A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a girl for about 10 months now. She is possibly the most lovely girl I have ever met and I love her a lot. However I am becoming less attracted to her physically. She has quite a lot of issues - she is mostly recovered from a long, debilitating illness and amongst other things lost the use of her legs a few years ago which she has now, thankfully recovered from. But you can imagine that leaves someone with a host of issues - the vast majority of which she just deals with but I feel the pressure of it too at times. One of these problems is that she is also recovering from an eating disorder - this she didn't reveal to me until a few weeks ago after we had a huge falling out. When we first started dating, she was very slim and athletic (she wasn't thin at this point as she had already started eating healthily again). Since then however she has continued to gain weight and I am becoming less attracted to her physically. I admit she is not fat, but she is not the slim, athletic girl I started dating just 10 months ago.I want to just put it to the back of my mind and help support her through getting fully healthy, however I am feeling quite frustrated and angry - and when I look at her I just see how she used to look and feel disappointed that she doesn't look like that anymore after such a short space of time together. I hate myself for feeling this way and it is eating me up as she is such a beautiful person and I feel I should just love her for who she is - but I can't force myself to be attracted to someone. I only came out of a 10 year relationship myself about 14 months ago which had been foundering for a long time and I don't want to end up in another long relationship where I am just there so as not to hurt the other person.If I leave her, I think it will destroy her, and I don't want to do this anyway as I would never find anyone as lovely as her again.....I just don't know how to deal with the situation as it is....I can't talk to her about it as she can't deal with talking about her appearance or her weight and its unfair of me to put pressure on her anyway.....Where should I go from here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): You really have no respect for your poor girlfriend at all, if you really loved her as you say then her weight wouldnt be an issue and im sure you know that. Being as she has just recovered from an eating disorder u r being extremely negative and stubborn which will have a massive effect on this girls health. You dont deserve this lovely girl and i feel that you should sort yourself out because it seems you have some personal issues of your own and you really need to sort out your morals.
This is my veiw and im sorry if you take affense on this.
All the best for the future x
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 May 2008):
 This is a tricky one. Is she still athletic? If she's eating well, and maintaining a healthy body weight, she may be stabilizing after the eating disorder. She may be reaching her 'normal' body.
I don't want to bash you for not being sexually attracted to her, because it's just something that you can't really control, but I guess I have to ask you if she stays exactly as she is at this moment, will you find her appealing? Or are you worried that she's going to balloon up to an unhealthy weight?
If she is healthy, athletic and lovely, but you're not attracted to her, then maybe she isn't the girl for you, but you might regret losing her too. I don't really know how to advice you on this, but look deep into your heart and make the best decision you can.
I agree with you that you can't pressure her to lose weight for you, as this may trigger the eating disorder again. I guess you need to decide if you can be with her as she is. And, yes, it may indeed be hurtful to her if you split, but in the long run for her, it would free her up to find a man who appreciates her just as she is...
Sorry not to have been of more help. Good luck, and treat her as gently and kindly as you possibly can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Any eating disorder requires professional help I think. It's good that she has admitted to it, try to gently let her know that you'd like her to do it too. Definitely say something along the lines of wanting her to be healthy again rather than focusing it on *your* desire for her to be physically more attractive. You're not a doctor and neither is she (I assume) so make sure she gets the help she needs rather than trying to deal with it yourself
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