A
female
age
30-35,
*nknown x
writes:This is a long story, but here goes. I'm a girl, and I've been with my partner, also a girl, for a year and a half. After about 3 months of bliss I found out she'd been messaging another girl behind my back, telling her she loved her and that she'd end it with me etc. I only found out because the girl sent me the evidence in a message. My girlfriend denied it up until that point, but when she realized i knew, she begged for forgiveness and promised never to do it again, and wrote a letter detailing how she would never break my trust again. I forgave her. About 6 months later, after becoming very secretive again she informed she'd be going to meet a girl in a nearby town. She'd met her online through a friend, and claimed they were only friends. I didn't want to be controlling so I allowed it to happen - even dropped her off and picked her up from the bus stop before and after. A week or so later things became strange and she said she'd fallen out with the girl but gave me no details, and told me she'd been to meet her ex who knew the girl, simply to talk about the girl in question. I felt it strange and didn't believe the story, but when I showed my worry and cried she got angry and said she would break up with me if I wanted to see the messages and kept going on about it. I left it. During this whole time, since about the three month mark, things had not been very good. She spoke to me horribly, used me, I felt, as a meal ticket, laughed at me and made me feel small and insignificant. But I loved her and do love her. So i put up with it. Things carried on this way until June of this year. By this point I had booked a holiday for us, for which I paid completely, to Turkey. I only had a part time retail job and it took me months to save the thousand pounds that it cost. I was only 18. It was in this month that I secretly managed to work out her Facebook and Hotmail passwords. To my horror, there were messages to at least 5 other girls. Telling them how gorgeous they were, how much she liked them, how she would end it with me for them etc. And it was all done behind my back. However, I kept it all to myself despite the fact that it absolutely broke me. It broke my heart. Some of the messages were alongside the ones she'd messaged to me, about how much she was looking forward to the holiday and how much she loved me. Once we'd returned from the holiday in July, and were sat on her couch one night, more happened. I was reading my book while she sat on Facebook. I didn't think much of it, but when I checked her Facebook the next day at work I saw she had sent a message to a girl, while in my presence, saying 'i want to f**k you :).' That was the final straw. I shouted at her, told her I knew about everything that had gone on. I called her all the names under the sun. I couldn't believe my trust had been broken again, and with so many girls, and I didn't think I could forgive her. Anyway, after about a week I stayed with her one night and I told her everything she had ever done that made me feel like shit. Both the messages, and all the other ways in which she had been truly horrible to me, when (if you couldn't tell!) all I'd ever done was give my all to her. My heart, my trust, all my money, all my love and all of my support. I'd treated her like a princess, and lost friends on her account. It seemed a breakthrough and she seemed to finally understand what a c**t she'd been, and sobbed and sobbed when i wouldn't look at her or touch her. But as hard as it may be to believe, we sort of worked things out. Until a week later. I couldn't get it off my mind about the girl she'd been to meet in another town. I knew there was something not right. I told her I would ask her about it everyday until she told me the truth. And that's when, after months and months of lying, and of watching me sit there and sob and ask her to promise she hadn't gone behind my back, she admitted that she'd cheated on me that day. And it was a new level of heartbreak altogether. All the lies ran through my head. And they do still, every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to sleep, if I can sleep at all. I'm an insomniac these days. I told her I could no longer be with her. That I never wanted to see her again. And I cried myself to sleep for nights. I told her i hated her. That i really hated her. I don't know how... but after that we stayed together. She wrote me another letter in which she promised it wouldn't happen again. I laid down the ground rules in case we should stay together. I said if there was ever a hint of it happening again, I'd be out of the door. I said if she ever ever spoke to me how she used to again, I'd be out the door. I told her if she ever made my life a misery again, i would be out the door. She seemed to understand it. She really did. She promised she would never ever hurt me again. And was in love with me.A few months later and I've moved to another city for uni. We are still together. But as I say above, I can't sleep. I can hardly eat. I'm ill. I'm stressed. She could quite easily do it again and I would never know. If things hadn't happened the way they did, I would never have known about any of the past stuff. She would never have told me. She'd have kept looking into my eyes as I sobbed and 'swearing on my life' that she hadn't ever gone behind my back again. Tonight I looked back on Facebook to all my old messages. The times when various girls have messaged me telling me things were going on. It made me sad. I want to forgive her, I do! And I have tried my hardest and am clinging onto the relationship desperately. After all, she has been nice ever since then, and has gotten rid of Facebook for me. But I'm a deep person, and I'm not stupid. I think about these things constantly, and a huge part of me thinks that too much damage has been done. I love her. But it's true, part of me hates her. I've never been anything but lovely to her. I would never hurt her, lie to her or go behind her back. I put her before everyone, including myself, and always have. And yet, despite everything she's said, it still seems to me that it's me always in tears. I know that I should get out, but I don't feel like I can and I still feel like i am too in love with her to feel capable of doing it. To feel capable of making a change. Of getting my old self back. A year and a half down the line... What the hell do I do? Somebody else must have had a similar experience and understand that it isn't black and white. It isn't so simple to sort out.Thank you so much, and sorry for the length! Somebody help!x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Usagi  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 sorry for the really late response i just found this website today but i really felt like i had to give an answer to this question. i had a similar person in my life, only even more complicated... you should just forget about her because these people are just haertaches... i know how it feels like to treat a girl like a princess and she repays you by lying, and making your life misery. if you haven't left her yet, do it. dont lose more of your time with her because she is not worth it.
