her husband, he was sad of the loss of his two brothers then the children? the wedding is not accepting children.That's when I burst out and got angry and started arguing with her, I told her that she was giving me to many excuses and such...She told me we have to stop hurting each other like this, she also told me not to give up that maybe now is the hardest part to fight together because it means something wonderful will come, but my anger turned up and I told her... it shouldn't be this hard, we are going against nature forces, "this isn't working out".That triggered it, so she dumped me telling me to respect her decision.Two days after that, I bought the ring and tried traveling a few hours to her house. She wasn't there so I had no other choice but to talk to her mother and showed her the ring and everything (she didn't wanted us to stay together) and she even told me "what starts bad ends bad" I hated to hear that who she think she is or knows better? our relationship started amazing and we lasted 6 years for a reason... So it was a huge mistake talking to her. I told her I won't give up I ove her daughter and won't return home without even trying. In the end she told me, If I knew where she is I would tell you but she didn't tell me so, god speed.Anyways, after I left I tried texting her and calling her so we could meet. After begging so much she finally answered and called. She was in total denial and even said no to the ring proposal she didn't let me see her one last time (because it happened before and we got back together) we loved each other that much. So she didn't wanted to see me because she probably couldn't hold it and return to me...She was crying and hurt but was in denial. She also told me that what I said only helped her place things in perspective hence her last decision. I told her you must be struggling so hard I know you still love me do you?! and she said, of course I do. She even mentioned to hug for a last time but then she changed her mind and while I kept begging the denial got stronger. I asked her how can this happen so quickly after a few days back we where talking about the ring and wedding and living together spending time watching houses. She then told me this isn't new, she have been making up her mind a long time ago... (contradictory?) If she was making her mind up before, then why she was so eager to get married~?!!She was tired of this situation of near breaking up and no progress on my part, only small amount of it. She said how can a ring fix everything? I told her it might not fix everything but at least Im trying to start a new beginning what we always wanted. I told her I was finishing a project and might get a job interview soon but she said "that's great for you but this won't fix anything it's been six years! and always the same... I'm afraid of myself I feel sick and I don't know what could happen if we see each other today, Im afraid I might get seriously sick". I kept trying... but always a No.She told me to promise her I will return to my house.She even texted my brother and friends so nothing happens to me while driving back.I understand she was in denial but her emotions and logic blocked out every possibility to return together, along with my desperate actions.I only wish and would do anything so we can get back together, I don't know how to hold on any longer. I'm currently depressed and everyday I wake up everything returns like an old nightmare and I become bitter and sad.I only wish and hope she will return after some time... I'm sure we can make this work out.So... she felt overwhelmed. We where that close to start a life and I was starting to have progress the one we wanted for so long.It's been almost a week since my last message, I'm trying really hard to NOT CONTACT her and just hope she wil return. Why wouldn't she...? I mean... I even respected her believes and waited so we could get married. It was also our first relationship ever, none of us had a bf/gf before and we are both in a stage where we don't want to keep messing around knowing new people, we wanted to settle it and jump to the next level.I'm sure every time she passes around the AMORC temple where they greeted us with a... "oh that's his wife! you two are in good hands" we saw each other laughing then she asked me, hmmm did they saw something in the future? hmmm... I know most of you might say to move on but I know her and the only problem where the circumstances and lot of pressure. Im sure their family, sisters and friends were asking... "where was your bf during that time your dad almost died" (we had an argument and I was waiting for her to be the one looking for me it was a terrible bad timing), they might also brain washed her saying that I'm not showing love by not fighting hard enough for the relationship that she deserves better and ****... and those where our argument that I wasn't fighting hard enough.Their sisters and friend where like, why can't he drive to see you instead? isn't the man the one who should come to get you and not risk your life to get him every time you do the trip?She did blocked us all from Facebook and Skype.-Recently,My sister sent her a txt saying thank you for something she helped and she responded nicely to her.I'm sure she is missing me as much as I miss her, I believe she is like a time bomb, when you love something and still go holding it, eventually it will explode.Meanwhile I'm working on my stuff and trying to move on.I might try contact her in a few more weeks but will see.I still can't believe how this went out of control so quick, a day before the breakup she was even a little angry because she was waiting for the ring and we where planning things out with hope and faith and we where happy and we wanted it so bad. I let her know I was willing to give her the ring but I needed a better stability. I thought she loved me more than I did until this happened...Arguments started and BOOM! she quits! right before the breakthrough moment.One week later I tried to call her but she didn't answered and I hung up.Since that call it's been 2 weeks now and nothing...I'm thinking wether I do the bait or just wait some more... NC.I strongly feel and believe this is only temporary, I believe both of us had to go through this hard stage to get ready to get married when we get back together, and we will be able to fulfill our desires after we both get healed.Sometimes couples goes through really hard stages right before getting married.Last positive update was:A friend of mine gave me one of the best news ever. Where a friend wrote in my girl/ex facebook wall this quote:"Life is short.Break the rules.Forgive quickly.Kiss slowly.Love for real.Laugh non stop.And never regret of what once made you happy". She then liked it and told her, "Thank you, I needed this "So I guess it's pretty obvious?But I'm still a little skeptical about this... hmmI sent her a letter, a day ago, expressing my feelings and the best memories together and even my latest dreams and some drawings.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): Different people have different thresholds of how much they can tolerate hardships and uncertainty and stress. some people can suffer a lot for a long time and still keep going. Others have to give up and move on long ago. It happens in all walks of life - in careers, in sports, in artistic endeavors, and in relationships too.She has reached her limit of how much she can tolerate. Every thing that is not "enough" for her has been frustrating her, angering her, and building up over the years and now she has finally reached her limit where she cannot tolerate one more "not enough" thing.You seem to have a higher tolerance for pain than she does, so you're still wanting to keep going and trying. some times the optimism or pressure from one partner can temporarily motivate the other one too. maybe this is why she seemed at times to be coming back to you. But that can't erase her underlying ability to endure more pain and uncertainty and frustration. in the end, she still had enough and couldn't tolerate anymore.if circumstances had been different this relationship might have worked out beautifully. But, things didn't happen that way, so this is what it is. Maybe in the future when you both have gone your separate ways for awhile and established a NEW reality, then you can come back together and try again.
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