let us all know what happened, good luck
A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (23 November 2011):
 if the trust has gone so has the enjoyment and all this relationship can bring you is sadness, you are better to start moving on now
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): You don't love her. Love comes from positive things. Your relationship is not a positive one. Rather, you're just looking for excuses to keep on clinging to the relationship. Why, I don't know. Maybe it's cos of insecurity? Maybe you're afraid to be alone and would rather have any relationship than none? why else would someone stay in a relationship in which they are being treated like crap. If you think it's love, well what is the basis for it? there is none because of the nature of the relationship. So don't kid yourself that you love her. Probably you're just clinging to her for some other reason.but the thing is, past a certain point, you are to blame for your continued misery. it's not your fault that your partner is such a jerk, that's her fault. But it is your fault that you continue to stick around and then seem surprised when you get hurt and betrayed YET AGAIN for the umpteenth time. I mean, the first time it's a shock, but the tenth time? It's time to learn from your mistakes and not keep repeating them. The longer you stay with her, the more you are making yourself hate her by continually exposing yourself to hurt and betrayal. You think that if you continue to be good to her, even when she's treating you like crap, that somehow she will stop treating you like crap and start being good to you? if it hasn't happened by now, I don't see why it may happen in the future if you simply continue to stay with her. she clearly is not interested in being with you. She's just using you as a security blanket while she fools around with other people. If and when she finds someone else that has more serious potential, don't think she won't ditch you eventually. She won't change just from seeing how hurt you are. Don't think that if only you become more and more expressive of how hurt and upset you are, that she will be moved to stop doing those things. She knew darn well how hurtful her actions were to you otherwise she wouldn't have been so secretive and tried to hide them from you in the first place. In the end, she's only in this relationship for herself, not because she actually cares about you. And you are clinging to the relationship thereby going along with it. It's almost like a perfect 'dance' - she's just using you, and you're "happy" to keep on letting her use you no matter how awful you feel. so of course the "dance" continues, and you're still "together." Neither one of you is willing to break out of the cycle. You are responsible for yourself, your partner isn't. Instead of continuing to wish that she will change so as to not hurt you anymore, how about you take responsibility for your own emotional wellbeing (by leaving this relationship) and not wait around hoping she will change so you can feel better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): She sounds like a player and you sound like a genuine loving girl. I'm sorry you have got burnt so much by this girl.I personally think you need to break ties and leave. For some people, one act is enough to end that trust. For others, like yourself, you give the person a second chance, sometimes a third and sometimes more. It is often after this that you either get stuck in a spiral or you find the courage to leave and move on.It's not to say your partner hasn't grown up and gotten past this period. But that said, it could easily happen again.I guess this is where you need to make the decision - whether to leave it now and realise you have been burnt and will never trust your partner fully ever again, or whether you will continue this relationship with the likely chance she will hurt you again.It is extremely hard to move on when you really love someone, but for her to be talking to other girls or even seeking other girls, it just shows her heart was never really with you. You are kind of like a backup girl, she tells these others she will leave you but won't until one of these other girls give her the satisfaction she is looking for.I feel for you and personally think you should move on, but its up to you whether you want to give her one LAST chance
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